Difficult day

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Difficult day
3
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:11pm
My H should be on his way to court right now. My stomach has been in knots all day long. To refresh my story after a fight which exploded into screaming, pushing, restraining and name calling 2 Saturday's ago I went to the police and had him arrested and charged with assault. This was the 4th episode of physical and verbal abuse. During our two years of marriage I saw his abusiveness escalate, what was once an evil look had turned into a shove, and I felt it was time to put an end to the situation. He spent the night in jail, called me the next day in tears, sounding like a lost orphan and full of apologies. He has a restraining order against him and should not be talking to me. However we run a business together and we have to talk.

During these business talks he has stated he is so sorry and truly wants to make amends. He has enrolled in a Domestic Violence program called Amend. It is a very proactive program which makes the abuser take responsibility for his actions. It also works with the spouse and any children. He does seem truly remorseful and is working hard to figure out his problem.

I talked to the DA yesterday and they are showing no mercy towards him. Which really is fine. Although when he mentioned possible jail time I got sick to my stomach. I do like the fact that I really don't get to make any decisions about what happens to him, it is completely in the hands of the DA. At least that takes some of the burden off my shoulders.

Ladies, I'm so torn and confused. On one hand I know he needs to be punished and needs to know you can't just explode during arguments. He needs to know you can't use intimidation in an intimate relationship. My head knows all of this. But my heart knows he is my husband and my husband right now is in court. Truly it breaks my heart. My life has spun so far out of where I wanted it to be that it seems unreal. I've never dealt with police, jail, courts or any of that before. This is just such a nightmare.

One day I'm strong and resolved to end the marriage. But the next I'm thinking if he and I really worked together what would be wrong with trying to salvage a marriage. How does one get to the point of saying "enough craziness"????

Thanks ladies, any words of support or encoragement will be most appreciated!

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: msmitten
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:46pm
(((Hugs)))

Enough is enough the first time he goes nuts on you. I had a similar situation with my ex, whom I was married to for two years as well. A real eye-opener for me was the amount of jail time he was sentenced to for the Domestic Assault charge. 90 days. The second eye-opener was when he got sentenced to prison for 0-5 years for what he did to me. What did that tell me? The courts saw him as dangerous enough to me to lock him away. (He actually only served 18 months.)He is still on parole and not allowed into my county. So, the Board of Pardons also saw him as that big of a threat to me.

They ALL sound truly remorseful when they realize there could be consequences to their actions; such as jail time. That would make me feel pretty sorry for whatever I had done! My ex also enrolled in a DV program after his first arrest. That was prior to the jail sentence and the prison sentence. He learned nothing more than how to manipulate better.

No one can tell you what to do, but you can learn from others' experiences.

It's not about trying to salvage a marriage. Think about it this way, if he really does change, you can always re-marry him! Keep in mind, only 2% of abusers truly change.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: msmitten
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:52pm

Oh, hon.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: msmitten
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:53am
Blue, thank you *SO* much for telling her everything I would have said if I could have put it into words.

This guy is a jerk, Mitten. He's manipulating you *real* well right now, and only *you* can make it stop. Listen to Blue -- she's very wise in the ways of the Nerfherder! ;oD

Love & Hugs,

Emm