do you ever really fully feel "ready"?
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|Fri, 12-07-2012 - 3:57am|
I'm really stuggling with back and forth feelings, not knowing if I'm "ready". I've seen on these boards and other as a lurker that you won't go until you're ready, and one day you'll just be sure. But when does this happen? I thought before well the next time something really severe happens, like threatening my life etc then I'll be ready and I'll go. But nothing like this has happened for sometime, of course we really also haven't been living together for sometime also as I am still working overseas having planned to move Spring of 2013. But now I also think even with just how things have been going I also can't live like that, always careful and mindful of what I say, how I act, where and what I do fearful of judgment or blow ups and that's not really a god life. Even when things are truly wonderful, I know punishment and holding me accountable aren't really that far behind. Plus I know in my head, even if my heart won't really admit to it, that he talks down to me, treats me with disrespect, shuts down arguements by either telling me to shut the f**k up or hanging up if on the phone when ever things don't go his way. He equates 'listening' as agreeing. If I listen, take it in, but still don't completely agree with his assesment of me, then he gets angry, then denies he got angry, and I become emotional, which just makes him more angry, and then he denies that he ever became angry, patronizing, or mocking in the first place. Then he'll say I'm irrational, illogical, and that I just can't handle things. This makes me think 'maybe I can't?". Maybe I should have the ability to listen to critisism a lot better and to have a 'stiff upper lip' not cry or be weak. But then I'll try that too. I did just last month actually the day before my birthday we talked and he basically psychoanalyzed me and all my faults, problems, how I evolved to be that way, everything FOR THREE STRAIGHT HOURS. I did not object or defend, I just listened and it was really, really hard and painful for me to do this as he truly did not do the psychoanlazing with any amount of compassion or love. It was so cold and distant, we even talked about how I was sexually abused when I was a teen etc. But amazingly this DID NOTHING!! Me listening like that did not make him feel closer to me or make him act more lovingly or errode any of the resentment. All it did is cause me to break down the next morning on my birthday, crying off and on all day. It was horrible. Yet I stil do wonder, am I overreacting like he says? He has done so much for me and to remodel our beautiful home, so he obiviously loves me and what right do I have to question moving back now just because he wants to build respect for me and develop more intamicy through discussing how he still struggles with finding a deeper respect for me? I don't know. I just what some comments from people who have been where I am now: Do you EVER just know? Or do you just DECIDE yet still have second thoughts and wonder if it's the right thing to do, if you aren't overeacting, wondering if you should wait a little longer and see if there is some other really, really bad thing that happens to confirm that you aren't wrong about leaving?? Do you every really just "know"? Thank you.
PS Also I did start counseling, so at least I'm doing that now.