Easy Way Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Easy Way Out
7
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 9:35am

Hi all. I'm starting to waver about my feelings, and I KNOW that's not good so I figured I'd stop by and get some reinforcement.

So, I HATE the new house. Absolutely HATE it. It's making me very depressed living there because everything is in complete chaos. No one room is actually livable. I don't have a kitchen, the appliances are in boxes, and the kitchen designer doesn't expect my cabinetry to be in for at least another week. I want to take my kids to a hotel for the weekend, but they're actually very happy in the house and don't want to go.

H has been coming to the house to work on it almost every day and doing everything else he can to try to make the situation better. I know the method to his madness (since he hates doing any manual labor and he's not good at it either!) is to spend more time around me in hopes that I'll change my mind.

I feel like I'm in such a lose/lose situation right now. If I don't let him come over the house will remain a big freakin' mess, my depression is getting worse and I'll have to stay in that horrible house alone with the kids, trying to entertain them when we don't even have cable tv and most of their stuff is packed away in boxes that are covered with at least an inch of construction dust OR letting him come over to work and starting to question myself.

As many of my IRL friends have told him, keeping him is the easiest option. Let him live in the house, in a bedroom far away from me and the kids (the house has 15 freakin' rooms afterall), pay all the bills, watch the kids so I can go out sometimes and maintain some civil relationship. The more difficult alternative is to stand firm, make him leave, and sit in the freakin' rubble alone with my kids. Mind you, I'm in no way suggesting reconciliation here - I'm just thinking about letting him live in the house to help me out.

My depression is starting to really kick my butt. Last night I stayed in my office as late as I possibly could. I didn't leave until DD11 called and asked what I was bringing home for dinner. I took a quick order for the McD's drive-thru and left. I brought dinner home and went upstairs and laid on my bed in my old room in a pile of construction dust and cried until I decided to meet a friend for coffee after the kids were asleep. After I left my friend, I drove around and around trying to avoid going home, until about midnight. Then I stood outside on the back deck and smoked cigarettes until I was so tired I thought I would drop. Then I fell asleep on the couch outside of DS's room.

I don't know how long I can hang in like this. Please send me some "stay strong" vibes. I know that I'm complaining so much but I still have it so good. I have a great career and plenty of money, a nanny who doesn't live in but is there when the kids get home from school until they go to bed, and alot of equity in my gigantic new house. Maybe I just need a reality check and should stop whining.

Thanks for listening to this ramble. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: momesq1991
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:25am
This is a big transitioning phase for you right now.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: momesq1991
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:19pm
I imagine it is very difficult to live in a place that is only half finished. It would drive me crazy seeing all of the unfinished things and certainly not a comfy place to come home to. But have you considered just selling it if he gave you the house to do with as you please? You are right, 15 rooms is quite big, especially when it isn't furnished or finished. But perhaps that big of a house would sell for quite a bit and if it turns a profit (assuming no loan) you could take that money and buy a smaller but perfect finished house in a very nice neighborhood. I think you had mentioned that the house was designed for your son's needs in mind? If you made good money off the sale and bought the smaller house, you could possibly have enough extra cash to outfit a new house with the necessary items. But then you may have a situation similar to mine. My house is nice enough, but I couldn't move if I wanted to. The house isn't worth the loan on it and it would cost me to sell. I will have to wait several more years before that turns around. That is perfectly fine with me except for I am very nervous knowing that PAHL knows where I live. If you are not strapped into the house and you can profit from the sale, you might consider just unloading a place that doesn't feel like a home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: momesq1991
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:36pm

Yep- reality check: The MAIN reason you kicked his mean *ss out was he ABUSED YOUR SON. Letting him live in teh house & care for the kids .... with or without sleeping with you - STILL puts your son in danger.


NO WAY. Stay strong. & just b/c you have a good job & money, doesnt mean this isnt hard for you. Money make make it easier logistically for you to make the transition, but it wont do anything for the emotinal issues.


You are smart & you CAN do this. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: momesq1991
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:31am

Hi Mo,

You know you will never get a judgmental or preachy response from me, I understand all too well where you are coming from. Yes, I agree with your IRL friends who say it would be easier to keep your H. Definitely would be, no argument there from me. However, easy is not always best. I, personally, would love to see him go, so you can rebuild your life, as I absolutely have confidence that you can, and make it better than it ever was. My concern with you allowing him to move in, while it would absolutely be easier in the short run, is that we all know it is harder to make a break once the feelings have partially healed. He would at that time, down the road, probably be a model citizen, and tell you ad nauseum how much he has improved, so you can't quite kick him out NOW, can you....I know, lol, I have one like that sleeping in the room down the hall. Yet, the problems remain, in some form, as you know.

If you hate being there, and you want to go to a hotel...then DO it. If you don't want to be there to let him wear your resolve down, then go somewhere else for as long as you need to. Don't let the fact that the kids are happy in the midst of massive construction make you waver, you have to do (for yourself as well as for THEM, what makes you feel good) what you need to. Living like that would be a huge strain if everything else in your life was peachy keen, so do what you need to do, in order to not be swallowed up by the misery and depression.

I know you were (are?) a runner, maybe a nice long run (by yourself!) will help you feel better, and have more clarity. My old college roommate used to always tell me when i was unhappy to go take a run, and then if I was still unhappy, we'd talk. Lol, she was sooo onto me and the way I dealt with stress!

So, I hope something in here helps, I am honestly so very sad that you and your kids are in this situation. I always am thinking good things for you all. Hang in there, and I am so glad that I saw your post and can hopefully help offer some support to you in this difficult time, so post away, there are so many people here that truly care.

Love,
LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: momesq1991
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 9:32am

Thank you all so much for your kind responses. I'm feeling much better today. The electrician finally installed my light fixtures and the painter at least covered the walls on the first floor and that helped me feel more comfortable in the place.

DH did not come over to work last night, but check this out: it was DD11's back to school night. My girlfriends told me that it's pretty much a waste of time because the teachers don't discuss your child and you really just walk from classroom to classroom. I decided to bail on back to school night and go to a women's meeting instead - which helped me tremendously. H went to back-to-school night. It was over at about 9:15 p.m., at which point he apparently felt he was welcome to just stop in at the house. I was in the process of getting the kids in bed when he just barged on in and started telling DD11 all about back-to-school night, whose parents he spoke with, etc. At about 9:45 I made it clear that it was now past the kids' bedtimes and he needed to leave. So he said goodnight to them, and then asked if he could stay and "chat" with me, not about anything in particular, just "chat." DUH? I told him I thought he had nerve just showing up at 9:15 on a school night and disrupting everything, at which point he stomped down the extremely long hallway (probably about 40 feet) to the front door and slammed it behind him. I haven't heard from him since, and he usually calls or texts me every morning just to get an idea of what's up for the day.

Could this man need to be the center of attention any more????? I know he stopped by to make the point to DD11 that HE went to back to school night while her mother (the basketcase) had to go to a support meeting; ergo, he is the "better" parent. And my DS8's back to school night is next Thursday and I've had long-standing plans to attend a seminar on the upcoming changes in the type of law I practice (bankruptcy) so I'm not going to make that one, either.

I saw my therapist yesterday and vented my heart out. She completely supported my decision to take the kids and go to a hotel if I need to. I feel so guilty, you guys, because for me money isn't an issue and as so many of you pointed out, many victims are "stuck" in their homes or shelters because of financial issues. But as you were all also kind enough to point out, the emotional toll is the same regardless of the income. He's driving me freakin' out of my mind trying to look like father of the year.

I also had coffee with a group of my girlfriends yesterday afternoon and vented to them and cried my heart out. I'm very blessed to have wonderful support and tons of friends who are willing to help me and listen to me as much as I need to talk. I did an hour of yoga and meditation last night and it helped alot. I feel more grounded today. So, DD and I have hair appointments at 4:00 this afternoon, and then I'm going to take DD and DS out for dinner. After that, I may arrange to have some of my friends over to check out my new digs. My jacuzzi is operational, maybe I'll take myself a nice soak. It's all looking better today.

Thanks you guys. You're the best. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: momesq1991
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 9:44am
Never hesitate to let out those emotions, it's ok to cry and vent it all out.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: momesq1991
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:57am
Can't your MM support you through this?