Desperately need ideas...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Desperately need ideas...
14
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 12:47pm

Hello ladies,

I am almost all set to move out of the home away from the abusive situation from the husband. Off late its getting worser and worser to the extent that he yells and tries to control the kid too all the time of not letting her even play freely around the house. Like for ex, if she is playing with a 10cent coin on the kitchen table while talking to me about her day in school, he tells her to stop that since it will stratch the table!!

I signed an apartment lease, started packing, told my boss about my situation and all that. From my view, I am happy to move on and breathe freely. BUT, I am also taking my 5yr old kid with me to the new apt. and she seems confused and not so excited about all this. Maybe since I started packing her room first....not sure. She says she does not want to leave her home, her room, her stuff and also tells me that afterall the dad is not that bad.

I have tried talking to her excitedly about our new home and how her dad can still come and visit her. But she somehow is not very excited and seeing her like this, I feel sad and depressed and go in my own loops of why this is happening to me, what wrong have I done etc etc.

Do you ladies have any ideas and suggestions on how to make this tough transistion time easier for the kid and for me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 1:42pm

Kids never like change. Just like adults, the fear of the unknown is hard to face, just kids dont understand that part yet. Maybe you can encourage her by taking her to the new place and letting her see which room will be hers and have her start planning the lay out herself of her own things, maybe take her shopping to buy something new and special just for her new room.

I was seven when my parents had to move from Colorado to Florida, and I did not like it one bit, nor when we moved from Florida to California when I was 8, nor when I moved from California to Arizona when I was 9 or from Arizona to California when I was 11 nor From California to Colorado when I was 13.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 11-01-2010 - 3:16pm

It's going to be hard at first but it will get easier.

Do you think he has said anything to her?...(Negative)...

Change is hard on ALL of us.

ALL you can do is try to remain positive...I think depending on your child's age you can share that you are nervous maybe (not scared) about these changes...but also let your child know there is nothing to be ashamed of in being scared.

It will be an adjustment but liviing without the "Abuse" is pure Bliss!

At first it's hard to because you are so used to it that it's a little scary not having to walk on those egg-shells anymore.

Involve your child in setting up the new apt.

Make your child a part of it.

Many "Abusers" say things and we take them literally while maybe they weren't meant that way it is a way they use intimidation.

Nightangel
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 8:28pm

Oh boy..I could be reading my own story here. Yes, my dd (almost 14) bucked down and JUST PLAIN refused to go. At her age, she is almost as tall as me and very stubborn and determined. According to her, "He is not bad enough", "she can handle him", "only 4 more years before college", "it will be more difficult shuttling between houses"..yada..yada..yada..It came down to when she told me I can go but she IS NOT coming with me. Once it was about the apartment being not so nice enough, but with her it is more of a teen issue and not wanting to say anything different to her friends. It is almost a shame they have to deal with.

Now with 5 year old, honestly, it should be much easier. I had actually separated when dd was 5. I did not tell her before hand, just got her with me..but he came back fighting for 50/50 custody..and she had to go back..And she would call me every time she was there crying for me to come back ...But at least, she did come with me when it was my turn. Whenever she would come, she would say she doesnt want to leave me..but court gave 50/50..after 6 months..i could not bear it and I went back.

Obviously the abuse continued..in some shape or form..and I tried leaving again 4 months back, got a place..but DD isn't budging, and I find I JUST CANNOT take off..I have even reconciled to the fact that first few weeks I will have to stay by myself but lately I just am not having any strength to do anything. I subleased my place to a friend..so I am going to wait for the next 'wave of anger' to hit me that I can take off ..So far just maintaining status quo. Things have been sort of calm last 2 weeks..I am just busy at work..I just dont have the strength to make any life changes. So here was my story.

What I would tell you is - at 5 they will adjust very quickly but if your STBX fights for a 50/50..it may get tough..honestly..at her age..it is better to have primary home with you and couple days with him. Dont give her too much pre-information. Just take her when time comes. If you can't do it at 5, it will be 1000 times harder to do it after 5 more years. Keep us updated..maybe I will get more strength back when I hear posiitive stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 7:59pm

Thanks everyone for the ideas.

Winter - I told her last weekend and that when she started all this. Then I just told her that mommy is not happy here and all the fights in the home...so if i move out atleast she can see both her mom and dad happy maybe. She agreed at that time. But you know how a 5yr old changes her mind....y'day hubby came to know about the move and he did his drama...I went out of the house for few hrs so i dont see and go thru his drama cycle.....DD stayed with him during that time...so he has cried in front of her and emotionally played with her. Now DD tells me....I want daddy to come with us...we cannot leave him and go etc etc. When I came home y'day ...he tells me ...you know how much the kid cried....why am I doing this to her? whats wrong and that he does not bother me at all...all he does is sits in the room and be by himself!!!! well, that is problem number 1 to me...

anyway...I didnt respond to him y'day and only told that its done and over and I am moving out. Nothing can stop me or make me change my mind and that I have seen enough of his drama stuff past.

Now I am wondering if i should move or no?:( why is it so hard? I know that he wont change....all those tears are false...and that he will be same or even worse. Should I ask him to move out and keep the house? is it even worth doing that? So many things going on......I donno if i am taking the right step now:(

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 1:03am

I dont know what the issues are..but I presume you have gone through all the 2nd guessing before you got the place. Does he recognize any issues? Is he willing to work on it? I think you have probably and rightly so, thought about all that before the big decision to move on.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 5:26pm

Hi newBeginning, wanted to add few more things.

I was told "why are you asking her (dd)?" The decision to move and the long term benefits are known only to you. Kids do not understand. You just have to set the schedule of time and do accordingly. Decide on a parenting schedule and stick with it, hopefully you get most of the week with alternate weekends and 1- 2 nights during week for the dad.

I am seeing cases where verbal abuse may turn physical. Your child will be more affected later. Yesterday I heard my dd crying as he had yelled at her real bad. Yes, some of those things may not stop but your child will have a safe haven in your house with appropriate behavior. Go ahead with your plan.

To others, yes, I am ready as well. i had another case where he was almost pushing me against the wall since i interjected with him and DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 6:44am

Thanks winter. I am going ahead with my plan...its too late from my side to even stop or change. He is pleading from past 3 days that he will change, making false promises, asking me to give him one LAST chance etc etc. And when he talks even now, entire time he only blames me and tries to intimidate me by saying u will get old, no one will be there for you.....and that an upper force is looking at this and will punish you etc etc. He even called me dishonest and stuff. For now I am not talking or answering or keeping it to very minimum with him as I don't want me responding and adding more bitterness or fuel to his thoughts.

Since y'day he has stopped completey bothering me, I am guessing that he is into his grudge mode that i tried and pleaded for her to talk/listen to me, she is not so let it be and i will teach a lesson maybe???? Because a normal sane human cannot change from 1 to 0 to 1 just like that according to me. Whatever it is........for good or for bad...me moving out for now will do us all good IMO. If he really means all he is saying, he will surely realise and come to me and both of us can sit and talk calmly. If not, I took the right decision and I will just move on....

Its really stressful and tiring for mw right now...but with few close friends and all you guys supporting me.....i am getting immense strength in moving fwd with my plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 9:25am

update - I moved out and its been 3 days now...he has not even called or tried to even talk to the kid. I did email him on the day I moved out that he can call her anytime to talk to her. Not sure what this means?
But I can surely see that the kid is missing him....although i told her that she can call him if she feels like talking to him. She then said no its ok....
I am not sure what I should do to make her feel better. I have tried to distract her and she seems ok...but she is going

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 10:52am

IMO, don't contact him.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 2:50pm

He has never shown interest in being a real parents till now anyway. Like he always used to be by himself and not play/go out with her even with 24x7 access when i was living with him. For which his reasoning is that he didnt want to interfere between mother and her child...what nonsense.

But what if he picks her up from school today evening without telling me? Should I let him and pick her up later from his house? Also I am the one seeing how all this is affecting her...it breaks my heart:( i did tell her to let me know if she wants to talk to him, so i can dial his number and give the phone to her so she can talk.

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