Dominican/Hispanic machismo- HELP!
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| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:46am |
I need some advice from anyone who can help me.
I've been dating this great great guy (who happens to be Dominican- I am white) for a little over a month and everything between us has been going very well. I know his views on relationships are a little more traditional than other guys I have dated. He can be macho (he calls it machismo- and says it gets a bad wrap in the US because it is misunderstood as mistreating women). He makes me laugh everyday and shows lots of affection in public and at home. He tells me all the time that I am beautiful and appreciates little things that I do for him. He has been 100% respectful of me (although he can be a little on the pushy side when it comes to our intimate behavior).
The problem is he recently told me that he had been arrested twice for domestic violence when he was 27 (He is now 33- I'm 26). He took a plea bargain and was on probation for two years. He admitted to putting his hands on his girlfriend by keeping her down when she was drunk and trying to hit him, but thats all he says happened.
Is this one of those red flags you read about. He just seems like such a great guy (who has some faults like everyone does) and I really don't want to break up with him for something he didn't do. He tells me that in general he has changed in the past few years (once he found out his mother was sick with breast cancer) and has grown up a lot since that time.
Has anyone dated a man who has been arrested for Domestic violence and found out that he had changed/or that he wasn't violent?
Can anyone give me a better understanding of machismo?
Or does anyone have any advice?

Hi truoc,
First of all - I am no expert, but it IS possible that he is being truthful about the incident with his girlfriend. There are violent women out there too, and unfortunately it may be more difficult for a man to claim self-defence against a female partner, than a female claiming self-defence against a male partner.
But anyway, that "machismo" sound a little worrying. Does that mean he's old fashioned in "courtship", like opening doors for you, picking up the bill, or is it more "woman your place is the kitchen and if you have something to say about that (or anything that I have to say) you're in trouble"? Have you ever seen him angry, has he ever gotten angry at you?
The list of "signs of abuse" is a long one, but I just found this great article, with a list and explanations, (it's quite lengthy) about how to spot an abusive person, I recommend that you have a read : http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157.
Sincerely hope that nothing on this list will ring bells with you :)
I was in a similar situation. I started dating a guy from Spain. The first 3-4 months were perfect, and I thought I had finally found a guy who I could never even imagine arguing with. He was just so sweet, the sweetest ever, and such a gentleman. But that all changed, and he became very cruel. He often took pride in being called a "macho", and he also defended the machismo culture. At first I thought it was just a cultural difference. Yeah, it is, but not one that we should embrace. Later I met his family, and his father was constantly yelling at the mother, even in front of guests. His father is abusive, and soon my boyfriend became abusive.
I never would have expected this. The reason I had to respond to your message is because your boyfriend is defending the idea of machismo. My boyfriend pulled the same line on me. Machismo is not "misunderstood", machismo is a classic excuse for violence. You are right to take that as a red flag. GET OUT NOW! I know it is hard, and you probably won't heed my advice, but think about it. Police do not arrest a man unless there is reason. He was not just holding her down, and even if he was, why was she wanting to hit him in the first place? Had he hit her? You will never know for sure, but I would bet money that he was in the wrong, not the girl. 99.999% percent of the time, it is the man, you know that. There are so many sweet guys in the world, and you sound like a smart girl with a big heart. Open that up to a guy who deserves it, a guy you don't have to wonder about. If you don't have the strength to out and leave the guy yet, at least date others to help you move on. The best way to get over one guy is to move onto the next. Be glad you only wasted a month, and not 3 years, like I did. And like my 7th grade health class taught me, the most successful relationships are ones in which the people come from similar backgrounds. I balked at that all my life, until finally I found, it's true.
Hi Truoc, welcome -
IMO, anyone who has ever been arrested for DV, regardless of their "excuse" is someone to be avoided.
CL-Blueliner4
On a more general note, let's not make this a "women against men" thing.
It is NOT a fact that 99.999% of the time it is men who abuse.
Hi truoc...I would dump this guy and fast before he has the chance to “claim” you as HIS.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
Mama Harmony