Don't know why.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Don't know why.....
16
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 3:10pm

I don't know why I can't let go of the guilt that I want to be happy. I collapsed and talked to the stbx on the phone today. I knew it was a bad idea and as soon as we started into the same circle of conversation I realized what a mistake it was.

He asked again why I couldn't give him another chance. He said that he had changed and that I had opened his eyes. I told him that people should not wait to change after the other one leaves. He said that he has opened up to people at work. I told him that he never had a problem with that (emotional affair with a girl he worked with). I then asked him if he had told anyone what he is going through and he said no. I said then, you have not opened up.

He wants me to come back and give him another chance. I can't. I told him that I could not be a wife to him and that there was too much resentment. Why could he not change when I was sobbing so hard and asking him to stop doing things or why he couldn't show me a little affection. On the phone I would mention something that he had done or not done and he wouldn't even answer.

Why?

Why do I insist on having answers? They won't be good enough. I just fear that what if he has changed? It really doesn't matter, because I don't want to be with him. But, why am I so worried about his well being? Ugh!

I know I have went on and on, but I needed to get this out and see if anyone had any encouragements to send my way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 3:29pm

HI Confused! Getting into the questioning stages with him starts the negotiation which all requires contact. You've got to limit the contact. What was the purpose of contacting him today? Did you call him? Were you lonely, were you looking for answers?

So let's say he did change (just for hypothetical reason - I don't think he did this soon, if that's even possible). What would it matter? I mean there is such a thing as too little, too late. And you don't even want him. Emotional abuse (as well as other abuses) kill the love. They are relationship killers.

I hope my ex got better. In fact I wished him well and gave him the number of a therapist. I hope he did learn how to fix himself - but it won't make any difference for me because I was done with him. Did I wonder what if he really changed and I made a mistake on leaving him? Hmm, maybe for a split second, but I also felt deep in my heart that he could never be the man I finally realized that I wanted. I would be settling BIG TIME if I went back to him even if he stopped the abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 5:11pm

Hi;

I so agree with Sienna and she has some great advice for you. Please heed the advice.

You need to have no contact at all with

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 10:19pm

Yes, he also has some characteristics that I do not like. I did leave and went to my sister's house for a family dinner for Mother's Day. It should tell me something when no one in my family misses him. They all talk about all the positives about me leaving.

Sienna and Freeatlast you are both right. I think it is part of the brainwashing too. I am never going to get answers no matter how much I think I need them. Even then, would I really believe him? Probably not.

He is just so determined that I am coming back. He even asked again to meet him tonight. I didn't, of course. I don't know what it is. I just get so down on the weekends. But, I will take the advice and when I get an urge or a lonely feeling I will get up and take a walk or call a friend.

Thank

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 11:14pm

Hi;

I know that you feel bad and are hurting .. and its not easy getting away from an abuser. I think its because they are so clever in keeping us doubting ourselves. They are charming and know how what to say and what to do to try and make us stay or return.

The statistic for women going back for an abuser is high and that is why you must read those articles and books on what happens

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 12:28am

He is a grown man, and he doesn't need you to survive in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 11:41am

I am reading some additional books. I am going to pick up "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward after work today. I can't seem to focus on anything but research "reasons" for what I am dealing with and how I am feeling.

I have gotten so many affirmations that the things he did were not right. A friend of my sister's, who I had just met, asked my sister later that night if I had ever been abused. Come to find out, they are head of a neurology department at a local hospital and said that I showed signs of it. That hit me like a brick wall.

Even my counselor tells me everytime that I am not crazy and that I did the right thing for myself and that mostly likely the stbx is just checking off things he knows he needs to say to me.

I read about financial abuse, which I believe I was a part of. I never knew how much money we had in the bank account. If I went to the store for groceries, etc., I would have to leave the receipt out for him to record it. If I got money out of the ATM, I felt that I could only get $20 out for the week. If I got more he would ask why I was spending so much and was I going out at lunch. It is hard to accept this though, since he never told me that I couldn't buy clothes, but I knew I couldn't buy anything more than that and I usually bought stuff on sale or clearance.

Sexual abuse: It would always be his way or he would sulk or say that I just didn't want to and wanted to get it over with. He would ask me to do things that I didn't want to do. Is that abuse?

Oh, I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't want to go back, but I don't know what I am feeling. Do I miss the familiarity? I am worried about our house selling. The market is so bad right now that we won't get a lot, but as long as we have it I am having to pay 1/2 the mortgage and I can't get a place of my own until I can stop paying that.

I know I need to stay busy, but it is so hard to get my mind off of it. I have been told to stop dwelling on it. That is not possible. I just can't be with him, but want him to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 12:15pm

Hi;

I know how you feel. All that you are experiencing

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 12:19pm
Ok..I have been reading your posts for a while. You are not doing what is asked which is maintain NO contact. I think you are not ready to move on. I dont think anyone can help you if you do not keep doing what is asked. Sorry if I sound harsh..but it is same with me. People have told me to take the step and I am paralyzed. You have taken the step, have no kids but I think you are "emotionally dependent" on him. Money/house worries are valid but peace is priceless. Those other things can sort itself out. You are also not hearing from us who say leave now while you have no kids. I think you should look at yourself why you want to be giving him a second chance?
If you feel so bad for him, nothing we say will change you. So do what you think you want to do. Everyone is ready on their own terms.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 3:59pm

I appreciate the advice and help that I have received on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 5:21pm

Are you in the house then?

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