up, down, up, down, tired of it
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| Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:24pm |
Okay, I'm here again crying on everyone's shoulders....... Last week after I got the realtor over here, told him I was putting the house up for sale, and actually followed through with it, he told me he would be willing to go to counseling again. So, I told him that I wanted him to choose the counselor and place, knowing that otherwise, I would be accused of manipulating the counselor. He continues to act as though nothing is wrong, raged last night, today was fine. We just got into it, him telling me that I can argue anything just because I have a 4 year degree and he doesn't. I told him I am sick of this, that I won't put up with it, and he says, "well, then get out" and I told him "I'm trying". Man I wish this house would sell so I could get out of here. I could go stay with my sister, but want that to be my last resort. So, I guess as he says, "it can't be that bad if you are still here". I just want my own place, my own space, my own time to think. I told him that I had contacted an attorney and just need to make a decision. So, I put myself in a bad spot by doing that...
I asked him if he had thought about where he wanted to go to counseling. Of course not, that would take him putting some effort into this. I just need to leave, I know that. I know I need to just pack my son up, regardless of if it will be hard on his friendships and get out of here. Easier said than done I guess...... Thanks for listening to my vent.....

He isn't serious about counseling one ayeoda.
I agree that he isn't serious about counseling or he would have done it by now, I just keep making excuses for him and I have to stop that. It would be so much easier if he would just be nasty all the time, then I wouldn't wonder if there really is any hope. I am forcing myself daily to believe that he will never change.....
The other part of this is that I don't know if it would matter anymore if he did. I think I've allowed him to do too much and I don't know if I could every feel the way I once did about him. I guess that would be the trust factor, I don't trust him anymore. I feel so pathetic and wishy-washy, wish I could feel consistent day to day.
Anyhow, thank you for the words and support. I do not feel you are being harsh at all, I need the honesty that everyone here gives. Thank you......
"It would be so much easier if he would just be nasty all the time, then I wouldn't wonder if there really is any hope."
I wished for that at times while I was making my decision.
I hate feeling dead inside:( Thank you for your kind words and support. I feel horrible sitting here with my H, talking to him, and having to pretend like nothing is wrong. I am just so not that type of person..... But, what's sad about it is I feel horrible for not being my true self to him, because I've learned that I can't, isn't that crazy?
Anyhow, I appreciate everyone on this board for putting up with my rants. I'm going through the motions, even if my heart isn't in it, I have to keep doing it. Thanks again....