Is this emotional abuse????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Is this emotional abuse????
4
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:26pm
My BF and I have been together for almost 3 yrs. We have struggled alot through our relationship. I have bipolar II and he isn't really interseted in understanding the illness or how it affects me. I tried several times in our relationship to give him literature to read and he looked at one pamplet and now he won't look at anything else. He said he already read one pamplet and that is all he needs to know. When I am down and not doing good, which is now. My doctor wanted to put me in the hospital but I promised him I wouldn't harm myself so he let me stay home. But my bf doesn't even show support. My car broke down about 3 months ago and it started to have problems about 7 months ago. My bf promised to help me 7 months ago to fix my car. He has yet to do it but keeps promising. He builds me up and then lets me down. Tells me his plan to fix it and he can do it but then time goes by and he doesn't do anything to help me. Don't get me wrong...I know it is not his responsibilty but he is the one who keeps telling me he will help me. He won't even help me with transportation to get to my appointments with therapy and my doctor. My therapist wanted to talk to him on the phone on Tuesday to ask him to please take me to my appointment on Wednesday(yesterday) and he gave me a mean look and I raised my voice and said to him " do you have a problem talking to her" and then he got on the phone with her. He did take me but it was like pulling teeth. I am wondering did he take me for me or so he wouldn't look bad to my therapist.

He also has a problem being close to me sometimes. At first I thought he was having intimacy problems but then he would turn around a few weeks or so later and he would act like we were best friends. Talking about everything, except my concerns about my needs not being met in our relationship. He will also hold back on sex for 2-3 months and then all of a sudden be very much into it. I don't know if this is on purpose or if it isn't. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship believe me I do, but I do enjoy it and making love makes me feel close to him. He will promise me we will make love and then that night...NOTHING. What is that???? This has been like this our whole relationship.

If I try to talk to him about something that he has said or did or didn't do that hurt me he gets defensive and says he is not talking about that right now. Example: I have been having problems with my teen dd and her having trouble with school this past year and mild depression herself. When I would try to talk to him about her he would change the subject and talk about something else. I asked him last week if me talking about my dd bothered him. He said" I am not talking about this, it has been a hot day" I tried to bring it up again and he said don't ask me that again. I feel I can't talk to him about things that involve things he does or doesn't do that hurts me. He makes me feel bad for feeling bad. Is there something wrong with me? Am I expecting too much?

I don't know if this is emotional abuse or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:48pm
Refusing to assist you when you are ill is emotional abuse. The situation you are describing is unlike what I am going through.

Obviously your boyfriend is having a difficult time dealing with your mental illness...I don't know that he is purposely being abusive or if he is just in denial. I know many men who are unable to cope with emotional situations, and they tend to act unintereste when in truth it tears them up inside.

With my fiance, who is bipolar, I often don't want to hear it. I feel consumed by it at times. Even when he feels normal and we have a normal conversation he saturates me with information and it seems like everytime he acts inappropriately, he uses his bipolar disorder as an excuse/explanation.

Does he have children of his own? maybe as far as your daughter goes, he doesn't understand what being a parent is about. It sounds to me like he's trying to avoid situations that he considers to be negative...and therefore is not at all supportive. You may have to look elsewhere for support.

I wish I could help you more...perhaps some of the other ladies would be of more help.

Much love and hugs,

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:43am
Sarah-

Thank you for your response. I have days were my illness doesn't affect me and if it is something I can handle on my own I keep it from my bf because I know it can get overwhelming and frustrating hearing about bipolar all the time. When we are having "normal" conversations I do not bring up bipolar. I myself am trying to not let my bipolar run my hole life, though it is a big part of who I am and I will never be able to change that. Bipolar is a lifetime illness unlike depression alone. I just ask him to understand as much as he can because it is very important for the SO to be able to cope and deal with it the best way for them and the person suffering from the bipolar. I get the feeling he thinks when I have a long break with "normalcy" and then I start having problems it is his fault or that I need him to fix everything. That is not true and I have told him so. I never "expected" him to fix my car but he offered and promised, so it built my hopes up for 7 months, but now I know he can't be trusted on his word. I just need someone to understand that it isn't fun and it is hard on me and having support is always nice...isn't it????

Yes, he has a son who is 13 going on 14. He knows very well what it is like to love a child and how you want the best for them. He just doesn't want to talk to me about MY child. I am seeing I will never get support from him. There is a hole in my heart because I love him and I would have done anything for him, but not now I can't. He has drained me emotionally because he won't do anything for me to give me support so that gives me little to offer back when I am down and overwhelmed.

Thanks Again!

Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 3:47pm
Hi,

I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. It must be hard especially not getting the support that you need from your SO. Personally, I've experienced a lot of the things you've experienced with my now exbf. When you said



That totally reminded me of my exbf. I mean we pretty much talked about everything under the sun and if I did something wrong he was more than willing to tell me about myself but anytime I had conscerns about things he did or said that hurt or bothered me or anytime I wanted to talk about our relationship forget about it. He would also withhold sex from me. To me your SO's behavior is totally abusive just like my ex's. My ex was also a very manipulative person. I think that with your illness you really need to be surrounded by people who are supportive and who really want the best for you.It seems that your SO may be contributing negatively to your problems and you certainly don't need that. I wish that I could give you easy answers to everything but I can't because I don't have them myself. All I can say is be strong and make sure that you're taking care of YOU and YOUR DD.Please recognize that you can't depend on him. You have to do what you need to on your own to make sure your car is working and whatever else you need to do to take care of your illness.. You also have to create a support system outside of him for the sake of you and your DD.In doing this it will make it easier to leave when you need to because you won't be completely dependant upon him. You'll also feel better knowing that you really don't NEED him and you can take care of yourself despite your illness.

Linae

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:55am
firelightshimmer,

One thing I can tell you from personal experience, it sounds like he's making promises constantly and not keeping them. I hate that. It tells me A LOT about a person when they do that. My husband has been doing that.

If your boyfriend loves you, he'll be supportive and help you. Maybe you should find someone else who appreciates your problems and will help you with them. Sounds like he's making life harder for you. Maybe if you fix your car yourself, he'll see you don't need him and either straighten up, or you can find someone who is nice!

catlover66