Don't know where to turn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Don't know where to turn
4
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 5:35pm
I am desperaately reaching out for help here because I am afraid to tell anyone the truth of what is happening in my life. I recently married (April) a man I thought was a dream come true. He was sweet and funny and helpful and caring...... everything. I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and have had some pretty bad episodes over he last couple months, and am adjusting my medication accordingly. My husband is not the man I married. He is sullen, and bitter, and always angry, and completely intolerant of faults in others. When I get upset with him, he attacks me. He has physically attacked me several times. I will be sitting down, or walking by, and saying something he doesn't like and he jumps up and grabs me, and starts hitting. Last night he had me face down on the couch, my arms twisted behind me, sitting on me, and punching me in the hand and arm. He also punched me in the forhead. This is only one of many episodes. I have to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises, and I am in constant pain. He says if I would just shut up he wouldn't have to hit me. He also holds me hostage in the house and will not let me leave. He takes the car keys and my cell phone - he has broken 2 of them so I cannot call anyone. I live in a very small community and I am terrified to let anyone know what's happening, because word gets around fast, and I am completely humiliated and devestated this is happening. He does nothing to sustain the household, all his money is his, and I am paying all the bills. He has his family believing I am a horrible creature, that all the trouble is my fault, and lies about hitting me - He is the one who brought his family into it - they approached me with what was wrong and when I told them, he lied and told them I said horrible things about them. I am totally alone and have no-one to confide in. I'm scared, and don't want to go home, but have no-where else to go. I'm afraid to go to the police because he will get out and come after me. Iam even more devestated because I have been in a relationship like this before, and I swore it would never happen agin. There must be something terribly wrong with me that I keep inviting this in my life. Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 7:10pm

Hi Kat.

Welcome to the board. You have came to the right place. Now your husband sounds very dangerous to me. If you are at home when you are typing this you need to delete your history and cookies. I do not want him to find record of you visiting this website.

I am guessing that you don't work because he has taken the car keys away from you? Do you have any family or friends in the town you live in? I grew up in a small town so I know what happens in small towns. I wish it wasn't that easy for gossip to spread, but it goes thru the grapevine fast in small towns.

My opinion is that his family will defend him no matter what and believe anything he says. My abuser's mom called me to meet her for cofee when me and X were broken up. She pretty much said that my X's dad verbally abuses her and she has just gotten used to it by now. That is the way he is and won't change. That is fine, but I am not going to live my life walking around worrying about what I do or say. I deserve so much more than that.

There is nothing wrong with you for falling in love with a caring, funny, sweet guy. He is the one that put on a show to get you wrapped around his finger, and it worked. But there is nothing wrong with that. It happens to so many women. It happend to me and it happened out of nowhere. Before you know it the man you fell in love with is totally transformed.

Have you gone to the police yet to make a complain about your husband? I am not from the states, but check out your state laws. I would also suggest making a phone call to the domestic abuse hotline... only when your husband is not around.

I am worried about you. You need to leave him soon. He is very dangerous and I am worried that it will just get worse and worse. I do not want to scare you, but I think you already know the danger that you are in. Do you have any children with him?

Pleae keep posting. Have you checked out the board website yet? There is a lot of info on there. Here you go: http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Keep posting... Just believe in yourself. You will get enough strength and courage to get away from this man. You deserve so much better no matter what he might say.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 11:27pm
*hugs* I definitely understand where you are coming from, as I married my prince charming that turned into an ugly toad...and there is ntohing wrong with you...he played a role to lure you in so he feels power over you, to have you "trapped"...i also had a previous experience dating that was abusive and swore "never agian" but when people hide it, you cant see it. you definitely need to get away from him, and dont worry about it coming out in a small community...i worried about that as well but it turned out i had more support than ppl who looked down on me and in the end i said "screw em" i dont need ppl who have no idea what i went through judging me. you deserve so much more than that and no matter how embarassed you may feel right now, when you get away you will see that you are a wonderful person who deserves to be loved. and you need to get healthy on your own, and treat your disorder in a healthy environment which your husband is not providing. but you have definitely come to the right place...this group has been a great sounding board for me and i have drawn on other ppl's strength here to leave my husband and move on from him...just remember we are here to talk to, either on the message board or on msn and i suggest reading the community board posted by our CL...it has great things to read that truly make you see what you are involved in and you will realize you are never EVER alone..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 9:17am

He has you completely under his control, and brainwashed. I'm so sorry! You need to get away from him immediately...if you don't have the funds to get your own place, work with family/friends to stay with one of them in the meantime.

I used to take up with the same type of man too. After the second bad marriage, I started counseling to find out why I attracted the worst type of men. It was the best thing I had ever done in my life. I learned to understand what in my childhood was the catalyst for me not having self-confidence and self-esteem....and why I was not able to affirm myself. I'm still growing and learning, and will do so for the rest of my life.

Please protect yourself, you ARE a good person who DESERVES the best that life has to offer. I thought I could do it on my own, but I couldn't and needed the help and guidance of a professional counselor to show me the way and hand me the tools.

Callie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 3:44pm

Call the police. They will protect you even if he does try to come after you, and if he is like most of these creeps he will not feel so big when he's up against armed men.

Another thing you can do, and I really hope you do so soon, is call the national DV hotline. It is linked through our board website, which I see that someone has kindly provided the URL for. Please act soon and take care- he sounds dangerous.

I had another idea, too- the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (www.nami.org) may be able to help, with finding advocates and with people not believing you. People with mental illness experience abuse at higher rates than others- it's just because abusers like to prey on people with disabilities, not because of any character flaw or whatever. NAMI may have some ideas also.

Again, please, please take care, and keep us posted. Mental illness and living with an abuser is a hard, hard mix.

Erin, bipolar also

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