does he HAVE TO pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
does he HAVE TO pay?
7
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 6:22am
I left my abusive ex 2 years ago this month. Our son will be turning 9 this Saturday. I've come into financial problems. I mean I've always been struggling when it comes to money but it seems to be getting worse. I don't live in the same city as my ex or the same country for that matter. I'm canadian and he is american. My ex has NEVER paid child support and can't provide me with any other support either(ie: watching our son while I work, etc.)Not that I would trust him with our son anyway since I won't allow my son to be anything like his father.
My ex has kidney failure and is now on SSI. He's been on dialysis for maybe 4 years now. He wasn't always ill though and didn't pay support when he was healthy. I applied for child support twice before he ever got sick and both times I didn't get anywhere. The first time he couldn't be located and the second time he actually assaulted the serving officer and told the guy that he wasn't the guy they were looking for. Right after being confronted with the papers, he called me and left a simple, short message on my answering machine. He only said, "stop playing games". 3 words!!!
I've asked for his support many times and he says he's not going to pay for a child he never sees. He has also said that his money from SSI CANNOT be sanctioned. I don't know if thats true though. Is it? I'm on government assistance myself and can barely afford the roof over our head, not to mention the utilities, food or clothing my son needs. My wonderful parents help out by buying groceries and contributing to his clothing when I don't have enough funds. What I don't understand is how he doesn't have to pay child support(so he says)yet my entire fixed income is used to take care of my child and myself. Can he be forced to pay if only even $20 per month or whatever amount?
Another thing is, he hasn't contacted us for 6-7 months now and lately has been calling one of my dear friends constantly and asking her for my telephone number. He hasn't called in so long that he actually FORGOT our number!!! She hasn't given him the number and I'm not sure I want her to. I so far have told her not to give it to him. I'm undecided as to whether or not I want anything to do with him for any reason. Would I be opening the door to the stress and aggravation he's caused both my son and I? Should I leave sleeping dogs alone and find a way to get through my hardship? Should I force him to pay support no matter what?
I'm Christian and believe God will take care of me as He always has but shouldn't my son's sperm donor(for lack of a better word)have to pay?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 12:42pm

Hi and welcome -


The best thing for you to do would be to contact your local women's shelter and find a lawyer or get a contact for Legal Aid to assist you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:16pm
I haven't had any first hand experience, but I've heard that SSI money is not eligible for child support. I don't think you can collect, but call Legal Aid or the canadian equivalent of it to be sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:04pm
Hi...I just read your post.......My ex-husband is on disability and recieves social security, he is the father of my son, I get part of my ex's social security check for my son, every month......please go down to your local social security office to talk to someone and apply, all you need is your babys father social security number..I hope this helps!!!!!!!!!!! good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:08pm
sorry I just read that you both lived in differnt countries, call a social security office here in the states, if u look it up on the web you can get an 800 number
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 7:34pm
Thanks so much for the info. As much as I don't WANT anything from my ex, I feel he should have some responsibility for our son no matter how small the amount. Funny thing is, he said he would never pay for a child he never sees. He has 4 other children with 3 other women in his city and I know for a fact, he's NEVER paid any support for any of them either. Not to mention the fact that on a GOOD month, he'll drop by their homes ONCE if they're lucky. Even then, he only sees them for a few minutes and doesn't actually take them anywhere. One time, one of his sons was with us in the car for a few minutes as we sat outside the house and his poor little boy actually said, "Where have you been?". I'm not that child's mother but it broke my heart. My ex laughed and thought it was funny. So in reality, he doesn't pay for the kids he SEES either. On another occasion, I saw two matching kid's coats in his hallway closet and I asked about them. He said they were for his son and daughter but they only get to wear them when they're WITH HIM!!! How can a human have so little parental instinct?! Isn't it natural to want your children protected from the elements of weather or starvation or any other basic need no matter where they are?!
Anyhow, thanks again for the advice. My ex acted more like a child than an adult during our relationship and had me taking care of our important business and financial papers so I conveniently happen to have his social security number,lol.
Its so great to be so far away that he can't drop in on me the way he does with the other women. I suspect thats the reason none of them have sued for child support although one of them did press domestic violence charges against him. Unfortunatley, she didn't show up for court and the charges were dropped and again I suspect it was because they live in the same city and neighborhood. I stupidly went with him that day and thought he was there to answer to simple traffic violations.....little did I know but nothing about him suprises me anymore.
Take care ladies and have a good day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 8:27pm

Hi, just me.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:03am
I have talked to a couple people regarding their situations as far as collecting child support from an american citizen.I'm told that it is possible to collect and sanction paychecks belonging to an american if you are canadian. I know people in Windsor, Ontario who have had children with men across the river in Detroit, Michigan. Its actually quite common in that area. This is how I met my son's father. I was visiting in Windsor and went across to Detroit with some friends of mine. Thats how I ended up meeting my ex. As far as being on assistance in Canada, they DO require you to at least try to get support and have to prove that you've at least tried. Legal Aid was helping me but the case just sort of got lost in the background because he's hard to find. Thats a big part of it. He keeps nothing in his name, no car, no apartment,no bills, no phone, no cell, no pager and he wouldn't even have a bank account if he didn't require it for his SSI to be directly deposited into. He usually has a new girlfriend who's silly and young enough to believe he loves her and puts these kinds of things into her name for him. When he doesn't pay for these things, the girls get tired of it and cut the bill off. Then he moves out of her home and onto the next girl who falls for it. I've never known him to have ANYTHING in his name and he's now 32 years old. When I attempted to make a strong go of our relationship, I had the apartment and bills put in my name but before we could get moved in, I left with our son while he was undergoing a dialysis treatment one afternoon. Because I'm not stupid, I had everything that ever had my name on it halted. He only found out after he still tried to move into the apartment we were going to live in. I'm educated enough to know better than to let someone ruin my name.
But anyway, back to the child support, you have to try get support when you apply for assistance in Canada and when you do get it, they only deduct from your benefits the amount you recieve for support. For example, if you get let's say $800/month in assistance and then all of sudden you start getting $50/month in child support, they will deduct only $50 from your benefits so that you still get a total of $800/month. Another thing about our system here is that you don't have to apply for 3 different things like americans do. I applied for benefits down there because as a full native american indian, I'm entitled to the same rights and benefits as americans. I noticed that I had to apply for cash assistance, food stamps AND medical benefits and also learned that I might not get them all. In Canada, its all in one. You get all 3 benefits if you qualify for assistance.It all comes to you in the form of a check 2 or 3 days before the end of every month. There is also no such thing as co-pay for prescriptions. Its fully covered for Canadians as is any dental work, optical care or anything else medically related. You can also get subsidized daycare at any licensed facility of your choice if you work full or part time. When I found a full time job when my son was younger, I paid the maximum amount the daycare could charge me and it added up to $12/week which is amazing if you're a single mom and your family doesn't live nearby. I wasn't on assitance to get that rate, I just was in a certain income bracket that allowed me full subsidized benefits for daycare. In a lot of ways, the system we have is very good at helping a person get on their feet. They also have whats called "work incentive" and its a program that allows you to work AND get benefits. Even if its a low income job, they will supplement your income for as long as you need them and you aren't deducted the amount you earn like they deduct when you get child support payments. All around, the system really helps people get out on their feet again.
Thanks for the info again ladies. Its much appreciated! Take care!