Do I even attempt to return his stuff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Do I even attempt to return his stuff?
18
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 4:47pm

So he's been gone for over 5yrs.  I haven't seen or heard from him or about him in over a year.

I had my kids(and their kids and SO's) over for dinner Sat nite. I told my kids they could head up to the attic and take whatever Christmas ornaments/decorations/lights they wanted.  And then they found a box of his stuff.  Kid pics, his yearbook...etc.  

I put it all in one box and said I was going to make sure he got it all back.  (no, I do not venture into my hard to access attic but I do keep the things I use close to the entrance)  My kids were very taken aback.  WHY? would you care if he got any of this?  F*** him (and from my baby girl, 12 ~ If you would have listend to ME about him none of this would have happened)  Anyway...

Last September we had some horrific flooding and I know that the place he was living place was a total loss.  It's his new GF/Wife's (don't know/don't care the true story) home.  Maybe it's the skids that I am thinking about, maybe the devestation of losing everything and I KNOW I have this stuff and could be a good person and return it.  Or I could be a cold hearted B and just throw it out.

I was surprised by my kids reaction because at one time they really thought the world of him.  

Do they know better than me?  I don't trust my own instincts anymore....Any thoughts?

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 6:59pm

It's probably time to just let go of the stuff. Your kids have the right idea, why bother.  And not bothering to engage with the abuser in your life does NOT make you a b.  He's told you so many times that you are, but it's a big lie and you are not, and just because you throw the trash out will NOT make you one.  He has absolutely no idea you have this stuff and has completely forgotten about it.  My vote it to throw it in the garbage and call it "gone".

Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 8:37pm

After five years I wouldn't worry about it.

It has probably opened up old wounds for your kids, they are healing but it still stings.

Not your problem.

Personally I would just throw it ALL away...

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 3:27pm

I don't think I expected that reaction.  BUT - given that there have been two 'get rid of it' responses, in addition to my kids, then I will just get rid of it.  It doesn't feel totally right but why should I care how he feels?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 3:29pm

I hear you. Thanks.  As I mentioned, it doesn't feel totally right.  I can not trust my thoughts and emotions on this topic so I am accepting the advice.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 6:08pm

It's a way for them to keep a foot in the door so to speak...A month I could see it, you box it up leave it on a door-step provided no order against having ANY contact...I guess after five years he had "AMPLE" time to retrieve his stuff.

You are not responsible and I feel bad that you feel guilty.

It is what they are good at...remember who the "Bad Guy" is...and it wasn't you hon...

~hugs~

Lorie

I had another issue, my ex kept things held "Hostage"...I let them go!

Yeah!!!

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 6:46pm

If getting rid of it causes too much guilt, here is an idea you can do to get rid of it and not get guilt....give it to your older kids and ask them to "take care of it"...then if they choose to get it back to him, fine, if they choose to toss it....fine...etc...then YOU are not loaded with guilt, and I doubt your kids will feel guilty at all about what they choose to do with it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 5:29pm

No, I won't saddle my kids with that.  They made their feelings very clear.   I told them that on their advice and that of friends, it's going to the garbage.  My 2 middle kids were very relieved and I was sorta surprised.  But I accept that this is an issue that I am not able to gauge without feelings.  I do believe that this is the last bit of personal stuff around here.  I sorta went a littly nutsy digging thru attic treasures to make sure it was ALL GONE!  Now, how do I get the IRS to stop sending his $82,000 back tax info to my house?  I tried returning them, I would send a change of address but I don't know his address.   Nothing has worked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 10:52pm

Unfortunately, if you were married to him at the time he incurred that debt the IRS can and will go after you if they cannot get him to pay....they can and will garnish ALL bank accounts assocated with the social security numbers listed on the tax returns.

The ONLY way you can possibly get them to leave you alone is to consult with a tax lawyer... a Good CPA may be able to help but this one may require a lawyer that specializes in tax (and hopefully is well versed in domestic abuse as well)

If they do take your money to pay his taxes, you MIGHT be able to take him to small claims to recover some of the money but the IRS does not recognize divorce decrees, they feel the two of you being married are equally obligated to pay the tax and if one party has ignored their demands or has made themselves "unfindable" they do go after the other party...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 7:27pm
  • Oh no, we were never married.  Praise be!   They obviously don't have any new addy for him and I've tried to let them know he no longer lives here but that hasn't worked.  I just don't want any more 'important' stuff coming here.  Junk mail is one thing, Government wanting their money is another.  I used to save them and get them to him...then I just saved them...and now, I just toss them in the garbage.  Probably a federal offense,,,oh well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Fri, 12-21-2012 - 1:05am

dont throw them away...write return to sender addressee unknown

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