Doing for my mom what she couldn't do...

Avatar for sparklit
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Doing for my mom what she couldn't do...
7
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:52am
for us. I think you call this coming full circle, I don't know, but it reminds me of that. My father was abusive as you know, and verbally abusive to my mom. My mom never expressed herself, still has trouble at 70 years old, to anyone. That was her problem and living with a depressed man, who was also verbally abusive didn't help. Although in the last 10 years he has changed. He's more of a mush, but my mother still has trouble "speaking up". He is like my ex in that they don't think about consequences, they just do things that seem exciting, almost to get that high, and wind up causing problems. Well, they are not doing well financially, he took out a loan for a car he couldn't afford. They are retired and not even middle class, I would say. So anyway, now they decided they have to sell their condo and go into a cheaper co-op. Their place, they were so lucky to get. She's got friends, goes on day trips, plays cards. Their pool area is like a resort. So, she says she'll think about it. Of course, he goes wild. Making phone calls, signs with a realtor to sell their house. My sister and I step in. He doesn't like. Tells us, it's their life, because he's seeing opposition coming and my mother has trouble even knowing what she wants. OMG! So, after looking around, they find a place they like. I got my mother on the phone and asked her what she wanted. "Do you really want to move. Do you really need to move?" This is a big thing because she does not drive and it would be difficult for her to get around. She said, "yes, we are living so tightly and this new place has a club and a pool also." The problem is that now they will have money in the bank and we're afraid he will spend it. So, I got him on the phone and told him that if they wind up doing this, he will not be spending any of that money. They will still have live somewhat conservatively and you are not going to put her in a bad way again. Well, it's at the point where he's consulting us as to what to do. He asked me to go there today with them and go over the money situation and finances, and also to see the place. He says that if I don't like it or if I don't feel it's worth it, he won't do it. He-he! LOL!

Unbelievable. It just feels good to be able to step in and help my mom. Believe me, my father is not the way he used to be . She pretty much runs the show. Although it's sad because she holds a lot of resentment for all the years she didn't speak up. She's been better after this last triple bypass. I think she didn't think she was going to make it and she realized it's not worth it to carry all this resentment. It's very harmful to the mind and body. For me, it's almost like, talk about red flags. I think it makes her a little nervous because we are not backing down. But that's okay.

Anyway, thanks for letting me talk about this.

Hugs!

Maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:16am
I'm just glad he is being compliant enough to allow you to step in and help this way, and I'm really glad you can do this for your mom, too. I hope she is able to make a lot of new friends and continue her usual activities in the new place.

I don't know their money situation or where the checks come from or how they are usually handled, but I am thinking it would be great if your mom could somehow manage to have another bank acct. all her own, or maybe you could set one up for her he wouldn't know about where she could stash some back to keep him from spending it all. Hopefully, he will do what he has said and let you help manage part of the financial situation and will start to be a little more careful, for the sake of their future security.

You are such a good person Maria, I'll bet your mom is very thankful to have you there for her right now!

Hugs!

Avatar for sparklit
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 8:36pm
Thanks Jeeps. That's a great idea re: the money. Hugs! M.
Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:20am
Sparklit, your Mother is so fortunate you are there for her, and that you stepped in with this situation. I can imagine the stress and frustration, but whohoooooo, you made such a difference, and that's a good thing. I think Jeepster's suggestion about the money and an account for your Mom is excellent. I wonder if you could possibly seek having "power of attorney" over financial issues, while your Dad is being responsive and asking for your help. If so, that would really help you to monitor things, and to help protect your Mother.

Best wishes with all of this!

HUGS!!

Avatar for zippity_dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:15am
You may want to check out having their assets (like from the sale of the condo) placed in an irrevocable trust with you and/or your sister named as co-trustees with your mother alone or both parents. This gives you complete control over if/how the assets are dispersed during their lifetime. (ex: money for a new car could be spent from the money earned from the sale of the condo, but only with the signed consent of all named in the trust.) Your parents would still have the assets until their death..and be responsible for taxes, insurance, etc, but the assets could not be sold or used without all trustees consent. There is also the perk that at their death there will be no need for a will to be probated...the assets are dispersed according to the conditions outlined therein. Also there will not be gift taxes to deal with as there is if a parent "gives" an asset to someone else to control. There is a difference in a revocable trust and an irrevocable trust..like diamonds an irrevocable trust is forever unless ALL parties dissolve it. If you should consider this, please arm yourself with the knowledge that revocable trusts (like wills, power of attorney, etc) can be changed at whim whereas irrevocable cannot. The other thing is that ALL named in an irrevocable trust have to agree to the use of any assets...meaning that if both you and your sister were named on the trust then both of you would have to be in agreement with each other as well as with anyone else named.

This is probably something else to confuse you, but it is an option that perhaps you aren't aware of. I'm taking care of an aging parent myself so I know the stress that comes from parenting both your own children and those who should be parenting you. When my aging father fell hard for a very young golddigger I took this route. She doesn't know that the bulk of his assets can't go to her...EVER! No matter what he does with a will it affects nothing with the assets outlined in the trust. Hugs..hope this doesn't throw too much confusion your way! ~~ Dee

Avatar for piazza31
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 2:35pm
Maria....Are you sure we are not sisters?? lol they sound like my parents! You are an angel sweetie.....I am glad they have you! Hugs!!

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:12pm
Good for you and your sister stepping in on this. My mom has never been pushed she was alwyas the one doing the pushing but I'm gald that you are able to do this and I'm sure your mom is just smiling on the inside even if she is not on the outside. Good for you dear. HUGS and Prayers.>Jo
Avatar for sparklit
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:14pm
Thanks so much, Jo. For you support as always.

Hugs and love,

Maria