Does your abuser ....
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Does your abuser ....
| Thu, 02-02-2006 - 8:34am |
....have a problem with you having friends? My H has ALWAYS disliked my friends,& he'll find some rediculous excuse as to why he doesn't like them. He gets irate if one of them calls,and God forbid if I go anywhere with them.I know that it's his way of isolating me from the rest of the world,which is common with most abusers.Even though it's a huge fight when I socialize with my friends,I'll be darned if I'm going to let him take that away from me.Being so far from my family,they're all I have.I was just wondering if some of you experience this,and how do you deal with it?
Serenity

Serenity,
I had to respond because it seems our abusers have similar ways. I have my work friends and one girlfriend that I went to college with. So, my friends at work I've known for almost 10 years and my girlfriend I've known for 18! He knows almost all of these people yet HATES it when I go out with them. He's had his various, ever-changing reasons why over the years but it all boils down to him hating it when I have fun with anyone other than him. And hating it that I'm out at restaurants/bars without him. Especially with my girlfriend. She's got kind of a wild streak and I really don't but he just thinks she's "such a bad influence". The way I handled it about 7 years ago was to limit my outings with people because it was such an ordeal and he always ended up ruining the night for me. And I flat out stopped seeing my college girlfriend for almost a year! Terrible! Plus I always had a "curfew". Never mind that he goes out whenever/wherever/with whomever/until whenever. A huge double standard I've been dealing with for almost our entire relationship. Not as much at the beginning but the closer we got - married, then having kids, the tighter his grip.
The way I handled it almost 5 years ago, after I had our first child, was to start going out again. I didn't care that it was a fight. I fought tooth and nail for my outings. Lately, I still try to go out once a month or so, but I still get that sick feeling in my stomach beforehand because I know the fighting/silent treatment will begin. I hate it.
So, I don't handle it well, I guess. I still turn down friends' invitations more than I should. I try not to go out more than, God forbid, twice a month. I just hate the turmoil. I guess I could use some advice too. Or at least read about other's experience in this area.
Lisa
You're right, they do sound so similar. I'm sorry you're going through the same B.S.
My H uses guilt to keep me from going anywhere also. If I go out with friends, he says i'm neglecting my children..which makes me a "bad mom". I don't know why I let him do that to me. My H also talks to anyone he wants,goes where ever he pleases, but its OK for him. I'm just so tired of it.I think from now on I'm going to go whether he likes it or not. I'll just have to deal with the cold shoulder/mouth. Maybe if I show him I'm not bowing down to him anymore he'll get over it.I doubt it,but it's a nice thought! Thank you Lisa, hopefully we'll both find a way out.
Hugs, Serenity
OMG, mine has done the same guilt thing with my kids - how I don't think about them when I'm out, I just don't care, etc. So ridiculous.
You're right, we just have to fight through it and go. We shouldn't allow them to keep us from seeing friends. We're doing nothing wrong.
I've had thoughts that if I just keep insisting and going that things will change and they never do. Even if it seems like everything is fine right up until the day I'm supposed to go out, something will immediately change to affect his mood drastically. It's nuts.
Stay strong and I hope we both find a way out soon as well. BTW, how old are your kids?
Lisa
Yes! He hates all my friends. He thinks that we sit around and talk about him! He has given them all the rights to talk about him but they dont. One time I went to my friends house to have a couple of drinks and hang out. He called on my cell and I didnt hear it. He showed up in a rage, didnt knock on the door or say anything, he just opened the door and started going off grabing my purse then followed me home! My friends were horrified. Thats when they started worring about me. Now I'm not ALLOWED to go out with them. What ever. I dont make plans anymore with them for now. I'm getting my things in order and will be telling him soon that I want a divorce. I can't live like this anymore. Even better than him hating my friends....at his family get togethers if I am having too much of a good time with HIS family he will get mad. What is that about?
I can't stand it anymore.
Taylor
Taylor, Pinocchio worked consistently to keep me and his family from getting along.
Yup, ol' Leon the Loony used to do this one all the time too. My favorite was when he tried to start a fight with my one friend because she said, "I didn't like Professor X's class, but everyone has different learning styles, and you might love it." He got all huffy and tried to say that "she shouldn't have said that" (mind you, he asked her) because "it might color his opinion of Professor X" (wasn't that the whole idea?). This was one of the incidents that nailed the coffin of the relationship closed.
Point being, they come up with the complete most absurd things to get you away from your friends, because they know that your friends stand in the way of them doing whatever they want to you. I know it's a hard fight to continue to socialize, but it's one well worth it- you will need them whenever you decide to leave.
"they come up with the complete most absurd things to get you away from your friends, because they know that your friends stand in the way of them doing whatever they want to you."
Exactly!! & I found cl gonna's comment "and he only wanted us to spend time with his friends - all 2 of them." especially funny. My H has no friends, he doesn't value friendship in the least bit.Who would want to be friends with a jerk like that anyways??
We deserve so much better,ladies.
Lisa, my kids are 14,13,10 and 6.
Serenity