DV Recovery - years have gone by and my ptsd triggers, nightmares and selfblame have popped up again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
DV Recovery - years have gone by and my ptsd triggers, nightmares and selfblame have popped up again
8
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 3:03pm

First off, I am no longer in an abusive relationship. I have been in dv recovery with tons of counseling (I really recommend support groups) for years. I have ptsd and my son has some residual issues. I recently remarried to a wonderful man who has been very understanding, but I have never (until last night) gone into tremendous detail.

Last night, we were discussing my son's speech disorder and when I went on to tell him it was trauma-induced, my dh for the first time ask me for details. i have him some of the lighter things, like constantly being monitored by cameras, my EX abusing our animals in leui of hitting me until I would give in, etc. DH is well aware that I have certain PTSD triggers, and I mentioned a few instances that were the more severe abuse. My DH was very supportive, but then he looked at me and asked "Why were you with him to begin with?" I know he didn't mean it, but it got me in a self-blaming spiral that got worse and worse to the point of me even reverting to being protective of my EX and making excuses for him. It's been YEARS, but I'm still thoroughly screwed up. Will it ever stop?

Also, last night the discussions triggered some horrible nightmares. I woke up screaming once and DH woke me up again later when I was obviously in the midst of a bad one.

When will the past no longer effect me in such a strong way? I'm doing SO much better than I was before, but I feel like I've taken a step backwards and I need to get back into a support group for a bit. I just moved to this area and away from my dv support system. Any suggestions on that front as well?

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I have no idea. I have been out for five years and most days I do fine but sometimes out of the blue things hit me and I feel the same way. I am hoping this isnt something we have to deal with for the rest of our lives!


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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

I found this Link to be helpful to me...

Hope it is of some help to you to.

~hugs~

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

I was faced with similar situation to you.

Some people really don't understand what's it's like to have been in an "Abusive" relationship or what it is like after you have left.

We can and are still affected by it.

I was trying to find a book your new spouse could read to help him understand better what you and your son have been through.

What your ex did is and was not your fault.

I find it always kind of shocks me that we are blamed for having been in an "Abusive" relationship.

Makes me shake my head.

~hugs~

I will keep looking searching for resources for you.


Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Nightangel
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Hi Chipper and welcome to the board.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011

Thank you to everyone who has responded. It is much appreciated, especially for the resources linked to. I'm doing much better. I think the hormally changes along with the past abuse starting when I was pregnant with my son and so the pregnancy itself it acting as a trigger is overwhelming sometimes. I appreciate the arena to vent. My DH is very supportive and is for the most part very understanding. I think most people outside of survivor groups have to tendency to not even realize theyre framing their comments or questions in a victim-blaming way. It was once explained so succsintly to me that it made perfect sense... I didn't leave because I knew with 100% certainty that he would kill me if i did. In those simple terms, I don't think anyone would have made a different choice.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

One thing that has helped me when dealing with people who do not understand is to remember that with most things it is hard to fully understand unless you have been there so those who do no understand have not had to deal with what we had. It is easy to say what you think you would do if you were in someone's shoes but it is not always what you would do if in that spot. So I try and take it with a grain of salt when someone says they never would have put up with half of what I did. There are days that I look back and wonder why I put up with what I did so how can I expect someone who has never had to deal with certain stuff to think they would have put up with it? Sorry if I am not making any sense. I know what I want to say but not sure it is coming out right,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
You're making sense. I definitely understand your point. Thank you!