Emotional "Abuse" but I'm Staying!!!!
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Emotional "Abuse" but I'm Staying!!!!
| Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:47pm |
I really dont know if you can classify me in an emotional abusive marraige, but I'll let you decide that. I just dont trully feel "abused".... emotionally drained sometimes, yes, but abused, no. Tell me if I'm wrong bc a cl on another seems to think I'm repeating patterns of getting in "these relationships" and I am allowing my DH to treat me badly etc. I dont know.
It was a whirlwind courtship. We are 24 and 25, been together 2 years and married for almost 1 year. DH began to demonstrate some serious anger "mis"mangament after one year and I kicked him into counseling and anger management. He, off course, has confronted, admitted, and is addressing this issue full force and with dedication... but I still suffer 1-2x every

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if the counseling/anger management doesn work, the next step is divorce.
as i've stated in a previous post... that is my worst fear. I am afraid of myself bc I am absolutely not afraid to leave. Right now i stay bc i hate losing... i hate giving up... failling. I hate having family and freinds who just sent us all these wonderful gifts for our wedding... having just decorated my new beautiful home... and our plans to have a child next year lingers in my head "if he gets help by then...". thats why i stay now...
but to be honest... all of it isnt as important to me as my self esteem, pride and confidence . I just hate being a failure. but im not against the idea of dropping everything and walking out that door and he knows it.
I make an amazing salary on my own, have an amazing career, my own car, furniture etc. I dont worry about those things and "what will i have? where will i go?" i have no concerns about that at all... he knows that too. in fact... if i were to leave him, there's a little something exciting about getting my own place and being on my own again- i loved it back in the day... and i can certainly support myself and then some.
so really... nothing is holding me back but the nagging idea that if our marraige fails- I am a failure... and i truly truly am so much in love with him that that would never change no matter what.
Hi again Sara -
I've been mulling over my response since I read the posts this morning and the main thing that's striking me is how much you sound like me, very rational, you know what you're after, but at the same time you're thinking about the "what if".
CL-Blueliner4
Blueliner,
thanks for your thoughts and replies. good and helpful to my spirit to know im not alone, you know?
I still feel the love and happiness in our marriage but can tell with each yelling episode that part of it dies in me. I'm hanging on to everything i've got. I think about our freinds and their successful relationships and marariges, what would they do, how do they get through it, etc. sometimes that keeps me hanging on too.... the thought that EVERY marraige is hard work, EVERY relationship goes through yelling matches and disagreements and half the time - years down the road- they look back and laugh about how stupid they were to eachother and chalk it up to "newlywed drama". I think to myself... that COULD just be us -him- and if i dont even try I'll be alone in three years killing myself with "what if".
Our marraige isnt over by a long shot... but like i've said- I'm independent, make good money and have my own things, my own career and life and friends and leaving and being alone is NOT what scares me. The scary part is fast forwarding three or four years and contemplating the notion that I will think "I didnt try hard enough"..."i didnt support him enough"...."i didnt push it harder... i didnt give him the chance". it doesnt help that 80% of the men on my side of the family are Lutheran Pastors... and my family seriously frowns upon divorce.
We are both seeing the new counselor individually starting saturday. we're seeing the same person but not together. I am going to tell our counselor that this marraige will NOT survive unless he learns DEEP down and sincerely that he really does have a problem, he has to understand to the fullest extent what his words and anger has done to me and the love and not chalk it up as "she's just too sensitive". I know those arent major things... but if he can atleast reach those two levels, i think there is hope. if not... there really isnt. 1) understand what his problems are and recognize how he inflicts those problems onto our marraige. 2) sincerely understand how/why those problems have effected me and our relationship.
another example, unfortunately, from this weekend. I do all the grocery shopping bc grocery stores test his patience. He cant stand in lines and according to him; every person who works in stores near us are "morons". so anyhow... I have celiac and crohn's disease as well as IBS... so my diet is strict to organic and very limited, which means I have to go to WholeFoods or specialty stores for my stuff.... and since WholeFoods is "so expensive" I then have to go to another regular grocery store for HIS stuff. So yesterday I got up early and cleaned the house got the trash out, vacuumed, threw in some laundary, unloaded the dishwasher etc etc and went off to church. he called later as i was on my way to Whole Foods and said i forgot his list at home but would be going to our freinds house to watch the game etc. I said I'd clal him when i got to the store. I did. His list: jelly, milk, cream cheese, roast beef and american cheese.
Since there were only a few thigns on his list I called and said I'd rather not drive way out of my way to another store to save $5. I said "tell me what you wanted again and I'll just pick it up here" and he said "Sara. No. That store is too expensive, you're not buying it there and they dont even have the cereal i like there." i said "they have honey nut cheerios here and-".... "I DONT WANT CHEERIOS!"... and i said "calm down Andy, i just dont want to drive out of my way to another store just to buy 4 thi--"...."Sara YOU ARE NOT BUYING THE SH*T THERE!" and i replied "andy why are you yelling?" and he said "BC YOU YELLED AT ME"...."no i didnt im standing in the middle of the store, why would i yell"...."YES YOU DID YOU SAID 'ANDY IM NOT DRIVING ALL OVER THE PLACE FOR YOUR FOOD" i said "but i wasnt yelling. there was no reason for you to react the way you did"....Fine" and i hung up.
seriously.... and later he couldnt understand why i was upset. I told him if he can drive to his freinds house to watch the game he could go to the store himself if he really wanted to save that much money. he said fine, but i doubt he will... he'll just end up eating my food which will cause me to have to go to Whole Foods again and buy more which in the end will cost us "more money".
I also want to bring up with the counselor that he needs to call his mother's psychiatrist. if you go to the "Dealing With the In Laws" board, youll see my posts about MIL. She was paralyzed four years ago after an accident and had some brain damage as well. Without going into full detail she has consistently caused DH guilt and heartache ON PURPOSE. mind you her brain doesnt work the way it used to... but im noticing a pattern that every time she calls him at work or at home to complain, push guilt trips or talk about how horrible her life is... he will be very patient, understanding and helpful to her and encourage her etc... but hours after that he is blowing up at me for no apparent reason. how can he handle the situations with his mother constantly calling and saying things like "you never do anything for me. im going to kill myself. when you have children you wont even let me see them. atleast you can walk. after raising you on my own your whole life you cant even simply do this for me?" etc etc... . so he can deal with that okay and be patient with her, but if i ask him not to drink my special milk he goes balistic. she will say some pretty awful and mean things too... and turn his aunts and uncles against him by telling them she's starving for three days bc DH refused to take her to the store- which is untrue... every time DH had NO idea she needed to get to the store. in turn he gets 500 angry calls and voicemails.
we left our poor dog at her house for a couple days and when DH went to pick her up MIL had BUTHCERED her, cut off ALL her hair and bruised her with scissors - have in mind that MIL has NO motor capabilities except in her right hand- our dog was a mess, completely bruised and butchered. Did DH get angry with her? nope. he calmly explained to MIL that it wasnt right what she did and then laughed it off. I, on the other hand, was LIVID.
but if i try and explain that i dont want to drive all over the place for food, he goes bazurko.
i truly want his counselor to see that and hopefully help him recognzie that.
anyhow... ive ranted. i should end this.
our first appointments are on saturda and ill keep you all informed.
Hi Sara-
You have responded to me on another board, and I just wanted to say that your H and my bf are almost the same person. And you and i are alike in many ways as well (successful, driven, do all the errands, etc). It is amazing to me how they can act the way they do one minute (ie, your grocery fight) and then an hour later shower you with attention and tell you how much they love you. My bf the other night, in a fight over $$ that he owed (which he will NEVER admit to, somehow it is ALWAYS my fault when he owes any money to anything, he claims he pays all the bills but ironically our cable was just shut off, he said he must have not paid that one but paid all the others (NOT TRUE!)-I guess if it wasn't for me, he would easily be able to live for free in this world?), said that I was the one with expensive taste and that I was the one who wanted to spend money and he was perfectly content sitting at home watching sports...I told him that he never wanted to do ANYTHING-go to dinner (which we haven't done in about 7 months unless you count picking up a pizza), go out, go to the movies, hike together, etc. I asked where I fit into his equation-which of course he said I was over reacting and that "we weren't getting into this now".....long story short, a fight ensued where I wound up crying, thinking about all things I needed and wanted to say and said nothing so we are back in the "good stage" where he is loving and kind. It drives me crazy because he can't EVER admit when he is wrong.
Anyway, enough about me, but I wanted to let you know that your H and my bf have the same mentality-from calling store workers morons to expecting the most menial stuff from us.
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