Is this emotional abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Is this emotional abuse?
2
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:09pm

I have been with my bf for 5 months, we recently rented a house together.

When we met, he was wonderful, loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, etc. He never pressured me for sex, and 1 month in we made love. It was great, very intense, emotional. He told me he loved me, but I started noticing that after we made love, the affection greatly decreased, he stopped taking me out, kisses became a peck here and there, no real affection or kisses except during sex. Also, no compliments, ever. I tried to break up with him 2 times, explaining to him that I felt unloved, unimportant, due to his lacl of attention. All he wanted to do is watch tv, and my emotional needs were going unmet even after I talked to him repeatedly about them. He would become very distant, cold. He did not express himself verbally to me, nothing about his feelings, never asked me questions, generally did not seem interested in me as a person. Since we have moved in together, he has become very critical, critical of the way I do things, the things I like, feel, want, need. He is always right. When I tried talking to him yesterday, I said I had been depressed, he says You think I have not? I think this is called echoing? He constantly interrupts me when I am talking. He is demeaning to me and my intersts. For example, the other night I was reading and he asked me what it was. I told him my human services book. He asked why. I said because it is interesting. He said, is that going to help us? He was referring there to what he had said earlier, that he wanted me to do things that would help US, not just me. I felt horrible when he said that to me. So invalidated. My dreams are not important to him, and he is dismissive of them. I am goin away to Mississippi to be a volunteer, for Katrina relief for 4 weeks. I told him last night, he is not supportive, asked me again how it would help US, I said it will help me. He said he was not in a position to stop me, so go. I asked him why he would want to stop me. No reply. He will not answer questions. Also, the more I ask for affection, the more he withold it from me. The last several days he refuses to kiss me when he gets home from work. He blatantly avoids me, turns his face or lowers it from me. Last night I asked him why he could not fulfill that simple request. He says he is too busy, too tired, etc. He is demanding. Ex.. My sons cake platter was in the kitchen, he said 3 times will you get rid of this cake pan? He is nit picky, why did you do this? if I leave paper on the counter. It is always, why something, referring to something I did. He is a recovering alcoholic, and I suspect he is drinking again, one reason he refuses to kiss me, and I detected it on his breath. He has been using a ton of breath fresheners, acting real insecure, needy, but also distant and cold. He can be loving and attentive a few days then goes back to witholding, critical remarks, jealous comments, he does not like my friends, makes insulting comments about them, wants to know where I am at all times, does not want me to be gone anywhere for very long. He got mad Sat because my daughter and I went ot store, and were gone 3 hours. I will also say concerning that, my car has not been running for 3 weeks and I have basically been isolated in this house the whole time. Yet he gets mad when I am gone 3 hours. He has never taken me anywhere during these 3 weeks, he is always too tired, too busy, or watching tv.

I am tired of writting, but any comments would be really appreciated

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 6:15pm
It sounds to me like he is abusive. Everyone needs affection from their partner, and refusing to kiss you is hurtful. And, you should be able to do things that YOU enjoy; your whole existence is not to make him happy (BTW, he should be proud you are going to MS, that is such a wonderful thing to do). My H does the time thing you mentioned... he constantly calls me when I am at the store, and I have to rush so he doesn't get mad. He drinks, too... sounds like your BF is drinking again). No one should have to deal with behavior like that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 10:46am
At a minimum, this certainly isn't acceptable behavior for maintaining a relationship. You are fortunate in that you haven't been with him all that long, which will make it that much easier to get out. I would advise that you begin to do so soon. You particularly don't want your son to learn that this is acceptable behavior for a man; you will set him a good example by leaving ASAP.
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