The edge of the abyss...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
The edge of the abyss...
2
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:34pm

That's about where I felt like I was teetering last night. Man, I'm having so much trouble dealing with my 10yo DS. I feel like a sandstone cliff being constantly battered by waves. When all of this is over, and I really hope it will be someday, is there going to be anything of me left, or just a pile of tiny pieces?

Monday night was bad. Big fits. Him kicking and hitting and throwing things and refusing to do anything I asked him to do. Me leaning up against the bathroom door while he threw his body against it for 20 minutes. My body aches from all the jolts.

Then Tuesday, we were supposed to go to the store to buy him some new winter boots because we are going ice fishing this weekend. But he needed to eat dinner first. He refused and I said we weren't going to the store until he ate. And he was kicking me under the table and reefing on the dining room chairs. He finally ate.

But then we got home from the store, and the dog had gotten into the garbage for like the 5th time in three days. He was telling me I wasn't going to do anything to her. That I was stupid and didn't know how to teach dogs. Throwing his body at me. Throwing things at my head. I finally carried the dog into the kitchen and spanked her by the garbage can. He kicked me in my bad hip. Things just went downhill from there. He just wouldn't let me be. Wouldn't go to bed. Wouldn't let me get his sisters ready for bed. Ended up knocking the hutch off the top of the computer desk.

Anyway. It ended with me a weeping heap on the floor, teetering closer to falling off the edge than I have ever been. I felt like a cornered animal. Would do anything to just make it all stop.

He needs to be in counseling. There's only two that my insurance/EAP will pay for that list any experience with DV. One already called and said he isn't taking any new patients. Haven't heard from the other one. God. I am so tired today. And so broken. As song from one of my favorite bands mentions, my mind is in tatters. He takes everything from me. I have nothing left for my girls. My job. Myself. I know, intellectually, that things should get better now that my STBX is not with us anymore, but this is just SO awful. I can't divorce my son. I know why he is angry. But I just don't know how much longer I can take his constant barrage of anger and abuse. And I hate for any of my kids to see me in that state of despair. My mind and body can only take so much. My back and shoulder and hip just ache. My head's in a fog.

Just a vent I suppose. I do need to get some work done. Would rather be sleeping though. He kept me up until all hours last night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:41pm
My older one is in counseling, it's at a domestic violence agency, it's all free. They never ask about income and they never ask for payment. There is group counseling for children and individual counseling for children where she goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:20pm

I agree with hope on the counseling.

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