don't know if hubby is an abuser. help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
don't know if hubby is an abuser. help!
3
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:19pm
I have read several of the messages on this board but still wonder...could I be abused or is it all in my head or am I making too much of it all? I've beenunhappy for quite a few years (have been married over 20). He's a minister and I've never had to worry about him cheating or doing anything morally wrong but... Everything that happens in life, he blames on others - never himself. According to him, I've never been supportive of him, never helped him, etc...Over the past year, he has become really bad (at least to me). I used to argue back and really lose it but anymore, I sit and try to agree just so he will stop yelling sooner. Several times he's told me to pack up and leave (last week he said this after I disagreed with him - he said I was being disrespectful.) I've always been supportive of him even when I couldn't stand something he did. Yesterday he got so mad over something insignificant he said he wanted to take his belt off and beat me til I couldn't sit down (he was not joking when he said it.) His rage at me was terrible. He's become so controlling and looks for every way he can to keep me from going places (and I rarely go anywhere outside of a five mile radius of my home.) When he buys me something I no it will be brought up later when I don't reciprocate in kind. He never curses and doesn't get into name calling but he treats me like I'm about 5 years old. He's the one who acts like a child though because he refuses to take responsiblity for things (poor little me syndrome.) It's very hard to love someone who you don't respect. I feel like a dog at the end of a tether who would rather choke than be led along. He said what attracted me to him early on was my independent attitude which is now what he hates. The really bad thing is that one of our sone (age 13) takes the brunt of alot of my husbands criticism. He goes for awhile and is fine but then something happens and he erupts. After the episode last week, he told me he loved me but wanted me to stop be so mean (mean meant not sharing his opinion.) He's becoming worse and if it wasn't for our two kids, I would bail out. I can't take not ever knowing when I will say or do something to warrant a lecture or worse.
Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:47pm
Summer4ever1960 -

Well, sounds to me like he is abusive. Anyone who tries to control you and manipulate you is abusive. If they don't understand that you are your own person, they are abusive. You are not an appendage of him, you don't have to agree with everything he says just to keep the peace and end the yelling sooner. He should not be yelling at you. I have been married just one month short of 24 years, lived with him for about 1 year before we were married and went together for about a year before we lived together, so I too have a long history. Even as I sit here typing this to you my dh (darling, dense, dumb husband) is calling to me to come to bed. He will soon begin to attempt to make me feel bad because I'm not in there with him. Ah - sucks to be me.

But really, continue reading, check out the articles from the home page here, type in emotional abuse at any search screen. Go to the library, read books, Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that is a good one, Patricia Evans is another great author. Post here, read here and learn here. The people on this board are fantastic, extremely supportive and very validating.

You are in a tough spot, I know. I only realized in the last couple of years what was "wrong" with my marriage. Although I am still here now, I hope to figure out how to be out of it sooner rather than later. My life is still moving on and I really want to enjoy it more than I am now. Hang in there, and read, learn and trust your instincts, if it feels funny and your wondering if it is abuse - it probably is.

Hugs to you,

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:00pm

Hi Summer and welcome

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:51am

Yes, he's an abuser.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou