Do they ever get better?
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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 3:56pm |
I'm new to this board and have been lurking for a few months now. I'm in a situation that I can't believe is happening to me. My husband of two years has become more and more abusive. We've had four major blowups over the last 6 months. During his fits of rage he has pushed me, grabbed my arms, grabbed my throat, screamed in my face, kicked in my car door, pushed me down the stairs, threatened to kill me and the list goes on and on. Finally this last weekend I called the police and had him arrested for assault. He spent the night in jail, there is a restraining order against him and he will go to trail next month.
We have a really wonderful life but his anger is going to cost him, and me, everything. We share a business, have a great country home, hopes and dreams for the future, all is perfect except for his explosive anger.
After he got out of jail he called me in tears, telling me he doesn't want to lose me or the life we have. He understands what he did is wrong and he wants to get help. He wants to go to counselling and parenting classes. My question is this, has anyone ever seen their husband actually get better and learn to control his anger? I feel this situation is really pretty hopeless and if I reconcile with him I'm setting myself up for more abuse. Has anyone on this board emerged from abuse with a strong happy marriage?
I'd love to think there is hope, but as the saying goes "Hope is not a strategy". I want to be smart and make good decisions. Thanks for any help you guys can offer. I can't belive how hard this is. I think about him and my heart breaks!
Msmitten

Hi Ms. Mitten, and welcome.
CL-Blueliner4
When I think of him crying and how sincere he sounded it breaks down my guard, but I have to remember that he didn't care when I was crying and terrified; it only seemed to encourage him.
I feel blessed to have found this board as I imagine ending this marriage will be one of the most difficult things I've ever done. When I was calling the police it seemed crystal clear that I needed and wanted to be away from him, but now when I'm home alone my resolve is easily crumbled! My head is full of questions and doubts.
Thank you again for the honesty, I promise I will pay attention.
Deb
OMG msmitten Im going through the exact same situation right now! I have been married about 2 and a half years. My husband is like a carbon copy of yours, he started the abuse about 6 months after we got married and its been hell ever since. Ive even left several times and have again recently. It never got better- the physical violence got so bad he even broke my ribs. But just to prove he has control over his behavior, I was diagnosed with osteopenia (thinning bones) about half a year ago and since then his blows were alot less severe (wow nice guy huh?). However the emotional abuse and threats, insults and threats got worse. He was soooooooo controlling. For example he got up in the middle of the night in a rage and accused me of watching male body builders on TV.(I wasnt). When i told him I wasnt, he yelled "DONT LIE" and hit me on the thigh really hard with the TV converter. It left red welt marks. He then frantically proceeded to flip through all 160 channels over and over again until he saw that there was no such show on. He then said "well you shouldnt make me so paranoid with your monitoring of my porno watching"
He blamed me for his paranoid delusional beliefs. That is just one of hundreds of things.
BTW, does anyone have any info on a connection between abusers and porno. My husband would always be paranoid that I was watching it meanwhile everytime I got the cable bill (which I paid), he would have racked it up to about 150-200 dollars a month ordering pornos...all at times when he had picked a fight and scared me to leave. Now after some examination it seems that he kept ordering movies of a certain individual porno star. Was he obsessed? I know I have way more important things to worry about but this really upset me. When I would bring it up to him, he would get angry and say he did it just to get me back because he knew it would make me mad. Well Ive managed to stay away from him for a little while now, but each day is a stuggle not to call him. Even after all the terrible abuse Ive been through I still feel this weakness and sick feeling in my stomach that sometimes I just want to go home despite the danger. Im majorly messed!