Emotional "Abuse" but I'm Staying!!!!
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Emotional "Abuse" but I'm Staying!!!!
| Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:47pm |
I really dont know if you can classify me in an emotional abusive marraige, but I'll let you decide that. I just dont trully feel "abused".... emotionally drained sometimes, yes, but abused, no. Tell me if I'm wrong bc a cl on another seems to think I'm repeating patterns of getting in "these relationships" and I am allowing my DH to treat me badly etc. I dont know.
It was a whirlwind courtship. We are 24 and 25, been together 2 years and married for almost 1 year. DH began to demonstrate some serious anger "mis"mangament after one year and I kicked him into counseling and anger management. He, off course, has confronted, admitted, and is addressing this issue full force and with dedication... but I still suffer 1-2x every

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I've got a very similar deadline in my head. My H talked to me tonight and we really got into it. He got ticked I used the word "abusive" and said I shouldn't toss "that word" around. My response? "Why? You are abusive. You're abusive. You ARE abusive. You're ABUSIVE!" I'm sure it would've been interesting for an outsider to see. And then we "talked" for an hour or so about the situation. I reminded him of the physical things he's done and pointed out that he's never acknowledged that behavior as abuse. He tried to spin every argument -- "you're exaggerating," "it wasn't quite like that," etc. -- but I was having none of it. I stayed calm but firm. He supposedly has a therapist appointment now, but I won't hold my breath until he's actually there, getting treatment AND showing signs of introspection and improvement. I'm skeptical, and that ticks him off. He says I'm setting him up for failure because I don't believe in him. I said nice try, but I ain't buying it.
And THEN, after this long discussion in which divorce and separation were raised numerous times, he wanted to have sex. When I declined, he said if this is how it's going to be for the next few months, maybe we should just get separated. I said OK, I can leave tomorrow if you like. He said nevermind.
All BS. I really am not hopeful We shall see.
Sorry. Used most of my response to rattle about my night. I'm thinking of you. And I'm very impressed with how hard you're trying to tackle this. Be strong. You deserve better.
A
Translate "emotionally-drained" to ABUSED! You know in your gut that something is wrong, but you can't admit it to yourself just yet. I was that way for YEARS. Please don't let that happen to you, too! You didn't say if you have kids yet. If you don't have kids yet, consider your future with him. It will only get worse with kids. If he is verbally & emotionally abusive to you now, he will surely continue doing it to the kids, too! And then you teach your kids that it's ok to be this way to other people, and they grow up to continue in his footsteps. Is that really what you want to happen? Please keep coming back here, reading & posting. It will be a real eye-opener for you! This board has sure helped me in the past year.
Barbara
Last night it was down to the wire. I got home from work equipped with alot of things i've learned here and the conversations i had with a few counselors during the day about our situation. I was ready to tell him "anger management or no marraige".
It was rough.
i came home and showered and he met me upstairs and calmly asked if i wanted to talk and i said yes. my head was pounding from the headache i got all day so i tend to get real quiet and mumble since noise makes the migraines worse. it wasnt my intention but he got the impression that i was just depressed and ready to give up, since my answers or whatever were given in such a low and slow tone. anyhow.
i told him that i wanted to stop couples counseling and have us both do individual counseling. I would go and see someone about my insecurities, sensitivities and try and figure out why i've allowed myself to continue on like this and it'd please me and save this marraige if he went to anger management.
he had a fit. he yelled a few more times. he said he refused to go to anger management bc its "crap" and even if he DOES go he said i'd find "some" reason to leave him anyway. he was just trying to find EVERY negative aspect of it, every excuse he could find and "predict the future" in a negative way and say "so its not even worth it" etc. he then told me "you asked how much longer is it reasonable for you to allow me to change. well im not going to change. will i yell at you? not as much, but i probably will. thats just how i am" etc etc. and these are the things he said frsutrated him soooooooo much bc these are what HE has changed for me and it isnt "good enough"
1) hiding his porn and magazines so i dont have to see them, 2) buying new furniture instead of saving money , 3) saying he'll never step foot in another strip club again, 4) going to extreme efforts to control his anger, 5) not nit-picking on me about stupid things like the grocery bill or spoiling bananas..... etc
my point to him was... why is he so upset about those changes??? and how is buying furniture a "change"???? and i didnt ask him to STOP watching porn or reading those dumb magazines... i simply asked him to keep them away from me so i didnt have to see it all the time. when i tried to make those points he blew up and began yelling out "IM NOT GOING TO ARGUE SYMANTICS WITH YOU SARA!! THE POINT IS THAT IVE CHANGED AND ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH"
so i tried to explain again that he has not changed who he is, he has simply made marital compromises and THAT is what marraige IS!! i was about to go on about the compromises I've made and explain how i dont think that means I had to change etc... but he interrupted again and got mad andyelled so i stopped.
i asked him if he'd feel better NOT changing and going back to "the person he was" and sweat the small stuff so he can throw a fit over rotten bananas and 89 cents again... since thats just "who he is" and hates to change that then go ahead. im just not going to stick around.
i also told him that he was never like this when we dated for a year... so he actually CHANGED into a hot-tempered and angry person later... therefore i dont think he changed for me bc im asking him not to throw fits all the time. i wanted him to bring out the man i fell in love with.
i think, pretty much, that he was testing me the ENTIRE time we talked about this. he was just FIRM on not going to anger management and he was finding every excuse in the book as to why he's changed and its not good enough, and if he does i'll leave him anyway so its not worth it, then tried to focus on MY therapy and "why are YOU going" etc so i told him and he said well that wont work bc my counselor is just going to tell me to leave him and im just going to "learn assertiveness" or whatever. i think he just wanted to back me into the wall again so i had no choice BUT to put up with his behavior. but every time he said something negative ab the counseling or that he wasnt going id say "so then you want a divorce." and he'd get soooo mad, then test me again and say "yep if thats what you want" trying to make it like I MADE the decision and blame me... but i never backed down.
i finally told him "i know what youre doing. youre finding every excuse in the book so that you dont have to 'change'. but this isnt change and you know it. its compromise and if you have such a problem with compromise, then when this marraige is over, good luck finding another woman who will put up with that. how can you make me all these promises to go to anger management and complete it, read the books, and TELL me you want to change... how can you sit there 500 times and tell me you KNOW you have a problem and want to fix it and that youre sorry... and NOW you are completely the opposite and deny all of that? now youre saying you dont have a problem, theres no point in anger management, you wont go, and you're not sorry. right when we're standing on the line of divorce? youre testing me."
he tried again to pin on me how sensitive i am and said he is sick of me never taking ownership of the problems in our marraige, that i NEVER apologize or take ownership if i do something wrong. that was a 5 minute declaration thinking he had a strong point there. so i repeated a few times that i ALWAYS apologize, even AHEAD of time if i think im in a bad mood... yeah get that... i apologize for being in a bad mood ahead of time JUST INCASE i say something the wrong way or he takes it the wrong way...ive taken ownership of my issues and am getting help for them and i have declared my responsibilities. WHAT ELSE DOES HE WANT. i asked him. how else do you want me to PROVE to you that i've done all those thigns... bc NOW you're saying i dont apologize the "right" way, and that counseling is NOT going to solve the problem only make me leave you when before you INSISTED i go to counseling and ive taken ownership of my problems but now youre saying i have to take ownership of the fact that bc i was raped when i was 15 that is why i got upset about what you did at the bachelor party??? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no. i said ive done it all... ive never gone against you, never hurt you, betrayed you, talked down to you, disrespected you or disappointed you and YOU know that. I've taken ownership of my issues. I've done the research and got pastoral counseling and am now going into independent counseling and i have apologized. i said "When is it going to stop Andy?! When have i done enough to be equal so that YOU will just STOP??? just STOP and say you'll go to counseling. You know you have a problem so why am I getting the stipulations that never end in order for you to jsut stop?"
so i got up and walked away. took his laundry downstairs. fussed in the kitchen for a bit. and he finally said "where is this anger management counselor you found" and i told him he was in annapolis. he began to ask a few questions but i was sooo burnt out from the conversation/argument that i was talking in a low voice again and kinda slow. he asked if they have insurance etc and i said something about it and he broke "sara im trying here. what the f*ck am i trying for if youre just going to talk like a total bi*ch".
i glared at him, put water in the dog's bowl and walked away. closed the door to the guest room and laid down. i threw in the towel. he was JUST coming around. he felt defeated. there was nothing left for him to say. no more excuses. he was defeated. and he was beginning to open up and try. then BAM he lost it again with that comment. i gave up. that was it.
finally he came in and sat on the bed and said "can i try again or do you hate me now".
i was crying, head hurt like hell. at that point i wanted to drop dead. i was soooo tired. mind you, that everything ii've written here is only about a quarter of what was argued and said... and took about an hour.
he finally said "im sorry. im really sorry. i want to do this. can we do this?" and gave me a hug. we hugged for a good amount of time. i just wish i knew if he understood what happened. did he "see the light" did he understand that everything he just said and did in that other room was complete psycho? spinning my words into hateful statements, turning things around on me, insisting he's changed when its really just compromise, did he realize he needs anger management or is he doing this to appease me?
ugh.
i think part of him knows it. and im pretty sure that once he wakes up this morning and things have calmed and blown over, the intelligent person in him will understand and see what he did .
we'll see how that works out.
need prayers.
Heya,
your husband sounds like more of a handful than mine. i mean... mine is just loud, angry and stubborn. i've read a few of your posts. Throwing a shoe at you? Your H sounds like a 4 yr old who didnt get candy at the checkout line.
A
thanks for your replies.
i hope this works out. DH called several counselors yesterday. he said there were only about 3 who specialized in anger management but they didnt take our insurance. so he did talk to one woman who said that deals with anger management only bc so many poeple come to her with other problems and anger turns out to be the underlying issue. so i think he's going to see her. i was surprised he'd feel comfortable going to a woman... but he is. so we'll see.
has your H gone to counseling yet? when did you say his appointment was?
take it easy on the internet shopping this season
Hi, saralydia.
Mama Harmony
we are quitting couples counseling on monday to do seperate counseling. we soon realized that wasnt working, as you said.
DH really does not have control or try to control me. he is short and impatient with everyone. all his freinds and familiy call him "the big tyrant". but he also very loved and adored by everyone bc since he was young they all grew to know him this way but he has so many quality friend-type characteristics. i just happen to be the only he's yelled at bc i honestly do not "allow" him to behave the way he does sometimes. he's never had anyone stand up to him, confront him or get in his face and tell him he's wrong. i do that and it causes us to come to blows, but in NO way am i minimizing the fact that he has a serious behavioral problem and has NO right to speak to me the way he does.
DH called several counselors yesterday and found one that specializes in behavioral/mood disorders. she addresses domestic violence and child abuse as well. he felt she was the better fit for him personally and the issues he had and i agree. she told him it would be a program and not many poeple like it and she will give him assignments to take home, books to read, and things to practice but wants to sit down with him a couple of times first and then also see me once.
i feel good about her.
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