Did your abuser seem to have ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Did your abuser seem to have ....
10
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 12:04pm
a sexual addiction?Like ALWAYS demanding sex no matter if I was interested or not ...If I was tired (I do have 3 small kids )and they wear me out ...he didnt understand that ..and took it as I was rejecting him ...said things like "if it was someone else you would be interested " ...sometimes I would give in just to keep the peace .I was never "physically "forced ...but felt pressured ALL the time ..and If I didnt give in he got really mad ,and would pout .Just wondering if this is a common trait among abusers...

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 1:06pm
I don't know if this is a common trait or even if I'd call it an addiction, in my case at least, but I would say it was part of his controlling behavior. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted despite how I felt. He acted the same way and I also just gave in. I was not physically force but psychologically I would say yes.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:06pm

Unfortunately yes, I can totally relate to that. I remember the first time it became apparent that if I didn't just give in, he would make me miserable. And he totally took it as rejection (or, at least acted that way - it's still a form of manipulation and control) and would say if I loved him more/cared about him more, etc. I'd do it. Sex is just completely mechanical for me now. I do it to avoid a fight and I'm so disgusted with myself for giving in and not telling him to take care of it himself. I also have two small children and it never mattered if I was exhausted or just not in the mood. He used to wake me up in the middle of the night (drunk of course) and keep at me until I finally just gave in. The last time that happened I cried through the whole thing and after that told him it was the last time I'd allow him to wake me up for sex. I told him that it showed a complete lack of respect for me. That's really the only victory I've had with him. Now I end up having to "do it" with him the mornings after he's been out drunk the night before.

I can't wait to break free so that some day I can actually have a healthy, loving, sexual relationship with someone.

I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing but it sounds so common in abusive relationships.

Hugs,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:44pm

Pinocchio presented as a sex addict too, but I don't believe it anymore.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 10:53pm
A resounding yes, it is something I dealt with as well. It is kind of sad, really, that I now see sex as a dirty and unpleasant thing. Since I have never known otherwise, I can only trust that it is not in all cases. But it is simply something you have to experience to believe. And as of yet I have not experienced otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 10:57am
He didn't really have a sexual addiction, as much as it seemed like he felt that that was what he "should" be doing and tried to act accordingly. He was abysmal at it too; couldn't perform, didn't enjoy being on the receiving end of, well, activities that he's the only man I ever met who didn't want it, etc. I think sex is, as Gonna said, part of their control thing; it just wasn't a weapon that mine used well.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 4:48pm
It's crazy because mine had the opposite problem. He RARELY wanted to have sex with me. But I did discover all the porns he was renting on the tv. At first I took that as rejection, like there was something wrong with me...but after time and now I realize he is just plain CRAZY!!! I don't even need to analyze it anymore. I wonder if anyone else had this experience?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:41am
I read this post a second time and I was wondering if this behavior would be considered Sexual abuse even though there was no "physical" force. I keep thinking about things my husband did; his favorite thing was nudging me in the middle of the night usually after he was on the computer looking at other girls. That use to really bother me and made me feel dirty yet I never saw it as abuse. I still think I'm in denial about a lot of things that happened. I was just curious what anyone else thought because it looks like this is something else I need to face and deal with.
Thanks for bring up this topic. I think it's something that needed to be addressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 5:33pm

Hey ddinkle,

I am de-lurking to tell you that I did go through something similar. I was with my df for 4 years and for the first 2 years (approximately) He NEVER wanted to have sex with me. He would only have if it was his idea to have it. If I asked for it, or touched him or talked to him in a sexual manner he would get angry at me and tell me things like "There is more to life than sex". Eventually, I got tired of it and never wanted to be with him for that reason, and that is when the whole thing turned around. He wanted to have sex with me much more often--at least five times a week. Everything seemed a lot deeper and more affectionate too. However, there were occassions when I was tired, busy or not in the mood. He never forced me. In fact df is the type of man that does not enjoy sex unless I was enjoying it and he would never dream of "finishing" before I got my enjoyment out of it. So when I did refuse he felt I was no longer physically attracted to him, having an affair, falling out of love with him, was angry about something, or trying to punish him. Then he would say "Next time that you want to I am going to reject you so that you see how it feels". I would tell him that was ridiculous not only because he rejected me all the time in the begining, but because even after our sexual relationship became healthy and fulfilling when he refused because of being tired or not feeling well I always understood, hello, it is just part of life! I always felt bad about making him feel bad, but I never understood why his self esteem was so low that he felt that way. I've only been apart from him for 3 months right now, it's talk like this that actually makes me miss him, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 1:34pm

you know this is how or actually one of the main issues is sex
he said he needs it everyday. he says,actually admitted he addicted to sex,his idol, best friend
his friends later on told me that's all he did - like womanize

at first it was ok... then came to sexual intimidation-i'm a whore, i'm having an affair, if it's my period -prove it -, if i didnt wanna have sex... then came the worse things
we lived wit his mom- just spead yourlegs and get it over with. if he calls u name just agree...it makes me sick them when he was restraining me on one fight -i spit in his face-i lost all interest in sex- i finally said no means no cuz he hates me one moment and then just wants to roll on top and it just angers me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 8:29pm

WARNING: