Is this emotional abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Is this emotional abuse?
9
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 12:45am
On the advice of Dharmagurl, I'm pasting this discussion on this board. After reading a few of the discussions, maybe it should be on this board for some thoughts. I thought "abuse" was a harsh word, but I guess I have been suffering abuse in a sense. Now after another night of him being angry because I spent the day and evening with my co-workers moving our office, I'm sad again. He doesn't yell; he just sulks. I don't want to be home; that's my point. Thoughts from any of you would be appreciated. He's not a monster; he just doesn't get it. So here is my story....

I'm new to these boards and am finding out I'm not alone. It really helps to hear that there are other women in similar situations. I've answered a few post but never have told my story so here it is, and I would appreciate any advice.

I've been married 26 years. I can truly say that the last 22 years have not been marital bliss. My husband was an alcoholic, went to rehab, and hasn't drank (up until a few months ago) for the past 18 years. Now when he drinks, it's only a few here and there. Nothing like before. Of course, he's drinking now because I've turned his life upside down. I told him that I'm not happy. I was honest with him in telling him he's controlling, possessive, jealous, a miser, etc., and I'm basically tired of living this way. I'm 46 and have decided life is too short to be unhappy.

I was a stay-at-home mom for 14 years. I took care of everybody except ME! Last spring I started to have feelings of doubt in life. Then I started walking and lost a lot of weight. Not that I was heavy before, but I became more aware of my appearance. I now dress younger and am more physically fit from working out. I started taking time for MYSELF and have basically quit my other life. My life was consumed by my house and making it look oh so perfect; my husband and doing everything for him; and then my daughter, who I've bent head over hills backwards for only for her to become this monster teenager and treat meet like dirt literally. Sex??? Friends and I joke she was the immaculate conception because he and I don't have sex. I never enjoyed it with him. It was a chore.

I want out of this, but my husband hurts badly when I talk about it, and I have these stupid feelings where I feel bad. Why!?!? Nobody felt bad for me for all these years. As far as I'm concerned, he mentally abused me emotionally. He's never trusted me, and I've done nothing to betray his trust. I'm STILL with him after 26 years. He hates it when I take time for myself. My daughter hates it when I take time for myself. I go to a tanning booth and you would think it was a sin! I've bought new clothes that I look better in and you'd think it was a sin. They want me to be a mom and a wife, and I just want to be me. When I used to work, I would have to lie about going out with friends because my husband never understood. He was always so jealous and never trusted me. He saved money so much that he has me programmed to his point of view. If there was any extra money from his paycheck, I would have to hand it over to him while I pinched pennies and cut coupons. I became frugal, which there is nothing wrong with that, but I haven't lived either. Yes, he LET me go see my friend a few times in New England. And, yes, he LET me go see my family in the south now and then. I've always had to ask for anything like that and, frankly, I'm tired of asking.

My whole problem is I worry about what other people would think if I just would pick up and leave my husband and daughter. He and I have talked and we said we would share jointly with her, but he doesn't want me to leave. I think about what this small town would think of me moving out and not having complete custody of my daughter. She's 14. She's mean and hateful toward me. I'm sorry, but I can't deal with her anymore on a full time basis. Every other week would be just fine for me. I love her and I love him but I just can't live with them anymore. The mental and emotional abuse they put me through I just don't deserve after everything I've done for them. I've had it. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Everybody thinks he's great and she's so nice. They should live with them. And I'm not saying I'm a peach to live with, but I don't deserve what they dish out.

On top of all this madness, I've found somebody that I'm attracted to and he to me, but we will never be because of my situation and who he is. This compounds things more emotionally for me. I think about him 24/7 only because thinking of him is the only thing that makes me happy. I have nothing else to make me happy, and I don't want to let go of this fantasy, although I KNOW I need to because we will never be. We won't even come close. I think if I got out on my own, I'd be happy. I just cry, as I'm doing now, because I'm so unhappy and I'll hurt the people around me.

Discussing this and reading these boards really helps. I know I'm not alone. I'm seeing a counselor, and NO I don't want marriage counseling. I don't want to be married anymore. But I won't be vindictive and seek support from him. I want to be able to live on my own. So I'm working now for financial independence. I just worry how my daughter would feel if I would leave. It doesn't look good when a mother leaves her child, but I would never ever judge another mother for doing it.

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 2:08am

Hi Happy, and welcome -


I'm really glad Dharma asked you to join us.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 8:26am
Thanks for the input. I'll keep my eye out for the other posters names. I neglected to say that when I told my H what he has done to me, he said he would change and realized everything he had done to me and it was wrong. This was two months ago. I don't believe he can and frankly, I don't care if he does. The damage is done. Obviously, after still questioning money issues and what and where I'm going and then sulking, he's not changing. He still complains I'm never home (I don't want to be). He doesn't except responsibility for his actions either as you say. Sometimes he puts the blame on me or my DD, or he whines that "oh it's always my fault". I never blame him for anything. I just try to explain to him what he has done or said to me to put me "in a mood". Now I don't even feel like explaining anything to him because it just leads to an arguement because he doesn't understand. For instance, if I told him about how he sulked or sounded when I wasn't home the other night, he would turn it around and say he can't help it the way he sounds or the way his face reacts. I'm not blind and I'm not deaf. How about this one.....he used to get upset with me when I washed my car. I like my car clean and take care of it. It would piss him off because I was doing that instead of sweeping floors. Now, since he's trying to change, he doesn't say much but the true him slips out still.

As far as the counselor goes, she's wonderful, but I don't know if she specializes in abuse situations. She's never told me to stay though. Matter of fact, she's trying to help me deal with gaining knowledge and "head" information to leave and gives me advice on how to handle when my family wants control and when tempers flair, mine included. And, of course, he doesn't like the counselor. He thinks I'm going through change of life and I'm depressed. He wanted me to go on "happy" pills, and I told him forget it. I know what will make me happy. I just take anti-anxiety meds and smoke too much to be able to deal with this. Last week I was gone for three days and didn't smoke a cigarette! Didn't need to!!

The OM? I try to put that in God's hands. What's meant to be is meant to be, and I sure as hell don't want another relationship. I just really enjoy his friendship although we don't talk much. I won't even see him much in the near future.

My DD is graduating soon and I hate to put her graduation in an uproar by leaving now. She would really hate me for ruining her graduation. I would get an apartment and try to make ends meet. The counselor tells me to leave gradually. I'm not even sure I can afford it, but I can't afford to stay here either.

Thanks so much for caring. I'll check the other boards. I know now I'm not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 8:42am
happy~

Welcome here! I'm glad to see you posted. I just posted to you on the other board...so I won't repeat it (its lengthy).

Oh...the whole "I'll change" business....oh, yeah. BTDT too many times....like you, its like "TOO LATE"...in fact, my h has been a true GEM since I hired a lawyer in March, but I just will NEVER look at him differently and will never be able to be in a true loving relationship with this man. EVER. Now, just to get the balls to leave.

Please get the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft....its a lifesaver.

I hope some of the one's who have been in a marriage for the long term (20+ years) post to you as well....they can offer some very sage words.

big hugs

dharma, who's ALMOST done with school and her cursed paper!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:42am
Thanks to all of you. Got in a big fight again tonight. Daughter hates me and hates us both. We're not suppose to fight around her. Money issues as usual. Then he calls on the phone after her has settled down and wants to know what he can do for me. Write me a check for $5,000 and I'm out of here! He said he never intended to spend all our savings and that's me thinking that. He makes me psycho! I know I'm not a bad person but both H and DD make me feel like that right now. I need balls too and money! I just hugged DD and told her I love her and someday maybe she'll understand. Off to Shelly tomorrow...my therapist...she helps too. Thanks again!

P.S. I don't understand how email works on this board. Help???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:28am

Welcome to the board, makesmehappy.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:31am
O.K., first let me introduce myself. My name is Jackie. I was married (puke) 27 years on 4/23, and I will be 46 this coming September. I look back now and realize that even when we dated he was beginning his 'control' of me. I was never allowed to spend money, I took 100% care of the children while holding down a full-time job. This was while he could buy anything he wanted and stay out anytime he wanted drinking and whatever. I don't know for sure why I thought I could never go through with a divorce. Sometimes I think I was just crazy about him. Other times I think it's because I was so 'brow-beaten' by him that I didn't have the energy or courage to go through with it. Just recently I finally found the strength to do what I had to do.

He has never been a father to the kids. However, recently, he's turned on the 'charm' with them and since they never had that father-figure they are eating it up. There are 4 children, but he's only working on 2 - the other 2 he knows he can't sway. I've had trouble with the other 2 kids he's working on, even though I, like you, was the one who constantly cared for them. I just wish I'd divorced him so much earlier.

You know, they want you to feel guilty. They are selfish and only think of themselves. It's time you made a life for yourself. You sound like me - your entire life has only been about them. I have always felt guilty for doing things for myself, and I shouldn't.

I experience physical, emotional, mental, sexual abuse. I don't think there's anything I haven't experienced from him. Sometimes I wonder how I can have any sanity about me whatsoever.

Don't put off any longer what you want to do. You don't owe anything else to anybody else - especially people who treat you any less than what you deserve to be treated.

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:15pm
Thanks so much to all of you posters for your support. I've been feeling better about this whole situation since I've gotten on here. YOU GUYS are support!!! I should have gotten on here a long time ago then maybe I would have never gotten emotionally involved with the OM. But you know what?!? I've gotten better at that these past two days too, just knowing I can get support by reading these posts. All of our lives seem the same at some point. Especially, you, Jackie. Same years....same age. My husband has been a pretty decent dad though until my DD became a teenager. Then daddy's little girl grew into a monster. That's one of our problems. When she was born, he put me aside and devoted all his time, energy, and attention to her. He admits that now, but it's too late. Sometimes I feel I resent her for that, though I try not to. It's not her fault. Oh yeah, we haven't slept together in 13 years because DD would cry when she was two and it just kept going. Finally when she reached 13, she decided she could sleep on her own. Well, guess what! I surely didn't need him and I got my own bed. I like it too!! This is why I don't need another man. Haven't had one in a long time. But then this OM comes along and gives me this support and attraction attention, and I realized that I wasn't dead! But I don't need him. I just need happiness and friends.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 8:54am
Welcome,

I'm a little slow on getting things done. Ithomer told me about you and I finally got around to reading your post.

I was married 27 years to STBX, aka Wendell. We have two children together. My daughter is 23 and my son is 16. Like your daughter, my daughter treated me the same way...guess where she learned it from? When everything hit the roof, both children were very mean to me. Old Wendell used them mercelessly to hurt me. Prior to him leaving, we went through the whiney routine and as the time goes on that you really start doing things for yourself he will get nasty. They hate to lose that power and control.

As you start reading things and really facing the reality of what is going on in your marriage it's hard to tread backwards.

Good for you for seeing a counselor. Feel free to email me is you have any questions.

Terry

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 7:16am
Welcome to the board Makesmehappy. I, too, would like to introduce myself. I have been married 24 years on 4/24 and I am 46 years old. We have our own little "clique" of long termers!

What you described could easily have been my life. I wondered many times throughout my marriage why I didn't feel happy. I tried to tell my dh (darling husband) that I wasn't happy, no, I did tell him and he did the same thing yours did - sulked, pouted, actually came to my office and sat there and cried. Asked co-workers (we work at the same place) if other men flirted with me or if I flirted with them - oh, the list could go on!

I have been silently accused of more things than I could possibly have done. If I was 5 minutes late from work - "where were you? what took you so long?" What did he think??? I too, wondered if it was abuse. Somehow I was lead to here, I don't even remember exactly how I found this board, I can only say it has been a life saver! I am limited with the time I can access the board so my postings are few and sometimes far behind - but feel free to e-mail if you need.

I saw you asked how to use the e-mail, click on the posters nic (the name in the "from" field at the top of the post) you will be taken to there profile and then you can e-mail them from there.

Keep posting, and reading - anything and everything! Remember - you are not to blame for his actions. You are not responsible for waiting on them hand and foot! (I have 3 kids, a 22 you dd, a 17 yo dd, and an 11 yo ds.) My middle daughter is very much like you describe your daughter. Many times she is mean and nasty in how she talks to me and she doesn't get it.

gotta run, keep posting and reading!

ples