Did it really stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Did it really stop?
4
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 8:29am

I've been reading Patricia Evan's book Verbally Abusive Relationships. I recommend this to anyone involved in an abusive relationship. I'm only halfway through it, and it's already been of tremendous help to me.

One thing she states which is extremely important to remember is that physical abuse is preceeded by verbal abuse. I learned this the hard way. In the last two relationships I've been in, the men were verbally abusive, but they used to look so offended if I flinched or looked scared when they were raging at me. They'd say, "What are you so scared for? I'd never hurt you!" Sure, they'd never hurt me as long as I stood there and took their verbal abuse. But I got tired of taking it because sometimes it would last for hours or days. The second I stood up to them and said, "Stop it!" and tried to leave the room, they wouldn't let me leave. That's when it got physical. One guy would grab me or chase me into the bathroom and punch his fist through the door when I locked it to get away from his yelling. The other guy ended up holding me hostage and punching me.

I came to this board because of my boyfriend, the man I fell for when my marriage was falling apart due to my husband's abuse & alcoholism. Unfortunately, my boyfriend was the guy who punched me. My husband cleaned up his act, quit drinking, got on medication, stopped yelling at me and calling me names, and he stopped grabbing me and threatening me. It looked like he had changed. He seemed to be back to the guy I originally fell in love with. But something still didn't feel right. He wanted me to keep everything secret, not to talk to my friends or family about any of the things that had gone wrong. And he also showed absolutely no interest in me sexually. This is the main reason I became involved with the other man. When I try to talk with my husband about our intimacy problems, he gets very defensive & agitated, and then , just like the old days, starts blaming it all on me.

We seem so close to being alright, yet so far away. And I'm beginning to realize that deep down, his thinking hasn't really changed that much. On the surface it looks like he's done everything right so he won't look like a bad guy, but he still sees me as the enemy if I try to discuss our most serious problem. Otherwise, we get along very well together now. It's so frustrating and sad because I love this man so much, and I know he loves me. He's done his best to treat me better, and he actually does treat me much, much better than he used to. It's been several years since he was overtly abusive.

But here's what made me post today. I told my husband that I had bought a couple of books, and he asked what they were, and I told him that they were about verbally abusive relationships. He said something about how that was good, and he hoped they'd help me. I said that the book I was reading now was very helpful, and I asked if he'd be interested in taking a look at it. He got a stony look on his face and said that no, he didn't want to read it. He said it was of "no interest" to him.

That's when I got the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. He had no interest in it, no interest in such a serious problem that had torn us up for so long...no interest.

It looks like things are as good as they're going to get, and I can either accept it or move on.

I've posted to this board many times under a different name, but I've had to change it because I'm afraid he might be lurking here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 12:32pm

It sounds to me he is still resorting to his old ways.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 11:25pm
At the core of an abuser's thinking, I think, is that they ultimately see their partner as an enemy, as some one they have to be careful of and some one they constantly have to one up. They don't see their partner as a trusted friend and some one they could work together with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:02am

You're both right. Not only does he still see me as the enemy, though, he sees the whole world as the enemy.

He's changed most of his behavior, but not his thinking. That's the hardest thing to have discovered. And I think the only reason he changed his behavior was so that he wouldn't look bad, so that he wouldn't mess up the idea of himself that he carries around in his head. He didn't stop drinking because he was hurting people around him or because he was hurting himself. He quit drinking so he wouldn't look stupid.

Patrica Evans is right on in her book. I've been there & done that. I've tried explaining how I felt, tried telling him that I wasn't the enemy. And I was so surprised when I saw this in the book, too: I've even tried asking him to ask me what I meant before he got mad so that things wouldn't get so bad. I was really shocked to see my words & his words in that book. This is the biggest wake up call I've ever, ever had.

The other night he told me that I was thinking about this stuff too much, that I was turning normal problems into "abuse." Then he did just what you warned me about. He turned it all around on me and said I was trying to bully him into reading that book, that I was guilty of abuse, too. He told me I made him feel like an idiot. I ended the conversation right there and told him not to worry about it.

I'm fortunate to have a good frame of reference for what a healthy relationship is like. I was married before to a very rational man for several years, and we never had loud, angry arguments, and he never, ever scared me.

I've been depressed and suicidal for two years and couldn't understand why. Now I know. And you know something? Since I read Bancroft's book, and now that I've read Evan's book, I don't feel suicidal anymore. The confusion is going away, and I'm feeling stronger. But I know I've got a long road of healing ahead.

I wish I could just leave this marriage, but I can't, at least not any time soon. I've been having physical problems that have prevented me from working for several years, and I don't have it in me to go through a divorce. That might put me right in the hospital. But I have a very nice home and a great support system in my friends, and my husband isn't violent or overtly abusive. We have a calm, fairly functional relationship at this time. I think as long as I can know that his abuse and sexual problems aren't my fault, that I can draw strength from that. And I'm still going to keep my eyes open for a job. Maybe something will turn up that I can do part time that will give me a little bit of financial power, too.

Thanks for your advice & kind words! Keep them coming!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:09am

Thirtytwoflavors,

It sounds like you are a very compassionate and forgiving person. I am as well and now I have recognized that while I can understand and forgive a person that at the core of everything....if it is not benefitial to me and a person is holding me back or making me compromise myself...then forgiveness or not, things have to change.

I guess I am just asking you if YOU are ok?? Nevermind how he is and how he has treated you recently and been able to change. How do you feel?? If the relationship has gone to a point where you are not both bringing out the best and making each other feel good and supportive of each other...ask yourself some hard questions. I know it's hard but ask yourself and him some hard questions.

Just an angle that you might want to look at. I had to and I never made a better decision in my life than to decide what was best for myself and my children...and that was for me to regain myself...without him. I hope your story turns out what is best for you but only you know that...and you know deep down how you feel.

Good luck...let us know how you are doing
Katlc