Domestic Abuse and the Holiday Season

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Domestic Abuse and the Holiday Season
9
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 4:56pm

It���s amazing how many people have already brought this up in their posts, which is why I’m tossing something out for everyone here.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:52pm

I just wanted to thank you for this post. It really hit home with me, as I'm sure it did everyone here. I have been dreading next week since I found out H family would all be joining us at our home this year. Actually, I've dreaded the holidays for quite some time. It's hard to remember when they were happy. Way back in the beginning I guess, before the accusations of buying gifts that weren't thoughtful enough or not what he wanted because I never pay attention to what he wants. And before we started spending every Thanksgiving with his family out east. It would never fail, I would always be doing something wrong, helping with dinner when I should have been watching the kids or vice versa. He'd be upset because no one ever pays attention to what he wants, everyone gets their way except for him, etc. and he'd take it all out on me. I expect nothing less from next week, except this year I'm not going to take it. If he gives me the silent treatment, I refuse to ask what's wrong. I refuse to spend the whole time making sure he's ok, that he's getting enough attention and that he's being catered to. Forget it, I'm so sick of it and I actually hope that his mom or sister finally take notice. His sister already knows what's going on and that I can't take much more. I'm ready to tell her that I want out. Thankfully I can trust her. She always says to me, I love my brother but I know him and I couldn't live with him. She's been a great help, thank God.

Anyway, it was good to see this post. Makes me feel less alone in the holiday suffering. Thanks again.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:30pm
Thanks, Blue.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 10:27pm
As a reminder to everyone who reads this, it was two years ago this month that myabuser contacted me after my finally getting the courage up to leave him for good.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 2:19pm

Lisa,

It's good to see you posting. I know exactly how you feel about the holidays. No matter what I ever did to make them special it was not enough. If I started to actually feel happy at any time or even say something about feeling happy I was immediately doused in his self-pity and misery which spoiled any hope of having a good time.

I really hope for you that you can find some time that is safe and that you can do something special for you. Good for you for not catering to him and giving in to his every whim - those things never make them happy anyway and they are such a horrible strain on us. It is always a no win situation - I know whatever way I ever tried to approach a situation I was sure to be wrong. I hope that his mom and his sister can be there for you. You deserve so much more than this.

I will be spending the holidays this year with my family doing what I want - but I'll post more about that later.

Right now, I want you to know that I hear you and hope that the holidays don't have to just be about suffering. Keep posting. You don't have to be alone.

Demeter

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 3:49pm

Demeter,

Thanks for your reply! I'm happy to hear you'll be with your family doing what you want. I hope he's not trying to convince you do otherwise. If he is, be strong!

It is so draining to always be so worried about their reactions and you're right, no matter how hard you try to guess what's going to upset them, you're always wrong. Thankfully I've decided not to worry about it this year, finally. He's acting all nice now (another honeymoon period?) since we kind of had it out this week. I was proud of myself though - normally I end up apologizing to him for things that I shouldn't have to apologize for and this time I made a conscious effort not to. It felt really great.

It was nice to hear from you. By the way, I bought the book that's been recommended on this site - the one by Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I have to keep it here at the office so he doesn't find it but it already seems like it will be so incredibly helpful. I'd recommend it to you and everyone here.

Hang in there and if I don't post in the next week or so, have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 3:50am
I do have to say - this is the first holiday in 9 years that i am NOT dreading. Yes, I am dreading how he will react to not being "with us", or if my dd will be sad her Daddy isnt with us, or if she will remember as *I* lift her to put the star on the tree - that it was always her Daddy who did that, or that i MAY ... just a glimmer ... wish things had been normal & we could have been the family we should have ... but all in all, the thought that i dont have to worry the whole month how he will react around my family, if he will drink too much, if he will be mean to me in front of them, if we will fight & he will make me cry -as he did EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY on our way to my families & if i will be able to hide it all from everyone ... I DONT HAVE TO!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:05pm

Hey girl, haven't been on here in awhile, but, as you said, holiday season is coming up, plus Session, so here we go again......the latest is that while I gave up half my house and property to him when I married him and he had bad credit without much chance of getting those things, he won't let my 19 y.o. DS borrow a hunting rifle to hunt with tonite on our property. DS needs an outlet - he's been working really hard and his girl friend is having alot of problems right now, but "are you kidding" is the response I got when I asked.. I'm so tired of giving and giving and giving, and not getting that much back. I'm sorry, I'm just venting.

One good thing that's happened to me this year is I finally passed all 4 Parts of the Certified Management Accountant exam - I've got my MBA, but this was much MUCH harder! Boy am I glad that's over.....

How have you been/I was wondering if you were still on here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:30pm

Lisa,

I didn't see your response till just now. I'm still going to go see my family - he does not like it but he has not talked me out of it either. And I know when I get back that I do not have to live with him if he is disappointed in me, angry, feeling like he's lost his control, etc. Which is a relief.

Good for you for not apologizing. I always hate doing that - I know that while I certainly can contribute to problems and arguments like any other human being I am not responsible for so many of the crazy things he likes to blame on me. You should not have to worry about how he is feeling all of the time - you deserve to concentrate on how you feel and on being happy yourself. I hope he continues to act nicely to you and that you can relax and enjoy the holiday. I hope you get some time for you to do what you want and need for yourself.

The book sounds good - I'll try to check it out - maybe I can go to my local library tonight. There is another one I want to find - I think the title is Malignant Self-Love and it deals with Narcisstic Personality Disorder and living with someone who has it.

I hope you can hang in there too. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Demeter

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 1:48pm

Hey babe!


I'm roaming here and there, checking in when I can in case Ms. Gonna needs a hand.

CL-Blueliner4