Is this emotional abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Is this emotional abuse?
7
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:13pm

Sorry for the long post; I'm just looking for some validation that it's not my fault and it's emotional abuse somewhat and I have a right to want to leave. I feel like I should be resigned to my fate, that men are not interested in what I have to provide. I've been told I'm attractive (the homecoming queen at my last high school reunion said I looked "gorgeous"), I graduated from one of the best public universities in the country, I love watching NFL and don't get me started on how excited I was when the World Cup was on, yet I love domestic stuff too (knitting, etc.), I love watching Beavis and Butthead but can also cry at commercials (I can be such a sap) and I absolutely love dogs and have no problem playing with kids on their level (I'm just a big kid myself). Yet, since I don't look like a porn star (don't get me started on the crap I've found on the computers and in the house) and don't keep the house looking like a museum, I deserve the silent treatment and the heavy sighs.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him sometimes. I feel like his moods (irritated, etc.) are due to my disorganized self, so I get even more depressed, blaming myself, wondering if I should beg my doctor for Ritalin. I work full time and then some and try to take care of a 3 year old and two hyper dogs, and he travels on business a lot, and I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. He seems to get bent out of shape when the house is a mess, which is usual, and I just feel more and more responsible for his depressed mood. I get depressed despite the meds (Prozac and Wellbutrin together) and like taking naps when DD does, and he said that he felt like he was living with "two toddlers" (in reference to my napping) when I tried for the billionth time to ask him what's wrong, what can be done, etc. That toddler comment REALLY hurt, and I pointed out to him that did he ever think that maybe my behavior is due to how I've been treated, and he said "well, I guess it's just a vicious cycle."

He's the only man I've ever been with and lived with, so I wonder if all men are so uptight about the dishes not being done and the laundry piling up. When I'm home, I want to take DD to the pool or spend time with her, but then that leaves the housework. He can do the housework too, but then I feel guilty about that and get the cold shoulder, heavy sighs and irritated looks from him. He even has given me grief over how I stack DD's books or put away her toys or the dishes. I worry that all men are basically like that and I just have to get that Ritalin and try to organize myself. I even feel guilty when I'm in a good mood and laughing with DD when he's in his normal foul mood. Help, what is normal??? Am I to blame for his depression??

I also have to take high blood pressure medicine, as my BP went up during my 7th month of pregnancy and never went down. Despite losing weight and trying to eat better (plus I play soccer once a week), my blood pressure still doesn't seem to want to come down, but more medicine would probably mean more side effects. Combined with possible side effects from the anti-depressants, I'm a jittery, weak, tired mess sometimes. Yet, I feel like I need even more meds or different meds. Or maybe I need to lose the malignancy (him)! HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:55pm

Okay, from a biological standpoint, one person cannot be responsible for another person's depression.

 

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 4:04pm

Crafty,

Just wanted to let you know that the women on this board are great and you'll get alot of support here. Gonna's response to you is right on. You are definitely the sane one. It is all about control and their control and guilt trips can end up making us feel like the crazy ones! I know all about it. Even though things have been going "better" for me lately, the control is still there. Just a few minutes ago he seemed irritated at me when I called him and I'm sitting here thinking "what did I do wrong?". I literally had to tell myself to knock it off, I didn't do ANYTHING and HE is responsible for whatever bad mood he jumped to within the hour of us not talking to each other. He can go from fine and happy to silent and upset in a few minutes time. It's frustrating as hell but not my fault!! And not yours either, is the point I'm trying to make.

I recognized you from the Betrayed Spouses Board. I know you think your H is cheating. Have you been able to hire that PI yet? I'm still suspicious of mine and the emotional abuse just makes it more confusing, really. I so want to find a "way" out so am I imagining "signs" of cheating or is it just him being a selfish jerk when he stays out all night? I feel your pain, anyway.

Stick around here. Check out the board website. Both will give you insight.

Big {{HUGS}}
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 4:18pm
Thanks! Yes, I meant to say I'm a regular on the BS board. I hired the PI, but he hadn't gotten anything yet, but I'm still waiting on an update. I KNOW he is cheating on me - there are so many red flags, and I think the emotional abuse is more the cause than the symptom - he and his family always think they are entitled to everything. It's just frustrating, wondering if somehow he knew I hired the PI (which I was very careful with in communicating) and "iced" the relationship or is planning on leaving (I hope), as he seems to be acting very strange in somewhat different ways. Still the same jerk, though! His mom is the same way - same subtle things they say that eat into you and make you feel bad. That's why it probably takes a while to realize that - it's not the overt in your face smack you stuff, but it still hurts - just look at how many afternoons I spend sleeping instead of doing what I want because I feel miserable on the weekends. I am in such a better mood usually at work.
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 4:50pm

I hear you on the entitlement. That's what really got me thinking about an affair. If he feels entitled to everything else, why not that? Especially since when I met him he was married, but lied to me and said he was getting divorced. I was very careful to be nothing more than friends until he said his divorce was final but it was all just a big lie anyway. Lying to me about cheating would be no different. He's an expert at it. In fact, we just recently had a conversation about it last weekend. He was implying (again!) that I was cheating on him. (!!) I told him that he shows many more signs of it, such as being gone 2 - 3 evenings a week and sometimes not coming home until the next morning. He of course says he could never do such a thing, especially based on how our relationship started out, blah, blah, blah. But, it means nothing to me at this point. His words mean nothing.

I also found it interesting about your H's mom. I see so many similarities in my H's father. He and my H do the same things, make the same "comments" in the same ways, underhandedly criticize and create guilt all while seeming like these really great, funny, charming men. Makes me ill, the more I see it. What's crazy is my H and his brother will make comments about their father, about how much they don't like those particular things and about instances growing up but H cannot see the same actions and words in himself. Amazing.

Also, I don't know about your H, but mine seems to have suffered consequences for nothing throughout his whole life. His mom always protected him from his father (who probably over-reacted to everything, based on what I know of him now, and how I know his son is with me!) and she admits she shouldn't have. And therefore she feels guilty for how her son has turned out. Ugh. It's a mess. But a mess that they've swept under the rug so to speak, now that they got him married off to me. They can sit there half-way across the country and pretend everything is fine. I'm having a more difficult time doing that however, seeing as I have to live with him.

Sorry for the vent, it kind of came from nowhere! I so hope your PI turns up something concrete you can use. Do you think if he does that you'll use that as the final straw? I hope so. You don't deserve what you're getting. Remember that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 9:42pm
No problem, I hear ya! Since I live in a "fault" state, my IC and some others on the BS board suggested I get evidence before separating, because I just wanted out period before hiring the PI. My IC tries to convince me that he is "just depressed" - when I was really depressed, I didn't shut him out, I needed and welcomed his support! If he's so depressed, why is he dressing and looking better than he did when he was depressed several years ago about his job? I know men tend to get irritated when depressed, but his words and actions have hurt. I have gone from worrying he was going to ask me for a divorce to being resigned that he would ask me for a divorce to hoping he'll ask for a divorce. And when I hear how his mom has said some really hateful things to my sister-in-law and never apologized, just reasoning that she was "entitled to her opinion," I realize he's doing what he's learned. I can't believe some of the things she's said to him, I would never say anything like that to my child. The thought of being married to him for any longer makes me want to stab someone (figuratively, not literally!). Yet I worry I'm supposed to keep trying to get out what's wrong with him, wait for him to get out of his supposed depression for the sake of our daughter. But I'm not convinced he's ever going to undo years of learning from the master, and I'm wondering if his involvement with a co-worker is just the tip of the iceberg, I have this awful feeling that he's up to much more, more than just the excessive porn use - does that beget worse stuff? What nightmare have I gotten myself in to? How did I not see this years ago? Why did I rationalize his behavior??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:21am
OMG, this sounds so much like MY life too!! My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker that started 2 1/2 yrs ago and it has been downhill ever since. he is passive-aggressive so I know all about the underhanded criticism. I have been forced to enlist the help of his mother, even though he got much of his attitude from her. she is controlling and always concerned more about her public image than whether she hurts anyone. he is the same way. but at least MIL can see that H is destroying our marriage and she agrees with me on a lot of things. have to write more tomorrow baby is up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:15am

If you have to ask, it probably is. :(

Like Gonna said, it is not biologically possible for someone to "cause" another person's depression. What is possible is to pressure someone into feeling depressed, which is what HE has done to YOU. You don't need an "excuse" to get out, but if you did, being with someone who made you this miserable would surely be it.

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