DOES ANYONE WORK THINGS OUT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
DOES ANYONE WORK THINGS OUT?
11
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:26am

After reading most of the posts in here im wondering if i am the one who needs help? Does anyone ever forgive their husbands? My husband of 19yrs slapped me in the back of the head last week after i slammed our bedroom door and woke him up as i was still pissed off after an arguement we had a few hours prior! I have no tolerance for abuse so i picked up the phone and dialed 911 and had him arrested! or should i say he had himself arrested, he admitted to the 911 operator that he hit me and that he would be waiting patiently outside for the police to come and take him to jail. My 17yr old daughter and my 11 yr old son did not see him hit me but after hearing the commotion they came downstairs to investigate as i was calling 911.

Im glad i had him arrested as i am a firm believer that if kids witness domestic violence! or in my case know that it occured! then what message am i sending them if i do not call the police? and as i said I have no tolerance for abuse!

Now for the messy part of all this! since i live in a State that automatically issues a No contact order I am now faced with court dates, attorney fees. I need to speak with a domestic violence specialist in order to have this No contact order dropped. My husband is in the Military so now they are involved! His position in the Military is at stake!
Talk about a mess! This is a man with a clean record, perfect service record, etc!
This is the first time he ever hit me! he was charged with 4th degree assault which is usually referred to as a simple assault! the pamphlet the officer gave me which has a list of signs of abuse do not pertain to my situation whatsoever, I can honestly say that my husband does not control me, verbally abuse me, threaten me, call me names, withhold money, etc! I have no problems speaking with a domestic violence specialist but now im wondering if she is going to think i am lying to save my husbands ass! He is not allowed to contact me but he can contact our children and has stressed to them how sorry he is and there is no excuse for what he did! he is more than ready to take his punishment! the sad part of all this is they are more than willing to give it to him too. So many abusers out there are lying to get out of their charges, blaming their wives, alcohol, drugs, bad day at work, etc! these are the men that are getting off scott free and one can bet they will go right back to the way they were as they feel more powerful than ever thinking they beat the system, my husband does not drink or do drugs, he is a wonderful husband and a father! Now i feel bad! my daughter told him how i feel and he said WHAT? i wont have it, she is not to feel bad for me! i am to blame, not her.
I cannot help the way i feel, this man has worked hard for everything we have, he has given 20 yrs of military service and it really bothers me that they can take over and do whatever they want! I am the one who filed the report! does anything i say matter?
This is causing undue stress on my family right now! i am at a loss! anyone here ever been in the same situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:21pm
im_shelly...the situations you're reading about on this board are situations in which there are ongoing issues of control, power and dominance. True forgiveness in abusive relationships can take place if the perpetrator of violence stops abusing which hardly ever happens. It's really impossible to forgive something that's ongoing as abuse is, as what needs to be forgiven is never "over" until you remove yourself from the environment, if you know what I mean. I work for a domestic violence agency and we are aware that there are a lot of variables in these cases as we have seen & heard just about everything so the specialist you see should know this too, but of course, I don't know if she'll believe you or not as some victims do lie and it's not always easy to tell what's going on in our cases. Make sure that you're speaking to the "court advocate" at your local agency and you should also consider talking to the prosecutor because the prosecutor is in the position that they have to choose which cases to pursue or not pursue as they have way too many to handle, and it would probably be relatively easy to get them to work with you. They might be able to offer him adjudication in which if he keeps his nose clean for a year, charges are dropped. This would take cooperation from both the arresting officer and the prosecutor, so maybe the court advocate could help you get that worked out. You're in a different state than I am, I know, because we don't have a 4th degree charge here in Alabama, but the court process should be similar. Besides that, it would really surprise me if your husband got much more than a slap on the hand for his behavior anyway. It's hard to get justice with even the most violent of men and even when you get it the penalties are so light that we see cases where men go to court multiple times for doing it over and over and still only get a slap on the hand. It's really frustrating from my point of view. But you probably don't have too much to worry about. Anyway, hopefully, your husband has learned an extremely valuable lesson through this experience and will keep his dang hands to himself in the future. Violence solves nothing and only creates more problems - obviously. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:29pm
P.S. Because of his career he probably has a BETTER chance of getting off light. Being his first offense with no history, they will probably be very hesitant to destroy this and would probably give him a chance anyway. Domestic Violence abusers generally get plenty of chances, whether they deserve them or not. I have been involved in cases both in Alabama and in New York and this has been my experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 7:10am
Thank you for replying! I live in Washington state and believe me they have no tolerance for domestic violence; Today I received some forms to fill out from the Prosecuting Attorneys office! they are a victims impact statement and a restitution estimate! Do you know what these are used for? do they present them in Court?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:35am
Yes...Washington state is tough on Domestic Violence. My grandma and other family live there, in Tacoma, Seattle, Olympia and Shoreline. I remember all the stuff that happened there that started with the Tacoma Police Chief murdering his wife in front of the kids and killing himself and then all the arrests of other officers across the state for the crime. A lot of events changed the entire legislative picture of how the crime is handled there. I'm not sure how a conviction for simple assault would affect his career as the penalties are very light and it's a gross misdemeanor rather than a felony. I haven't seen evidence that the military takes it that seriously personally. My brother has had problems with violence and he gets away with everything and the military is very aware of what he's done. I do realize you want to avoid conviction if at all possible. The prosecutor is still going to be the key to this. The victim impact statement is for you to document how you were impacted by the crime and it could be used in court which in your case wouldn't be a bad thing as it allows you to state your dilemma and desire to keep your family together, keep your husband's career intact, etc.. These statements are great to be able to use in situations where there has been serious trauma and damage. You obviously will not be expressing that kind of issue and that will make a difference. As for the resititution estimate, this could be for Washington's Crime Victim's Compensation Fund or for direct compensation from offender to victim. I don't know. I think your best bet is to be honest in your statement, the prosecutor or assistant prosecutor will read it and make his decision as to how to continue. If you write the situation down as you presented it here, I'm sure it will help you. Prosecutors can't handle all the DV cases, there are way too many, and many do get dismissed - even in Washington. Prosecutors simply aren't going to heavily pursue a case they are likely to lose. Largely, this is an issue of being understaffed and of simply not having to money to pursue them all. Also, the courts are very interested in rehabilitation of offenders, even though most abusers are not rehabilitatible, but they do try to get the abusers to reform first before going to extreme. They don't have the room or the funds to put all of them in jail. I think the prosecutor will either drop the case or adjudication as I explained yesterday, which will still mean fines and possibly enrollment in a DV prevention program as well as possible probation. I've never worked in your state in this business so don't know how it will turn out, but knowing the core issues that take place in the justice system all over the country, I still don't think you have too much to worry about. Yours will be one of the easy cases to solve, you should see some of them they handle that are much more pressing. Please let us know how it goes. We understand and we care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:17am

Yes it all makes since to me now! the laws here tightened up shortly after that incident!
Its too bad that it took a police chief to kill his wife for them to wake up and realize that this can occur in any family. Thanks so much for the information regarding the impact statement, everything you said for me to document is exactly what i had in mind however i did not know if it was appropriate to explain what my true feelings are to the prosecuting attorney when there job is to protect the victim. its a weird situation to be in thats for sure.

i will let you know the outcome of all this. thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:58pm

Do let us know how it goes, Shelly.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:20am

I agree. I think in your impact statement you can ASSURE the court that there has never been any hint of abuse or control in the past & that your H seems to be very willing to admit his fault, make

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:49am

This is an unusual abuse case, I'll give it that. IF and ONLY IF he takes responsibility for what he does, gets counseling, and takes decisive steps to ensure that this will never happen again, it MAY be that he is changing. However, the statistic that only 1% of abusers ever change is also true.

All you can really do is see how the situation plays out. IF and ONLY IF it appears that he is changing, you will have to be the one to decide what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 5:53pm

Hello! Changing as in possibly becoming a different person after 19yrs of no abuse in our marriage? If that is what you mean then yes i thought of that also, so much has went through my head, i am being extremely cautious! and at the same time remaining optimistic.

In the event that this did happen again? you can bet i would not stick around for a 3rd time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:10pm

Do you have any advice on how i might address the court or Prosecuting Attorney in my Impact statement? I tend to be a little too forward at times, I dont want to tick them off. As i said before it is a weird situation to be in, I know their job is to protect the victims therefore i have nothing but respect for what they do.
any advice would be greatly appreciated

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