does therapy really help..?

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
does therapy really help..?
11
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 2:37pm

Once you know how to recognize abuse and read self help books and gain knowledge through boards, does therapy really make a difference. Basically you just talk to a person and maybe get a third party validation. But once you get out, you carry on your usual stuff. So how does therapy really help? Trying to decide if I should keep spending my $10 co pay on this. At the end of the day, nothing helps unless person is willing to take the step told by therapist? Any one have any feedback/experience on how a therapist may have really helped you.

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 3:14pm

I thnk it's a good thing and am in the process of considering it myself.

Talking to someone who is familiar with it and who is someone impartial, and who can be objective I think will help you either come to a decision or realize you made a good one.

The very best thing I did was get out.

~hugs~

<3

Lorie

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 3:15am

I asked myself this question so many times. Before I left, I was not willing to hear it. I did not want to leave him. I was too scared. I wanted to stay married because I thought it was more "moral" or more "Christian" to stay. Ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 1:27pm
IMO and from what I have heard from other, individual counseling does not help in any way for dv victims/survivors. Group therapy/support groups on the other hand are AMAZING. I found a wonderful group at a local dv org that met every week. I went for a year or so and it was by the far the most helpful and uplifting experience of my life. there were occassions where I felt I didn't fit in or I strongly disagreed with others in the group, but people came and went but the core group of 3 of 4 of us stayed together and really learned a great deal from each other. Eventually, I was at a point where I (and the group coordinator) felt I no longer "needed" the group.

When I first went in, I told them that I would probably go back to him, that I still loved him and what he did "wasnt that bad." By the end, I was the one giving out the sage advice and supporting newcomers who were saying the exact same thing I had.

I really recommend finding a good group.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 4:03pm

Once you know how to recognize abuse and read self help books and gain knowledge through boards, does therapy really make a difference. Basically you just talk to a person and maybe get a third party validation. But once you get out, you carry on your usual stuff. So how does therapy really help? Trying to decide if I should keep spending my $10 co pay on this. At the end of the day, nothing helps unless person is willing to take the step told by therapist? Any one have any feedback/experience on how a therapist may have really helped you.

As you might know, I did the therapy route.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 6:08pm

therapy woking depends on the person and the therapist. I tried a couple of times before I made it to a session and the first time I only made it to one session!! I not only made the mistake of telling him I was going to see someone but let him drive me there!! He was late getting me and I am sure that was not an accedent. The first person I saw offeneded me by telling me that I would be an easy case. If I was so easy why was I there? Also I told her my goal was to leave him and she wanted to do a joint session!! I have seen 2 different people since then and the last one helped the most. Mainly what I got from him was a man telling me what I was doing was ok and normal. That helped more then anything could have I think. My children have been in counseling and with my oldest it never works cause she doesn't want to go, my little two had a women I did not like and I swear was out to get my son, but my son does good with counseling and bad when he misses a few times.

Only you know if its worth going. My suggestion is to back off on sessions and see how you feel. I quit going and there are days I wish I still went but most the time I am ok with not going


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 10:05pm
I wouldn't waste the time and money on it anymore. You can get enough self-help from books and the internet. Your husband is really the one who should be in therapy to learn how to be a better father and husband and get on some meds for his mood disorder. There is no doubt he's got some kind of personality disorder or OCD going on. He needs some paxil or something.
sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 12:50am

You don't NEED validation!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 11:27am

Yes, it is true I don't need validation on abuse. But what I do struggle with is - 'is it bad enough', 'is leaving going to make things better and if one set of problems is going to be replaced by new set of issues. Also sometimes I feel overwhelmed rethinking next steps..So it is nice to talk it out with someone who can offer a non-judgemental ear and good sounding board. One of the things she has said..is even when he is not yelling and screaming..it still isn't good enough..she keeps reminding me about how I dont have my own life and have to cater around him ..So she is like..is that the message you want to send to your DD, what about Your life, and the fact I am still around is..the minor things (get it..I call it minor) are just what I have become immune to..She says..you have been conditioned all these years and accepted it..

So yes, I guess therapy has its benefits when I think I am just overwhelmed and need a listening ear. But my copay increased this year..so I think I will save the money..at this point..I just see her 1-2 times a month..but I think i will cut it down to 1/month..I am also reading the self help books and how to find the strength/courage/make decisions..so I think that may be actually more helpful..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 12:17pm
It sounds like winter still has some conflicted issues as she said she's still wondering if this is bad enough to leave (I had that thought for a long time). So maybe the validation is warranted right now for her sake. After she is out or right when she's ready to leave, I imagine she'll have the clarity that you displayed.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 5:27pm

"It sounds like winter still has some conflicted issues as she said she's still wondering if this is bad enough to leave (I had that thought for a long time). So maybe the validation is warranted right now for her sake. After she is out or right when she's ready to leave, I imagine she'll have the clarity that you displayed."

It is good to go and talk it out with someone..but I was thinking I have done this for a while and $20-30/month is still money that could be spend otherwise..And a friend remarked..it is easy to use a 'crutch'..I think I am going to wean myself away and focus on getting internally strong. One thing the therapist had pointed ..is my low self esteem and self confidence (also she did point that my indecisiveness has been due to the conditioning and criticism..so I am never sure of myself..)..But then on the other hand, she hasn't really done any session on HOW to become stronger, HOW to overcome lack of confidence, HOW to get where I want to go..except for saying..you need to get out. Also she says leave DD there and it is HER choice if she wants to come or not. Yes, but she is not thinking like a mom here..Moms dont give 14 year old's choices...yes I cannot force her..but I can't say it is HER choice. Also she (therapist) has no kids..so i wonder if she thinks like a mom would..

I find reading that book-' why does he do that ' has been not only enlightening but also a reinforcement on how things will never change..and the only alternative is to get out.

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