is this emotional abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
is this emotional abuse
9
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:27pm

I need some perspective here and hope someone can help.

This morning, my Husband was playing his computer game and my 2 year old came in and started climbing on him and caused him to spill coffee on the floor and computer. Luckily the coffee wasn't hot. But my husband blew up and yelled at our son, "GD! you made me spill coffee all over! Get out! Go on!". I was furious for my husband cussing and treating our child like a dog. I told my husband to use the towel he had left on the floor last night to clean up a glass of water he himself had spilled. My husband said I didn't have to add the part about him leaving the towel on the floor etc. I was trying to make a point about the fact that he had spilled water, it was only an accident and he should get so upset as to curse at our son. Then I was getting our son ready for daycare, my husband came in and asked me, "Why are you being such an a$$hole?". I said, "Don't call me that", so he changed it to "jerk".

This is not the first time he's called me a name like a$$hole or bi*ch in front of our son. I have never called him a name in front of our child. It is also not the first time he has blown up at our son for causing an accident. A couple of weeks ago, my son wanted a hug and kiss and caused my husband to spill coffee on his suit. He blew up and threw his jacket at the window. Meanwhile, I have been thrown up on, spit up on, pooped on, etc. when I have to be at work, but I don't become enraged.

I've read alot about emotional abuse and I think these are some signs, but he doesn't display all the signs so I'm confused. Does he just have anger management problems or am I just beginning to recogize abuse?

Any help feedback is appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 1:22pm

Once I was having a bath and my ex-fiance came back from work. He came into the bathroom and kissed me but because he leaned forward too close to the water he ruined his tie he bought in Italy and this was the only good quality and expensive tie he had . That scarcely upsetted him and he actually laughed his head off . The other time he found my doggy sleeping on his shirt and he lost his temper so bad that he reduced me into tears. The dog's hair were all over it and it was creased. My dog (who is not around any more cos he passed away from age & just after i left Poland to merry the jerk in the UK) was very well behaved cocker and i loved him. My ex was always jelaous of the attention i gave to pets. No matter that he should have put his shirt on a hanger and hang it in the cupboard instead of throwing it on the floor. Is your husband messy? more important: is he jelaous of the attention you give to your baby? Even if he is a professional bread winner he should be able to clean after himself and take responsibilities when he is at home. He sound like he wants to b a big kid playing computer games how old is he? I am so sorry that you have got full time kindergarden at home. Talk to him about it he is the one who is an as***le from what you said.

Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 2:36pm

Thanks for your reply. The part about having 24 hr kindergarten made me chuckle because yes, that is basically what I have to put up with. It is like having 2 kids instead of one. My H is 34 years old and plays computer games in all his spare time. He is messy and lazy around the house. I am basically a servant and I wish I had someone to cook, clean, shop etc. for me like he does.

I don't think he's necessarily jealous of our son, but it is something I hadn't really considered. I really think he's just a very selfish individual. He doens't contribute much to our relationship. I have commented that if he put as much time and effort into our relationship or parenting, as he puts into playing computer games, we'd be in a much better situation.

He is also very controlling with finances. And he belittles me and my choices. Like puts me down for watching a particular TV show (Sex and the City) or things like that.

Overall I just feel taken for granted and taken advantage of. But the problem is, I'm afraid to leave I guess. I have medical insurance through his job and I make very little money. I don't know if I can support my son and me on just my income which after taxes would be $20,000 a year. I suppose I could look for a better job and start planning to leave at some point in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 4:36pm
I feel for you, I go through the exact same things when my husband is home. He has been deployed for 3 months so I really havent had to deal with it except on the phone. I constantly hear the screaming and hollering and the cussing day in and day out. If something doesnt go his way then he starts hollering and cussing. If we get into a fight about his drinking then he starts calling me names. He has proceeded to throw the remote across the room and smash it on the floor and call me a b#itch infront of my kids. It doesnt happen all the time and sometimes he can be a sweet and generous man but how do you live with a dr jerkl/mrhyde kind of person? He is very insecure and is constantly worrying about everything and NAGS about everything, then the fighting begins. sometimes I just ignore it because it is not worth the fight. anyone out there have any insight on what to do when he comes home in 6 weeks?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 7:01pm
Hi, I am new and I totally understand where you come from. My husband likes to belttle me too and tells me that i would not make it on my own with 2 kids and no skills. I havent worked in 5 years because of the kids. He also tells me that no man would want me with 2 kids. It also proceeds to calling me names and tells me I spend too much money. he has been gone for 3 months( a breath of fresh air most of the time) and we have fought every single day since he has been gone. It is tiring and I am going numb and not ready for him to come home. I wish him no harm, but I am just not ready
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:10pm

I would tend to lump it under emotional abuse. My ex-husband was eerily similar. He accused me of not taking his feelings into consideration when I had to buy a new car. I had totaled my old one and just being out of college had no real money. (We WERE NOT married at this point in time). My parents told me that they would buy me a new car and that I could repay them at 3% simple interest over the next 3 years. I jumped at that chance, went with my dad on Saturday morning and that afternoon came home with a brand new car. The ex went ballistic. How could I make a decision like this without even consulting him? I committed myself to having a car payment for the next 3 years? Was I $#%%^&!! crazy? And, for heaven's sake, I got a standard, not an automatic. Didn't I know he had problems with his leg and he couldn't drive a standard? (HELLO.....this is MY car, not his) And I got a red car...didn't I remember that he has a fear of red cars ever since he was told that he was going to die in a red car? What the #@$$@!(%!! was I thinking? So, like and idiot, on Monday morning I called the dealership and asked if I could trade the red car for a white one. That was a big no, but at least I could tell him I tried. Yeesh. Stuff like this little scenario went on all the time, from me going to water aerobics (I didn't want to spend time with him) and going to lunch with a group of co-workers (I was sleeping with the male ones, obviously). Yep. Mental and emotional abuse, especially when he would say things like "I love you so much, I just get crazy when you aren't with me"; I would die if you ever left me; If you wouldn't do/say such stupid things, I wouldn't get so angry and yell at you.

As harsh as this is going to sound, you really have to be miserable enough to leave. If you aren't miserable enough, you'll stay around trying to "do better" and make things work because "except for his temper (or whatever), he really loves me and we get along great; he's my best friend and I can't imagine life without him". I did that for 11 years. It's hard to leave, but it gets harder and harder to stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:48am
I know exactly what you mean. Everything, as so they think, revolves around them. Everything is about them and they also think that every choice that we make has to do with them. Not true, i have been learning, while he gone, that I am going to do what I what, not what he wants. He wants me to get a job, like I dont do enough already, but then when it comes time for him to take leave or get a day off, then I am supposed to take the time off too so I can spend it with him. I just seem to do anything right, not even breathe. Honestly, he is not my best friend. we have grown so much apart, we are different pages about everything. It has been this way for awhile and the bottom line is that i am not happy. Let me ask you something, are you still married or did you move on and start over?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 5:30pm

I hope this board is still active. This is my first time posting and after reading this, I have to say I have been going through this exact same thing myself. I welcome any and all advice! (PLEASE?!)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and I can honestly say it hasn't always been this way. He is extremely strict with money first of all. He looks at our accounts every day and makes me explain every transaction. He wants to know why I felt the need to spend $5 on lunch, etc. I also have to explain why I get gas so often.
The next thing is jealousy. He is extremely jealous. He will literally call me 5 minutes after I get off work to make sure I'm on the road and if I'm not, I'm having an affair. He plays cards on the internet and if he loses, it's all my fault. I'm bad luck. The last time he lost, he through the remote, picked up and slammed down a small suitcase, hit the wall and screamed at me so loud I had to leave the room, in tears. It was all my fault because he told me to come to bed 45 minutes earlier and I was up doing his laundry and washing the dishes. If I would have come to bed, he wouldn't have lost and it's all my fault that I don't get to be cuddled and loved tonight. I don't clean enough, cook enough or spend enough time with the family... even though I'm not allowed to go out with my friends. If I talk on the phone, it takes time away from him and the kids.

I have stepchildren and one son of my own. He once told me he "resents" my son because I treat him differently than the rest of them. How can you resent your own son? I spend too much time with my baby and he's going to grow up a spoiled brat. He has never bathed him, fed him or put him to bed. He's never taken him to the store without me. I don't leave the house without my son and I feel like a single parent. If he's sick, I stay home with him. I could go on and on. He told me not to long ago that if we get divorced (we do talk about this on a monthly basis) that he will fight me for 50/50 custody.. which means every other week. He said that he's going to start spending more time with him now that he's getting a little older because he can now play with him and he's fun. I'm scared to death that I'll end up having to give my son up for a week at a time to someone who wants custody out of spite and who wants him so that he doesn't look like a bad father. I'm just lost.

I do have some documentation and I'm trying to record things but it's hard. I know I can make it on my own and I have a great support group. My family and friends are ready for me to be happy. Can anyone offer any advice?
Thank you very much!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 7:40pm
Hi, it sounds to me like your husband has MAJOR anger issues and likes to have everything his way or the highway. That is not a relationship that is torture. He is emotionally abusing you and showing the kids how to treat a woman, which I have learned ,that is what has been happening to me for 8 years. A man that has to treat a woman like this is not worth your time. My advice would be for you to get yourself and your son out of there. I know that is easier said than done but I dont think there is a snowballs chance in hell that he could get custody of your son. And you will be better off to find a man that loves you ( and your son) and treats you with the respect and WANTS you to be happy and an equal with him. Not one that blames you for everything that goes wrong in HIS life and smothers you to the point you cant breathe. I hate to say this but it has been a breath of fresh air for the last 3 months while my husband has been gone. And there are alot of decisions I have to make when he gets home. But you need to think what is best for YOU and your son, not him and you need to do what makes you happy. Good luck to you, you deserve to be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:28pm
I think just having an outburst because liquid is spilled is not abusive-especially if it's hot or a large amount-as long as you aren't calling names or screaming for minutes on end, if you just say a few words it's not abuse. But I think everything else that followed him telling your son to leave is abusive.