Devastated

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Devastated
2
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:19pm
HI

Im back. After several months of enduring verbal abuse with the fear that it might again turn physical I was caught in a bad cycle of leaving my H and coming back a few days later.

He would wake up in the morning and start raging. I would run away etc. etc. Well i finally decided to go back to work but found out my work visa had expired. I had to go to Canada and they wouldnt let me back in the country. At first my H panicked "what am i supposed to do now...my worst nightmare is coming true" A few days later he say "dont call me anymore we are through"

When i got back 2 weeks later younger woman living in the apartment and said if I cme around the apt he will kill me and my family and if i wanted my furniture i have to go to court. I had panic attacks,nightmares and felt ultimately used. How could he replace me so fast it made me feellike i was the problematic one. Has anyone ever heard of where the abuser dumps you???????? Im just having a bad day cuz it is my wedding anniversary and now my H has baby booties hanging from the rearview mirror of "our" car.

By the way i know for a fact that he just met this OW cuz he was hime 24-7 before this. you will say this is a blessing in disguise but it feels like the final deep wound through my heart. Do some abusers replace you quickly after years of trying to keep you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
In reply to: cuppyis
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:13am
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. It will eventually get better in time, so hang in there and be encouraged.

To answer your question, yes, I think in some rare cases abusers will go on to someone new, but they will hide their abusive ways just long enough for the new partner to fall for their charming ways. Then they slowly bring about the verbal and emotional abuse, and then eventually physical if their new partner sticks around long enough.

My concern though is for you. Do all you can to let go of him and move forward with your life. Whatever material possessions you left behind, forget about it. Regardless of whatever sentimental value those things might have for you, it's just *stuff*, and in time most of it can be replaced.

Try hard not to think about him or her. Just focus on you and re-building your life and self-esteem. He could eventually come looking for you again. If he does, don't think for a moment that he's changed and all will be well if you return to him.

Don't give him another opportunity to mistreat and abuse you, okay?

Move on with your life. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: cuppyis
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:07am
Hi cuppyis,

You know, you got met thinking on this one. When I met my STBX Wendell, he just left his first wife 2 months prior. The ironic thing is he sought me out. He didn't waste any time finding someone to fill in what he just lost. He had no remorse whatsoever because the situation was all her fault. She tricked him, she was too possessive, the usual list goes on and on. When it came time for our split (30 years later), the same story just different faults...I was an unfit mother, I was crazy, etc.

Him attaching himself to another woman has absolutely nothing to do with you. In his mind, had you behaved properly, you would still be there. Their thought process is about them and their needs. Always has been and always will be. They can't even conceive the true meaning of love. That is why they are always so angry all the time.

When Wendell left his first wife he also left a son. How did he justify that part? Well, any and all custody problems were handled by me. He was "too hurt" to deal with it. I bought into it completely. Somewhere deep in my attic I think there are letters she wrote. I am going to try to find them and read them now without his brainwahing cluttering my head.

Don't take the replacement so hard. Be grateful that you can still feel pain and he has not taken your lovely soul away, just cut it a little and with time the cut will heal. He one the other hand will continue on his merry way thinking of no one but himself. Of course, appearances will make it look like he is treating her better, etc.

Hang in there, trust me it will get better, better than you can imagine.

Terry