Divorce update ... & sad news .. (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Divorce update ... & sad news .. (m)
3
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:58am

Im sorry i havetn been around. We have 2 dogs, 5 & 7. Yellow labs, like children to me. I love them with all my heart. My 5 yr old was diagnosed w/ a canerous tumor a few days ago. I have been running ragged with sobbing tears, vet appts & 2nd opinions. I will do anything that is possible to save my boy (his photos is in my profile, on the web site). Please say some prayers for him. He goes for surgery tomorrow & we will know somewhat at that point how invasive it is. The the whole tumor is sent to be graded, which will be the real answer to what we are looking at. & today I am awaiting an important blood test that will tell if the cancer has spread to his blood -which would be an ominous sign. He looks & acts SO healthy, so i am praying its not spreading. My stomach is in my throat, w/ worry over him!


So ... I have had at least 3 NORMAL conversations w/ Mike over the Sana issue. I had to contact him - he loves them as much as I do. I also, w/ my attys persmission, met him at the park again (2nd time) Subday, with Averey so they coudl spend "supervised" time together. Do i WANT to be the supervisor? No way. But there is no one to do it - & no agencys availiable, so its either that, or she doesnt see him. I just sort of stay on the perimiter, reading a book or whatever, while they play for an hour or so. He has been nothing but appropriate with her - that i can see & hear or course - & i hope it continues. He hasnt seemed rageful or even very vindictive at all. He is distanced & polite to me. But of course, i take that with a HUGE grain of salt. His fire dept interview & background check - the final hiring steps - begin this Thurs. So, the pretection from abuse order, RO, has been dropped as of this week. But, it is left that i have sole custody at this point & he cannot come to my home or call me unless the call is about Averey. He hasnt called once. We call him so she can talk with him. I think he is still afraid to step over boundries, which is FINE with me. He has taken Kibo one nite overnite, & will take Sana tonite & drop him for surgery in the AM b/c i am working early. Last nite was the 1 time he tried to talk to me about "us", & i was very strong! He asked why we couldnt just live apart for a year for now - so he coudl prove himself to me, why i coudlnt just try to give him one more chance, didnt i still love him?, etc. I actually said "I am not trying anymore b/c i dont WANT to try. It took me a lot of years & a lot of heartache to get to this decision & i waited a long time until i was positive i would never turn back - & i am there now. & yes, i love you b/c you are Avereys Dad, but i dont love you like i need to to be married to you". Wow. I couldnt beleive i finally got to say it TO him. He was quiet & said "Well then, I am just going to have to listen to my attoreny & this is going to cost us both a lot of money". I just said "It doesnt HAVE to. We can negotiate & make plans, that are fair to both of us, it doesnt have to be drawn out". & he said again "I will just do what my atty says". I said "fine" & that was basically it - we made the plans to exchange the dog today, & ended the conversation. I am glad we actually HAD that conversation b/c over the past 3 days it was almost bizzare - we were on the phone about Ave or the dog, & nothing was mean or hateful or crazy. I was concerned that he may be getting the idea that now i may be "forgiving him". So of course, his statement last nite told me that WAS exactly what he was thinking. But he heard it clear as a bell ... or at least i SAID it clear as a bell! Averey is doing very well with the visits & phone calls & seems very happy & adjusted, & verbalizes well. After the park the other day, she did get teary-eyed & said "I wish our family could be big like it used to be with Daddy living with us" & i said "Remember Honey, we are still a family, just a different kind of family" & she was happy & onto the next subject a second later. She still sees her therapist every week & LOVES her. She todl me last week "i dont ever want to stop going to see Lynn". He hasnt made an appt in 2 weeks though, w/ the court ordered therapist about visitation & co-parenting, so thats tells you something.

We were supposed to be in court today, but his atty coudlnt make it so it was postponed. My atty has had NO response to the settlement proposal. & yes, we DID want to get some sort of settlement b4 we dropped that order, but time didnt allow it. My atty was pretty clear in his feelinsg that i should drop it to give him the best chance for this job, NOT for him, but for me & dd financially. & its true. At this point, he wont, i am pretty positive, act up at all b/c of the job possibility. I have had the RO 9-10 weeks at this point, so he knows i wasnt bluffing, thats for sure. & if the need arises, i will get another one in a heartbeat.

Lastly, The Gaurdian ad Litum called me yesterday - b/c there is no settlement, we do have to go through with this with her. More $$$ ! & she called & said "I had a nice meeting with your H last week ... " I can TELL she is very impressed with him. She even sadi, GET THIS, "he didnt want to say anything negative about you, he said that he didnt want your relationship as parents to get any more broken down". I wonder if she KNOWS he is a wolf in sheeps clothing. & of course, then she said "There is 2 sides to every story, & before i make any decisions about visitation & custody, i will need you side". & boy will she get THAT! I very professionally & non-emotionally told her i wouidl be more than happy to meet with her - & in the meantime, i said "Its my nature, as a nurse, to document. So i have some documentation that you may need to see, which has led us to where we are at this point, & will explain WHY we are at this point". She was thrilled with it. Today i went to the courthosue to give it it her & will make an appt to talk w/ her later this week. She is going to be BOWLED OVER. She will never beleive that the "dedicated calm father" she sat w/ last week is the SAME person in this file. It documents every major & some minor incicents. The worst, the physical & the ones where he involved dd, are highlighted. I then included all Emails to my atty that prove MY willingess to keep vistation going & requesting phone calls b/w dd & her Dad, & mostly my concern that he wasnt asking to see her & that she needs to keep the relationship up with her father, as long as he is safe. Basically this whole file will prove, beyond ANY doubt, (imho lol) that he is a crazed, insane, abusive alcoholic who threatened my life, put our dd in very bad emotional situations, AND that I have been the stable, working, loving parent who IS doing the best for my child. Lets HOPE she sees that anyway! What I want out of this is continued supervised visits until the therapist says he is safe ot see her alone, & sole custody with a very good amoutn of visitation for him - when he is doing well. She will make that reccomeendation to the judge & they say 99% of the time, thats what the judge loosk at. Of course, if she looks into all the psyc & marriage couseling records, she may not even let him SEE her! (not really, but boy, she will be in for quite a shock if she hears the professionals side of what they think).

& one funny thing - i am always very well dressed, looking professional, when i go to court. Today i had to go to the clerks office to get my file & copy some things. I carry a leather file case with anything i may need related to the case (which cracks me up b/c Mike walks in with not even a pen). She didnt ask for ID which i thought was weird. I did what i needed & went to sign out & she said "Excuse me, Counselor, what firm are you from?" HA HA HA

Ok, done now! Thanks for getting up to speed here!

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 1:17pm

R huney,.....I think your puppy dog will be ok.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:23pm

R -


As the "sister" of a yellow lab, I sympathize and I understand your fear.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:35pm
R,
I can not even imagine what you are going through! My heart and prayers are with you! I have a 4 year old S that is the light of my life. I swear if it weren't for him I'd be a gonner. I will pray for you.
Hugs~~
QFM