Domestic violence..need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Domestic violence..need some advice
2
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:39pm
I pretty much want to vent and talk to other people who have gone through the same experiences as me. So if anyone has any words of advice that would be great! For 17 years my mom was married to a terrible guy who abused her physically,emotionally, verbally you name it, he did it. All my life I witnessed it, they divorced when I was 17yrs old. I always ask myself why I never called out for help........If I would of just told one person, I could have helped my mom out so much, rather than watching her get hurt. Fact is, I was scared for my life too, I wasnt his real daughter. So when things would get heated between them it would get taken out on me to, not physically but mentally. I thought if I told he would find out and he would hurt me and my sisters, I was deathly afraid of this man and still am. Till this day I wonder what could of happened if I would of spoke up. Iam 24 years old now and still have bad dreams that replay fights my parents had,like it was yesterday! My sisters are now 14yrs and 17yrs. Needless to say we are a pretty dysfunctional group of girls! We all have anger problems from watching my parents fight and scream at each other. I will admit there have been a few times I hit my b/f of 6yrs and not understood why! I havent done that in a while, I was put on medication. No matter what it was not right and just shows that growing up around violence hurts you in the long run. My 17yr old sister is dating a guy who hits her all the time (but only when he drinks,she says) she wont leave him. Now she is 4 months pregnant! I dont know how many times I have gone to pick her up after a fight they have had, to find her black and blue. She fights back and acts like it is okay and normal! This is not normal! I dont know what to do about her, she wont listen to anyone! Everyone keeps telling me it will take something really bad happening for her to finally leave. Here Iam again feeling helpless.......why cant I help her? Why is she repeating the cycle?? I wish I could have grown up with a normal life, but cant change the past, right? So Iam now volunteering my time for a Crisis hotline, it feels great to be able to help others! I also work with children and recently one of the families had a case of doemstic violence and the poor little boy was in the middle of his mom getting beat yelling at his dad that they were a family and were supposed to stay together forever. It broke my heart, because I know exactly what that child is going through. So everyday I make it a point to give him a great big hug and let him know that he can tell me anything cause we have a bond that not all the other children and I have. As far as my b/f and I go we are doing great, he is always there for me and excepts me for who Iam and helps me when Im having bad days. Sorry I wrote so much, I have a whole lot more to say but I would need a lot of time! If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with the emotional side affects of growing up in a violent home that would be great! Also, how can I talk some sense into my little sisters head?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:49am

Hi Mavs Fan, and welcome -


There's two separate issues at work here, so I'll try and take care of them one at a time:


Abuse as you know has severe and profound effects and there are many here who think that just by getting away from the one abuser means that the cycle is broken.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:13pm


Thankyou so much for your advice! I know we could all use a little counseling, I think Im the only one willing to go. You are right about my sisiter, anything I say is confrontational.........She doesnt realize I care. I will get to the bottom of this, I will!! Thankyou for your help, and yes I will keep you updated.