domestic fighting -women

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
domestic fighting -women
2
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 11:01am
Hi everybody,

i'm new to this board, and wanted some advice about what to do about my situation.

I have been married for 15 years, and my husband and I have two daughters aged 16 and 13. A few months ago i found out my husband had been cheating on me, and so moved to my sister's house. my sister has two daughters of her own, and a live-in boyfriend that did not father her daughters. the past few months have been pure hell living with her, but i have nowhere to go right now.

the thing is that our eldest daughters do not get along, and this puts friction between my sister and i over how to raise them. the girls are constantly fighting both verbally and physically, with the faceslap as the dispute settler. I don't think a week has gone by in over four months in our house where one of us has not slapped the other. it started off between the elder girls, spread to the younger girls and now has spread to occuring between my sister and i.

Just the other day my sister got mad at my daughter, and my daughter slapped her, my sister slapped her back, so my sister slapped her again, my daughter slapped her back YET again, and then I stepped in and my sister slapped me, and so I slapped her, and then she slapped me back again before her boyfriend grabbed her hand. This type of thing is a common occurence and happens at least once a week when disagreements don't get resolved. After all the faceslapping it seems everything cools off after a while, and it so remains as a viscious cycle of tension between us, verbal outletting and then

SLAP..... SLAP SLAP.....SLAP.......... SLAP SLAP SLAP separate and don't talk for the rest of the day. UGH - just driving me nuts!

I feel bad for my sister's boyfriend as he must be sick and tired of living with a house full of fighting women and girls. My husband begs me to move back with him, but I can't bear even looking at him, even though he said he hasn't seen the other woman for three months. I don't know whether to believe him. He has shown up here several times, and is upset that my sister and I and our daughters are not getting along, and says all the troubles will go away if me and the girls just move back with him. I can't take it and just tell my sister's boyfriend to make him go away.

I've tried to punish my daughters for slapping, but I think it's both my sisters and my fault. We were raised in a household ourselves where the women unfortunately settled disputes by slapping the other girls face.

Has anyone ever had this situation - know how to stop the cycle of faceslapping?

I don't know what to do about my husband either as I can't conceive of living with him, can't afford to move out on my own, but can't deal with the female faceslapping in our house of six women and one guy constantly trying to break it up.

Any ideas what to do?

Laine.

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 8:24pm
Deepest Hugs Laine and welcome to the boards, you have found a network and community of wonderful people who have been where you are, are now in a similar place and those of who have been free for many years.

My first suggestion is to read all you can on this boards homepage and start to learn and understand the dynamics of domestic violence. You will find there many solid links and articles that can start to help you to heal your life and to hopefully help your daughters through this rough time also.

Secondly I would strongly suggest that you contact a shelter near you, not neccessarily for safe haven although they are there for that, but to use the resources that are there to help you. Most have many resources beyond safe haven such as help finding trained abuse counselors/therapists, financial resources as well as good legal advice. Dealing with only those who are trained in abuse will keep you from getting the wrong advice which only delays your finding a better life.

By starting to learn the dynamics you will start to see just what you can do to regain some sanity and happiness in your life. As hard as it is, you have already made the greatest leap and gotten away from your husband.

From what you've said of your husband, I myself would not trust his promises whether or not he has stopped seeing this other woman as you say. He is trying to use the conflicts of your sister's house to regain his control over you and your daughters. You need to be able to start seeing how he manipulates his stories to his advantage.

While how your family in the past has handled conflicts by slapping each other, it is time to start to find ways of breaking that cycle of pain. I can understand how hard it is at your sister's but also can see that you need to start to find a place for you and your girls so that your relationship with your sister can also start to heal.

If you cannot find local shelters or other civic resources to help you, you can contact the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and ask them for help in locating resources near you.

I hope that you do take some time and start to research our homepage, contact a shelter near you and that you can start to bring this cycle of pain to an end for you, your daughters and hopefully into your family. It is hard but so worth the effort to free yourself and allow peace to come back into your life.

Please continue to ask here, vent here and share here. While you may not always get an immediate response, you will none the less get them. Our CL's and CM's of this board are wonderful, compassionate people who can help you, as well as the rest of us, to let you know that you will never be alone in this again.

Start to learn, the best way to bring sanity and happiness back into your life is by making educated instead of emotional decisions. Learning will be your biggest allie in all this. I also extend an invitation to our Sunday Evening live chat's, the link is also on the homepage. It starts at 7pm EDT and goes till 9pm. You can then ask and share with others here who may be able to answer even more questions while you're online.

Stay true to yourself, stay strong in your resolve

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:51pm

Hi Laine, and welcome -


Buff said it so well, I really can't add anything to it other than agreeing totally with the suggestion of finding a shelter to go to with the girls.

CL-Blueliner4