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| Fri, 04-29-2005 - 8:17pm |
I am so confused right now, I don't know what to do or think. I've had concerns about my husband and the way he treats me and my kids (not his) for awhile but on Sunday he actually scared me. I have been planning a trip to see my sister who lives 1500 miles away since late January. I was talking about it at dinner, teasing my kids about how much they were going to miss me, etc. My husband said that I shouldn't begrudge him a weekend "with the guys" if I'm going to leave for a whole week. (I don't begrudge him that weekend - don't know where he got that idea, as it gives me the chance to be totally lazy without hearing about it.) Then he started getting really huffy and angry, and then blew up about me taking a week away without "discussing" it with him. He has always told me that I did not need his permission to do anything, although I feel that way because when I want to do something, I have to hear that he is not my babysitter. Anyway - he started yelling that he would not leave me w/ his kids for a week, and I told him that was a stupid comparison since we only see them six weeks a year. (They live 900 miles away w/ their mother.) Then I told him fine, I would call my mother (who lives close by) and see if she could assist for a few days. He started yelling that I was a pigheaded stubborn B, and that he would "take care of everything". OK, so that's a comforting thought - NOT. (During this entire "conversation", my children are in the room - they are 14 and 10 years old.) So I go upstairs to the bedroom while he is yelling and call my mother. As I am talking to her, he comes in the room screaming for me to hang up the phone - demanding, not asking. I told him no, I am talking to my mother. He kept yelling "hang up the damn phone or your mother will hear everything." So I finally said "I'm sorry, my husband has chosen this exact moment to yell at me. I will talk to you later." Then I yell back about how he is to never yell at me when I am on the phone, and he is never to tell me what to do, particularly in that tone of voice. I go to the doorway to get away from him, and he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let me by. I pushed away from him, opened the door, and there is my 10 year old, sobbing in the hallway. God, it totally broke my heart. So I went into his bedroom, and we sat on the floor holding each other while he cried. My husband then stormed into my son's room, still screaming the exact same thing for about the sixth time (no exaggeration). I told him to get away from my child, get away from me and leave me the hell alone. He persisted, I repeated get away about four times until finally I said "If you can tell me to hang up the phone, I can tell you to get away from me." Finally he went back downstairs but he continued to yell and scream. I eventually got my son calmed down, and we were all on eggshells the rest of the night. My husband ended up sleeping on the couch (first non-stupid thing he had done in hours). The next morning he comes up to shower and says "sorry about last night." WTF?? Sorry takes care of that?? I told him that it would take a whole lot more than "sorry" to get me to forgive that behavior, and that if it EVER happens again, he is gone.
When he came home from work that night, he was acting like nothing was wrong. I asked him if he had any idea how upset I was, and he said yes. Then he said "What do you want me to do, pack my things?" I was so close to saying yes, but I just don't know. I told him no, I want you to get help because I am tired of the way you talk to me. Tonight is the first time I've spoken more than a sentence or two to him, and it was not really about anything "meaningful". I just keep replaying Sunday's scene over and over in my mind, and I do not know where you draw the line between being an a*hole and being an abuser. I read the list - he does not keep money from me (like he could - I have always insisted on my own accounts), he does not belittle me in front of people, he is not jealous and does not check up on me. But he blames everything that happens on me, and tries to make me feel stupid. He has smacked my kids when I have asked him to never touch them in anger, and he thinks it is acceptable to kick them in the butt to "get their attention". (I told him that I found that calling them by their names generally works.)
I don't feel like I belong here, because I don't want to put myself in the same category as somebody who has been beaten, battered or completely controlled by their spouse. But this just doesn't feel right to me. I am a very strong person - I raised my children alone for seven years (the younger one from birth) before I married him, and we discussed at length that he would be filling the father role for my children since their dad is a major jerk and has very little to do with them. I have only been married for three years - I feel like I'm not giving this a chance. But I also know that *I* cannot change him - he has to do it himself (or with the help of a therapist). What do I do? Am I a victim? Is he just a jerk, or is he emotionally abusing me and my children? My older son's grades have completely gone to hell since we got married, but I always blamed that on their father since he conveniently decided to stop his visitation the week before I got married. But my husband is very critical of him and rarely has anything positive to say to him. Have I been putting the blame on the wrong person? My family doctor told me to get him into therapy ASAP, and I didn't even tell her about my husband. I was afraid I was going to cry in her office and I was not ready to deal with that then. (That was Wednesday, at a checkup I had previously scheduled.) I have never been so confused in my life.
Just for the record - my ex-husband was nothing like this. He was non-confrontational to a fault, and left me for another woman right after I told him I was pregnant. He was stupid - oops, I mean IS stupid, but we never ever fought.

Hi luviwlw and welcome.
Take some time and read information in resources section. It will help you immensely. It usually takes a totally off the wall incident to suddenly realize that something is definitely wrong.
My stbx (very soon I hope)use to throw some sort of fit everytime I planned something for myself. Sometimes they would be subtle others times a main event. Either way, he accomplished his mission...making me feel guilty about doing something for myself. That's all part of the game.
Pay attention to that little child....he is trying to tell you something through his actions. Bad enough his real father didn't think he was important enough to continue seeing, and now he is dealing with this new guy who would rather smack him than call him by his name. He definitely needs counseling of some sort.
Starting learning now about what is going on before you are brainwashed into thinking everything is your fault.
Again, welcome and we are all here for you.
Terry
Yes, this message board is just the place you need to be. I wish I'd known about it nine years ago when I was trying to decide whether or not my husband was abusive. I didn't think I had any right to claim he was abusive because he hadn't hit me...yet.
You're strong now, and now's the time to take action. The guy is definitely abusive, and his abuse is already hurting your children. If it continues, you'll eventually lose the strength you have right now.
He hasn't hit you, but he has grabbed you. Now that he knows he can get away with that, there's a good chance that more physical abuse is in your future.
Please read as much as you can about emotional & physical abuse and post here whenever you need to.
Hi, Luvjwlw,
Let's take a look back at what you wrote. He doesn't belittle you in front of people? That's exactly what he did in front of your children and, in effect, in front of your mother, though she wasn't in the room. Getting in someone's face and yelling for them to hang up a phone counts as belittling, if you ask me. And I'd have a hard time believing he's not jealous of you in some way if he treats you like this--jealous of your independence, your insistence on being able to get away by yourself for awhile, which is perfectly your right to do.
Grabbing you by the arm counts as physical abuse, even if he doesn't leave a mark. Also, a man doesn't have to exhibit every single item on the list to be an abuser. I'm very concerned about your safety and that of your children right now. Please do whatever you need to do to be safe.
Welcome to the board Luv,
First of all,....I agree w/the others.
I think it's a bad situation any way you slice it. Yes, your children are having problems and there is something causing them. Yes, your husband crossed a line that he can't just take back. I am surprised your mom didn't call the police. If that was mine they would have been there in a heartbeat. You are correct he needs counseling.
What you need to decide is are you willing to take the chance he could have another outburst such as this? Do you want your kids to continue to live in this environment. When I left, it was more for my unborn son than me. I could not bring him into that house the way things were. I was married for 5 years and together with him for 7. No the control and abuse didn't start all at once and for many years we had a great marriage, but when things tanked the ship went down quickly.
I think at the very least you need to keep coming here and talking about things. Get your sons to counseling asap. Husband needs to get help on his own first. Make sure your family knows what's going on so if God forbid anything happens they can speak up. Strongly look at things. You know all my other boyfriends were nice boys, who would never try to control me ever. One is now one of my bestfriends. People don't always, pick abusers in a pattern and if all abusers were what they truely are when you first meet, no one would want them and they know that.
Good Luck and Prayers,
J
I want to thank all of you for your support and thoughts. This situation is completely foreign to me, and to my family members so for quite some time now I have been pretending like all is well. I am still leaving on my out-of-town trip next week, and I have instructed my parents that the children will be told to call them if they need them. I have also instructed my older son to call 911 if he feels it is necessary. (YDS is a little too immature to determine when 911 is necessary.) I am hoping like hell that my husband decides to be on his best behavior while I am gone so that I will not throw him out, but that thought is on my mind constantly. I spent the entire weekend mentally divorcing him and dividing our things. He tried to initiate sex yesterday and I didn't even want to be touched by him - I just don't think I can ever go back to the way it was "before". I've also been giving a lot of thought to "before", and I realize that things have been going downhill for a long time, and I have been pulling away from him for a long time, too. I thought my decreased sex drive (sorry if it is too much information . . .) was due to my anti-depressant, but thinking about it over the weekend makes me think that I've been pulling away because he makes me feel so miserable. Does that make sense?
The thought of another divorce makes me really upset, partly because of what it will to do my kids. My younger son is very attached to him, because he has never had an opportunity to live with his father and he is thrilled to have a real "family" now. But at the same time, both of my sons are so sensitive and very defensive of me, and I can't keep putting them through this. My children are my first priority, not my husband. But I just can't see this ever getting better. I need someone to tell me that I am not throwing in the towel prematurely - particularly when I suspect that this is why his first marriage broke up.
No you're not throwing in the towel prematurely.
If you feel the need to warn your kids to call 911, I'd say it's long overdue. But then hindsight's a wonderful thing isn't it?
I don't think there's any shame in a second divorce. Far more of a shame to waste your life on an abuser.
Good for you for not cancelling your trip.
Hugs
Rowena