is this domestic abuse?
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| Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:28pm |
Hi ladies
Okay, I dont know who to talk to this about. I have been married almost 6 years, 2 beautiful boys - 4 and almost 1. My husband and I have a pretty good marriage, mostly ups, but some downs. Well Saturday, we got into this big argument, (biggest we've ever had), about money and I was putting him down and he swore at me so I slapped him. That was my first time every slapping him, but he was swearing at him (which he never does either). Anyways, after I slapped him, he grabbed me by the arms really bad and squeezed them so tight and then threw me on the floor. I was hysterical. I ran upstairs and told him I was going to the police. Then he told me please not to - they would arrest him and his life would be ruined. he promised to never do this again. he apologized, and I did to later on that evening for putting him down so much and smacking him.
it's been 2 days later and I still picture this in my mind. Will he do this again? will our marriage work. After this happened, my husband drove around for hours, he came home and we talked. he said he would never do this again, and I promised to never smack him again, but i still cant believe he was so angry that he grabbed me by the arms and threw me on the floor.
If I went to the cops, our marriage would have been over with, and I wasn't ready to give that all up. I know he loves me, and I love him, but can this work out? he is really not a violent person, so I dont know where this came from. My Best friend said that since I smacked him he got very upset and did that to get me back. It just scared me.
What do I do? was that domestic abuse?
Heather


Heather
((Hugs))
I don't know the answer to that question. I am in a somewhat similar situation. My husband and I have had quite a few ups and downs lately as well. We recently moved to another state and arguments have gotten progressively worse.
About 6 to 7 weeks ago we got into a shouting match and he tried to choke me while I was holding our son and then he pushed me down. He said it was because I put my hands on him, but I was trying to move him out of my way as he was yelling at me.
He said he was sorry and although he pushed me, I put my hands on him and I shouldn't worry because he would never put his hands on me.
Well this past Friday, we got into a really big argument and I went into my sons room and closed the door and he punched a hole in the door. He backed me up into a corner and was yelling at me and I told him to get the bleep (ok, I said a bad word) out of my face. He choked me so hard that I almost passed out. Then as we continued to argue he pushed me to the ground and then dragged me across the house by my hair. I told him it was over, so he said he wanted one last you know what since it was over and ripped my jeans and underware off. He never did it and then once he calmed down told me He shouldn't have allowed me to get him that angry. And said it wasnt just me, but a lot of stress from the job and he was 110% wrong and it will never happen again. He now wants to try and work on our marriage.
My concern is that everything I've read on domestic violence is that it just gets worse. Do I risk further danger if I get him angry again?
I wrote him a letter about this and he says that I've been abusing him emotionally the whole 3 years we've been together, talking to him like he is a child, looking down on him and not respecting him, so he can say I've abused him for years, and now he is demanding respect.
This whole argument stemmed from me not making him dinner when he got home from work on Monday, when he was really hungry and on Wednesday.
My daughter has been acting very upset since Saturday and I fear our argument woke her up Friday night and she saw/heard what happened. She is 4 years old. My son is 11 months old. My husband says he doesn't want to miss their growing up and when there is a separation the father is always seen as the bad guy and he doesnt want that to happen with them because he is now understanding that his father wasn't as bad as his mother portrayed him.
I'm sorry I just poured out my life story to you instead of offering help. I am still trying to work on what I am going to do with my situation. I will pray for you on this end as I am praying about my situation.
Take Care
While I am new to this community, and far from an expert..one thing I've learned, that pushed the final nail in the coffin w/ separating myself from my relationship is you should NEVER be afraid to speak your mind, make him mad..I was to the point I was scared my phone would ring when he was at my house...anything set him off, no rhyme or reason.
firas2004 - is it really the absolutely first time he's ever been physical? I'm not sure how to answer, because I don't want to condone his actions. When I was married (not the DV relationship) we were under tremendous stress, emotionally and financially- unhappy, arguing constantly..one day my husband scared me, only because I didn't expect him to be coming up the steps..no other reason. Instinctively, I slapped/punched and landed on his nose and from pain, etc I guess, he punched a hole in the wall. That was a one time incident. We divorced, for other reasons, and have been apart a good 8 years and I only *wish* I was w/ someone w/ his demeanor..so I guess what I'm tryin to say, is perhaps it is isolated, not OK, but the stressed of everything...? But if it is that bad, perhaps you should seek some help..counseling..?
smayer2004 - Hands Down Abuse. Oh man. Start the process of leaving. Can you go back to your home state? Is there anyone you can turn to in your current area? From the sound of your post, it started quickly and has escalated rapidly...very dangerous.
I recently found this forum and it is awesome. Reading through posts, you will be amazed at the similarities of your story to others. I've been in this hell a good 3 years and have been promised change..even 2 incarcerations later..the physical died down, but the emotional/mental escalated. I now hate my life. I've read several times on the board that chance of change is about 1%- and even for that, serious, constant, long term counseling.
Keep posting. Get support. It helps us stay strong. There are some very courageous, marvelous women on this board to help you.