Don't know where to start......(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Don't know where to start......(long)
7
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 1:22pm

My name is Samantha. I'm 24, married and I have two small children (ages 3 and 20 months). I'm pregnant with #3. I'm a full-time student and I work part-time. I'm also in therapy right now for major depressive disorder, ADD,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 4:53pm
Hi Samantha and welcome. Your therapist is right. You are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. Marriage counseling does not work for abusive relationships. Your husband would have to seek help seperately and the odds of changing are extremely low. Abusers always promise to change but they don't. The only thing abusers change are their tactics which keeps the victims confused and close to home. I know you feel stuck right now and its very frustrating. Alot of times we think its alot easier to just stay with the abuser rather than leave. Its a huge step and its a difficult decision to make. Alot of changes are involved and that is very scary. Many of us have different reasons for staying. You need to be healthy and happy for yourself and your kids. You cannot continue to live your life miserably, there is so much more to life Samantha and you deserve to be happy. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. I'm a nursing student at a psych hospital and i hear many stories like yours. I talked and listened to this lady who was married with two children. She said she had enough with her abusive husband and decided to go to a shelter. She couldn't stay with family because he threatened to kill them. She said the shelter helped her get a place of her own and what really helped her was that she had money saved up from her part time job that husband did not know about. Do you have any money saved up? If you don't it'll be a good idea to start now so that way when you do decide to leave you'll be able to get a place. There are some helpful books out there that can help you with your situation. The more you know about abusive relationships the better. Some good books are "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel. There are also some books by Patricia Evans. Also i was just told about "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes. The lady i talked to said she wanted to get out of her abusive relationship and that she came across this book in the library. She said this book opened her eyes and it was her lifesaver. She explained something about trauma-bonding and what keeps us from leaving the abuser. This board has been very helpful and supportive for me and many others here. Keep posting here and keep up with your therapy. You sound like you have a very supportive therapist. Many hugs, Tia.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 9:06pm
What Tia told you is great advice.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:43am

Welcome Sam,

You are starting at the right place, believe me, HERE. I wish I had such help 30 years ago. You are never to old to learn (58) what we are involved in ABUSE, I gave it a name in 95, and too young to put up with it. I wasted 30 years putting up with how I was treated and I divorced him and he still doesn't get it. Don't you do the same. Be safe and take care of you and your babies, my son is 29 and what made my life worth living.

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:36pm

Samantha, you ARE abused ... verbally, emotionally & sexually. Its hard sometimes to realize it when you are in the midst of it. The women here have been thru & have come out the otherside.


Is there a Womens Resource center or DV shelter near you? They have NON-TRACEBALE help you can access. It is usually free & i really think you need to see what your options are. You are so young & have a whoel LIFE ahead of you.


Please stick around here as well, there are great women here w/ wonderful ideas & support, xo

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:10pm

Hi Sam, welcome -


I can't add much more than what the girls already gave you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:26pm
This is how I see it. I will be honest. According to his thinking, he is there to provide the money. You are there to keep the house clean, shop, prepare meals, take care of the kids all the time, be available for sex whenever he feels like it. He can go out any time he wants and do anything he wants, you are expected to take care of the house and the kids in his absence and be prepared for his return with a clean house, taken care of children, a meal cooked and sex on demand when he says so. He will never be a partner,because that's not what he wants out of marriage. If you are looking for a partner that is some one to help around the house and help with the kids and be supportive emotionally, you need to leave him. If you are willing to be financially taken care in exchange for doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, child rearing, sex on demand, occasional verbal abuse, then stay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:38pm

Sam, I just wanted to let you know how glad I am to see you here! This is the right place for you. Huge hugs, Sam!

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"