Desperately needing your help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Desperately needing your help
8
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 6:45pm

My neice, Catherine, has been married to a complete jerk for 2 years now. And I'm the idiot who introduced them in a bar. :(

Back in 2002, she stopped talking to me for 3 months, when I told her about my concerns about him being abusive, because he'd said something about him shooting her parents. Well, needless to say, she finally sent me a card, and we began to talk again. She had a little boy on June 2nd, 2004, named Jacob.
In May of 2005, Catherine decided to cheat on her husband, with my XH (who was abusive to me. I divorced him in 2000.) We stopped talking for a year because her husband was mad at me for her cheating on him with my XH.
That whole time I never heard from her, or seen my great nephew who was almost 1. :(
Just in the last 4 months we started talking and got close again. She was pregnant with her second child, and she'd come over to get away from home life, because he was so verbally and emotionally abusive to her. I bought her things for my great neice (the baby) and for my great nephew. I bought things that she was craving. I put my life on hold for her. Went to doctors appointments.

Then just two weeks ago, after my neice had been visiting us a regular basis, she stopped calling me. She called me today, to let me know that her baby daughter was born on October 9th at 9:15 via c section at 36 weeks at 3 days. She also called to tell me that her husband does NOT want the baby or Jacob around me or my kids. :( He is also trying to make her stop talking to her parents too.

This is the THIRD time that she has done this to me and my children. What do I do? Continue to let her hurt us like this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 7:57pm
These situations are sooo hard, because on the one hand you don't want the abuser to win by cutting her off from her family, but on the other hand, you have to think of the sanity of your own. I would lay it out on the line for her. Tell her, "I love you and I want the best for you, but this situation is negatively affecting me and my family. I am ready to help you whenever you decide you want help. You have my number." Then, sit back and take care of yourself. It hurts, but they have to want help before you can give it, and it doesn't sound like she is there yet. :(
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 1:31am

Thanks for the input Erin.

It is sooooo hard watching this, because she deserves so much better then what she has.
I regret every single moment that I introduced those two. :(

I do love her and her children, but this is the third time that she's hurt me and my kids. One of my 11 year old twins, said "I'm tired of Cathy doing this to us."

Oh, what I wouldn't like to do to that jerk!!!!

I'm a survivor of DV myself, but my XH never told me who I could and couldn't be friends with or talked to. His was physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse. Put up with that for 12 years, so I'm trying HARD to understand Catherine's situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:56am
There are some times I think that watching it happen is worse than going through it, because if it's happening to you personally you know you at least have SOME way of affecting the situation. :( DH and I are forced to watch SIL make poor decision after poor decision, and it's taken me in particular a very long time to come to grips with the fact that there really isn't anything substantive we can do about it. One just has to let the person know one is there, but protect one's own family accordingly.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 12:46pm

Hi :o) First things first - do not beat yourself over this for setting them up in the first place. It is not your fault.

I was reading in my fav book last night about helping friends/family in abusive situations. I will post it later tonight as I am at work right now. Of what I remember, it was just to be there for them. Let them know that you care and that you are there for him. Do not tell her what to do, just give her advice. This part stood out because it said to do the opposite of what abusers do to their victims. Abusers tell you what to do and think... so do not do that when you are trying to help her out. Just let her know that you care and are there for you

Even if she isnt the nicest, and goes in sputs of talking to you. Who knows what is going on in her life with her abuser. He might be threatening her if she talks to you...? She might not be telling you any of this becuase maybe she is very afraid of what he will do to her. Abusers are all about power and control and they do everything to get you under their power and control. It wouldn't suprise me if he had something to do with why she hasn't seen you. Just keep that in mind. I have a friend that has a boyfriend that I see a few red flags in. There has been times where I don't talk to her in a few weeks. It does really upset me.. but because I have been in an abusive relationship... I know what it is like.. and maybe he is controlling her and who she speaks to....?? I am not sure.

Hugs.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 6:31pm

It all makes sense what you posted, but at the same time. I just don't know if I can put myself through getting close to her, my great nephew and my new great neice and then have them disappear for a year again. :(

This is so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 6:38pm

Yes, it is very hard. Is there any way that you can only meet her? Even if you just went for coffee here and there. Yes, you would love to see your nephew & neice, but maybe just take some baby steps at getting back into her life. Just a thought.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 9:26pm

Hi,

I posted down in the 'News and Resources' part of this page. It is called 'how to support an abused woman'. This is what I talked about in one of my past posted to you. I think it will be helpful - it has some good points in it.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:27pm
u wonder how much is the kids suffering from not being around u and your family.i hate to tell u not to stick with her but same time u know it is not her dh that doing this not her so if she want stay in touch she will. all i can say just pray over it and hope for the best.