Don't know how to let go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Don't know how to let go!
13
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:30pm
This is my first time here and any advice or comments are greatly appreciated. I'm in an abusive relationship (verbal & physical) and I don't know how to let go. I know he isn't the one for me, but I hate being alone and I feel like what if I don't find another. I also feel like it is my fault the way he treats me and so when he tells me I guess I deserve it. We have been dating for almost 3 years now and nothing has changed. We go through our honeymoon periods, but then he goes back to his old ways. He has cheated on me numerous times and yet he won't admit to it. I don't trust him so I'm constantly questioning his whereabouts, etc. I finally got the nerve to leave and wasn't answering his calls, but I caved in and went back. He manipulates me so well and it works. This last time though was the worst that I have ever gotten it. Like I said we had been off and on and well his birthday came around and he wanted me to spend it with him, so i did. I'm not a big drinker and not really a party animal, where as he loves to go out and party, etc. We got into an argument and he stormed out of the bar. His friends and family told me to let me cool off and not to go after him and so I didn't. He told me to go outside but I was soo scared that I didn't. His family and friends wouldn't let me go out either because they know his temper. To make a long story short, he ended getting that night and I got the worst beating ever. He pulled so much hair out that it left bald spots and he cut the rest hair and my clothes and didn't stop beating me until about 3 or 4 hours later. He keyed my car. he flushe my keys down the toilet. He said it was my fault because I didn't listen to him and go outside when he asked. I had to miss 3 days of work because my face and body was so swollen and bruised. Since then he has promised not to do it again, but it did. I'm torn because a part of me does love him and I don't know why. How can I love someone who could do this to me. I guess I just need someone to talk to and seek advice. He tells me that I'm going to regret it the day I leave. I don't know what to do. I've done everything for him, catered to him and have got nothing in return. I know what I need to do, but when I talk to him the words just don't come out. Any advice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:26am
Thanks again to every one who has responded to my post. I need to vent again. First off, I don't trust him and he has never given me a reason to trust him or any reassurances that it is only me. So I know I probably get on his nerves because I do ask him alot of questions and I do alot of snooping around and yes I guess I am always looking for someting because I know it is there. But every time I find something or I think I heard something, he gets soo defensive and turns it around on me and it works. I am not the strong person I thought I was. I had this feeling that he had been keeping another cell phone from me. I just had that feeling because he other phones wouldn't ring as much and certain things weren't adding up. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in the other post, but he does drugs and he takes steriods right now and anyways we went to our team's first basketball game. Of course I didn't want to go because well my hair is messed up and lately I have been wearing like cute bandanas and so I went anyways and he was already messed up on his junk and then the alcohol didn't make it any better. So by the time we got home from the game, I took his clothes off and he passed out on the bed. Well of course my mind said start looking. So I did. His cousin lives with us so I know it was probably bad of me to go snooping in his room, but something told me to go in there. So I did. I found the phone with so many girl's numbers and so many texts from 2 particular girls. I was soo heartbroken. What do these girls have that I don't? Why isn't he just happy with me? Anyways I cried myself to sleep. I put the phone back where I found it and when we woke up the next mornig I confronted him about it. Of course he denied it. I didn't tell him that I had found it. I just told him that I had this feeling he was keeping that phone from me. Well I regret even bringing it up. He hit me a couple of times and then starting hitting me with his baseball cleets. He started saying that until I had hard evidence then to come and tell him. But I was soo scared to mention that I found it and so I left it at that. He then started saying that the reason I started this argument was because I'm the one messing around and that I wanted to pick a fight so that I could go and be with that person. THERE ISN'T ANYONE! And what hurts the most is who would even look at me right now with my hair like this. He was soo ugly with me the rest of the night, ordering me to this and to do that. But I don't understand why I still want him. Why I look at my phone all the time to see if he has called me during the day. Why I worry that if I let go someone else is going to get the best of him and what if he does everything to that girl that I wanted him to do with me. I think maybe if I just don't question him anymore things will get better. Why doesn't he want me? I beat myself up all yesterday wondering what these girls looked like, etc. I feel like I will regret this if I leave, but I don't know why? I just don't understand how someone can be soo cruel and have no heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:45am
Also, like I said in my earlier post how I don't understand why I still want him. I'm not eating right. I've lost soo much weight. I feel like I'm letting myself go. I get these bad anxiety attacks. I have bad palpitations all the time. It seems like they won't go away. I have to force mysel to eat and I LOVE TO EAT or at least I used to. Even after I see myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see I still want him. Any thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:29pm

You haven't posted in a while...are you o.k.? are you in counseling? Abuse turns our heads upside down and our hearts inside out. It's being in a fog that makes thinking so hard. That's one reason it's hard to leave-I know for me I try to think things through but it doesn't make sense. Love is not abuse. What if your sister or good friend told you this stuff? Would you do this to him?

He's a dangerous man. Get in touch with a DV shelter/counseling...my best to you,
Beth

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