dss can take your kids for this s@#$t.
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dss can take your kids for this s@#$t.
| Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:05pm |
you guys, this is really serious stuff, and what i have to say is not encouraging or nice, but in retrospect i wish someone had given me the info. so i feel i have to say something. i know we on this board are all for saying get out and call the police, and i do think that that is the way to go, but that's exactly what i did and it is coming back to bite me, HARD. as you all know, about three weeks ago i went to the police when stbx assaulted me, and pressed criminal charges against him. when i did, i told them the entire truth about the incident, what happened, where it happened, and that my children were in the room. stbx went to jail for assault in the presence of a child, and that is a charge that automaticlly generates a child protective services case. so dss became involved with what's left of my family, and are now attempting to take my children for failure to protect. it's a very long story, complete with lies, changing stories, untrue allegations, and ridiculous threats, but right now i'm afraid to let my kids out of my sight for fear that cps will swoop them. this is so much worse than life with stbx ever was. neither stbx nor i have EVER hurt our kids, and never would, not to mention the fact that i DID protect my kids by putting stbx in jail. i did the absolute best in my power to keep my kids and myself safe, and now i am in a much worse hell. this system is so f-d up, i am being punished for doing the right thing, and there is nothing i can do except fight tooth and nail for my kids.
but i want you guys to listen very carefully: if you have kids, and your kids witness an assault, do NOT tell the police, the judge, or dss that the children were present. i repeat, DO NOT mention that your children were present. dss is not on your side, and they will not help you put your life back together, they will only make things worse. i wish with all my heart that i could go back and do things over, and never say a word about my kids. no matter what a good parent you are, and how badly you may have been trying to do the right thing, once cps has an investigation on you and has evidence that your h/bf assaulted you in the presence your kids, then they have enough to take your kids, whether it was your fault or not. hopefully noone else would have the same response from dss that i have had, but it's not worth the risk. just leave that part out.
but i want you guys to listen very carefully: if you have kids, and your kids witness an assault, do NOT tell the police, the judge, or dss that the children were present. i repeat, DO NOT mention that your children were present. dss is not on your side, and they will not help you put your life back together, they will only make things worse. i wish with all my heart that i could go back and do things over, and never say a word about my kids. no matter what a good parent you are, and how badly you may have been trying to do the right thing, once cps has an investigation on you and has evidence that your h/bf assaulted you in the presence your kids, then they have enough to take your kids, whether it was your fault or not. hopefully noone else would have the same response from dss that i have had, but it's not worth the risk. just leave that part out.
i wish you all the best of luck
clarity

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and yes, i have been documenting and recording every conversation and every lie that has been told. i saw a lawyer yesterday and gave him all the info i have, and he said that at this point, while i have enough info and proof to support a lawsuit in court, i don't have the funds to do so, so my best bet is to continue to cooperate unless they find me guilty of child neglect/endangerment, at which point i am to place my kids with a family member and start suing. only a 2500$ retainer, so suuuure, i've got that in the change jar, lets go for it! lol. they have contacted all my colaterals and found no evidence of impopriety (except on stbx's part) so they don't really have a leg to stand on, but with cps they don't always have to have one.
anyway, thanks again, i'll keep ya'll updated.
clarity
I also never knew about your X coming back and filing charges against you, but I must say that it does make me feel not quite so alone in what I experienced (and still am) with my X. As you know I did decide to file the civil lawsuit against my X, but cannot speak about it in this forum; only to say that, in response to my lawsuit, DX filed a counterclaim which asserted some pretty outrageous things about me and what I had done to HIM. This is off topic and not really pertinent to the discussion at hand, but it does help to know that I am not alone in being accused by my abuser, not just verbally, but in the legal process.
I hope all of your babies are well and I think of you with love always. I do hope you know that I really want to be a positive influence on this board (and in my life, in general) and only posted to reinforce the importance of SHARING the knowledge about what to expect -- especially for those with children, so we do not get involved a process we were not expecting or were unprepared to deal with. I am by no means saying we should advertise this knowledge as a reason to stay; just the contrary. When people know what to expect they can deal, handle and proceed with a greater confidence and understanding. I don't think clarity would have posted in "anger" if she clearly understood what was coming down the pike. There are lots of known topics that we discuss over and over -- i.e. "no contact", "planning in secret", couples counseling not working in the case of DV, gaining knowledge and reading, yes, but I have never before read about "mandatory investigations". Being able to prepare for this (and expecting it) makes all the difference in the world for a Mother looking to protect her children. I DO think that there are steps that need to be taken to insure a Mother is prepared for this -- i.e. record keeping, learning about the system, etc...all the things you mentioned and it just seems so overwheming to learn about it once you're already "in it".
I think Kanga was right on target about the "fairness" (or rather, lack thereof) of all of this. What a horrible system to be instilling the fear of losing children on someone who has just made the life-altering decision to leave their abuser. This is NOT right and our system needs much ratification in order to best support the decision to leave an abuser. Rather than an "investigation", should be "educational assistance" about how to remain away, support groups, resources, etc.. This threat of removal of the children can only cause the adverse effect of causing women to question their decisions, feel betrayed by the system and often run back into the arms of the abuser.
You continue to do amazing work Mizzy...we're always grateful for as much of your time as you're willing to share with us. We love you ALWAYS. ~~~HUGS backatcha!
as for an update, i am meeting with the sw and her supervisor tomorrow afternoon, to discuss the future of my case and also to resolve some of the double talk and half truths that i have received. they won't let me tape record the conversation, which i find disturbing, but hopefully we will get somewhere regardless.
thank you all for your support, and please wish me luck tomorrow. and know that while i may vent here, i'm doing it so i can keep it together when it really matters :)
clarity
I *was* and *am* very concerned about *how many* who come here and read-from those who post-to those who lurk-who may have taken the message as a *cue* to not seek help, due to "what they may have to deal with concerning the Child Protective Service Agency"(whatever it is called where they live-but basically the same Federal organizations here in the US, and Canada has very similiar agencies (But-Canada does amazing things in their country, and I would love to find a way to advocate more to help with this issue-but I think this forum is an excellent one to help pass along information, research, resources, and so much more, to people literally worldwide. In the years I have been involved here, we have *talked* to people from all over the world, and what I have learned has been beyond amazing, helpful, and more, not to mention *exactly what it takes to get the necessary changes in place*). Ok, that is a major run on sentence/paragraph with wayyyy too many () and ** , but I hope *I* am making sense now ;)
I have also "watched" the *panic* that can evolve when something like this is posted (depending on the *current group* of regular/new posters at the time), and yes, if you look through the vast archives, you will see this very issue is and has been discussed over and over. Please excuse my rambling, LOL!! This IS important, for so many reasons!
When you have a forum like this, some members come and go, some stay for long periods and have a greater understanding of the dynamics, and then again, there are issues with this forum, period (From just not being able to relay *everything you want/need to cover in a reply, etc, to so many other factors). Reading long posts can be tedious, and many excellent points may be *missed*, or just *lost* in the overwhelming volume of posts. I find it very hard to just read all the posts and replies lately, due to being still incredibly busy offline, and that bothers me too. Everyone contributes, and we all learn, continually. I think that it is beyond amazing...
I really hope everything goes well for you with your next *visit* with DSS Clarity. We ALL will be there with you, in thought, spirit, and prayer. You *are* doing all the right things, and it will work in your favor, as well as in your children's favor, even though it is beyond frustrating and scary right now. Even though they will not let you tape this meeting, please, keep detailed documentation (along with documenting everything else you can), and know they will too.
Due to the laws and guidelines, I had an *open case* with Social Services for quite a few months (They are required, by federal law to follow up, for a certain period of time, depending on the circumstances). I cooperated, welcomed them into my home, at anytime, was available for *whatever* they asked, and I also asked them for help, suggestions, and resources. As I said before, they became my strongest allies, and testified in court for me, along with helping in other ways. YOU will be the difference, and you posting, learning, seeking help and support will make a tremendous difference for you and your children!
I have also seen quite a *few who have passed through here* who were so "shaken" by Children's Services that they stayed with their abuser, and we have even had a "few" who stayed with their abuser while their children went into foster care, "state custody", etc, while they tried to "protect and support the abuser" at the risk of losing their children permanently....whew! These agencies are bound by law to protect the children, and they are there to help families, who are willing to "work with them" in cases where this is necessary. I could keep rambling on and on, but will stop.
You do make sense, and I do understand, completely what you were saying. I hope you understand why I have responded as I have also.
Ok, stopping ........ for now ;)
HUGS!!!
I posted a long post above to Clarity, and will try to not ramble here too ;)
Yes, we have discussed this, many, many times, throughout the archives. There is SO much in there, over the years this board has been here, but it takes so much time to read through it all, that unfortunately, many "awesome" points are not read.
Just as the awareness, resources, etc, evolves, so does this board, and this is yet another reason why we stress education, information, truly researching ALL you can regarding every facet of this issue. This is also why the homepage was created, to put as much of the huge amount of information/links/resources/etc "close by", not to mention just easier to access all of the information and links that are available. It takes constant updating and more, which is very time consuming (but necessary). I cannot "update the homepage" now, but hope to have time in the near future to "create" a "copy" that is updated regularly.
You are not alone, AT ALL in your situation right now either. My heart really goes out to you, knowing what you're dealing with right now also. Yes, I dealt with counter claims, counter filings, and more, that I could write another book about. I'm here for you as you proceed with this phase too, OK? It is all inter-related, and we all learn by sharing our experiences. Please don't hesitate to contact me, here, email, chat, wherever, if you want to "talk". I will respond, as quickly as I can, as others will too.
I understand your points, completely, and also understand "why" these investigations happen, "why" they are necessary", along with understanding that "some" cases do "fall through the cracks". MANY things are changing, and again, many things are also misunderstood. The threat of removing your children is beyond frightening, but it is also something we ALL have to realize-it CAN happen, and these agencies do have a purpose-to protect the children. For countless women (and men), this has actually helped them to realize just how serious this issue is, just how much children are hurt and impacted, whether direct targets or not...and that is why these agencies exist. This fact, this reinforcement, along with many other facets, in the long run, does help to stop the cycle of abuse, helps families, and "propels" those involved into taking the steps to protect the children, as well as themselves.
YES, many abusers also USE this to further "imtimidate", "threaten" and more.....which is again why I was trying to clarify some things, along with everyone else who responded.
Ok, this is long now too, LOL!
Everyone here does "amazing work" and it truly takes this "group effort" as each person is able to contribute, in any way.
I love you too!! (Everyone ;)
I hope you and your precious babies are doing well Azmommy. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers, always. It's been so amazing to "watch" your progress, and it's always nice to hear how things are going for you. I wish you ALL the best as you proceed with these next steps in your personal journey. I am here with you, for every step, along with all of us here.
HUGEST HUGS!!
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
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