Emotional or Sexual Abuse?

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Emotional or Sexual Abuse?
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Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:22am

I've been lurking on this board for the last couple of days. I have come to the conclusion that DH is emotionally abusive and I guess I'm just looking for someone who can relate. I won't go into our LONG history - except to tell you that a few months ago I decided I needed to make some sort of a decision about my marriage. (I also have 2 children, 3 and 20 mos) Leaving my marriage is a decision I've been struggling with for a long time so, I made the decision to have us go to counseling, so I could get an answer as far as if he can change and if the marriage can work and so I know that if it can't work, I tried everything.

We've had 7 counseling sessions, DH has missed 3. In my opinion only 1 absence was valid but anyway, I've begun to learn some things about myself. That I need to keep standing up for myself, that for the most part, I'm not doing anything wrong and that DH's reactions in most situations are issues he has and are things HE needs to work through. Basically, I need to work on getting back to the person I was before I met DH - strong, secure in myself, etc.

The specific issue I have right now is with sex. I am emotionally unattached to DH and have been for a long time. Sex with him, at the very least, means nothing to me and at the most, makes me hate myself. Sex has become something I use to try to pacify him but it's never good enough, basically. His complaint now is that I never let him instigate anything or let him try to satisfy me orally, etc. And, although I try to let him, it is hell - I hate it. I feel like he's violating me in some way. THe worst was when he would come home drunk, start an argument usually about why I won't let him touch me and 2 hours later after he's worn me down - I give in and let him have his way. I had put a stop to that for about a year but recently it started up again and last night was the worst. I had specifically told him I just wanted to go to sleep and said it very nicely, kissed him goodnight, turned off the light. Then it started - "don't worry, I won't try to touch you" and it went on from there. At one point I thought he had finally given up - he apologized for starting anything, then he lays next to me and proceeds to start touching me. I'm laying there letting him when finally I just can't anymore and push him off me. At first he was apologetic but then came the anger and "hurt". So now we're in for round two and it's 12:30 a.m. (My kids get up at 5:30 a.m.) I point out that here he is again, keeping me awake. Twenty minutes later I find myself laying in the same position, with him all over me again but this time I just let him and I cried the whole time (he didn't know, at least I don't think he did). I'm laying there crying and thinking how much I hate myself for giving in again - just so I could get a few hours of sleep.

Can anyone relate to this? I feel so horrible. I can't believe I let him do this again. I'm bringing this up at counseling next week but I could use some support right now. And by the way - DH is acting like nothing is wrong at all - like what happened last night is normal. I hate him and I hate myself.

I'm sorry this got so long. Thank you, if you made it this far.

Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:37am

Boy, howdy, does that bring up some bad memories!

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 12:14pm

I cannot thank you enough for your reply. I hate feeling like I'm so alone with these feelings. Our counseling is joint, right now anyway. I have been to 3 sessions alone because DH couldn't make it (doesn't truly want to is my feeling). The sessions I have been to alone have been great. I really like my therapist. After last night though, I was considering scheduling an extra session next week so I can go alone before the joint one. My therapist has said he generally only sees couples but in my situation would want to see me alone if DH stops coming or we split up, and I definitely intend to keep seeing him.

I am thinking exactly what you said, that I need to come up with some plan of action. The counseling was my first step. Now I think I may need to take another.

Thanks again, Tracy.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:11pm

Yikes. I'm with Tracy. Bad memories there. I can't count the number of times I just waited for it to be over. I can't offer a lot of advice, as I am not even close to a comfortable place talking about the sexual aspect of my soon-to-be-dissolved marriage. However, I would say use, as much as you can, the advice and support of the veteran folks here.

And take care of yourself as much as possible.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 1:06am
Hi! I'm new to this and was just looking at this particular board to see what it was. I never thought I would have anything to add to it but your post surprised me. I could actually relate to what you were saying and that kind of scared me. Mine also does those things when he's intoxicated. He comes home and I'll be sleeping and flips the overhead on wakes me up and starts talking to me even when I've had to be up very early in the morning and he knew it. If I shirked his advances he would also lay next to me and touch me and try to get me to change my mind talking all the time not allowing me to go back to sleep and eventually I would scream at him how tired I was and why was he doing this, and that somebody who loved me would never be so nasty mean and wake me up not caring if I got no sleep which would start an arguement (never argue with a drunk, I've learned) and One day I had had enough when he kept me up fighting for over 4 weeks making me feel guilty and that I didn't love him anymore etc. I tried to move out. But he did say he would try not to do that anymore and that he loved me etc. So I stayed. My heart and mind at the time screamed that this was abusive behavior but I think of abuse as hitting or horrible nasty remarks aimed at you personally that kind of thing. This has made me think, I've posted on other boards as well. We have issues in our relationship that much I know. I hope it works out for you! Wish I had more advice. Goodluck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 8:33am

Hello All,

I know how you feel. My ex- fiance was putting pressure on me all the time.

Ironically he was also detertmined for me to stay virgin meaning no intercourse.

He had a sexual experience in Taiwan with a prostitute who gave him massage and blow job and basically I was under constant impression that it was all he wanted and that I would never be able to compete.

I was 21 and felt absolutely degraded. My needs and dreams were never addressed. All he wanted was a virgin giving him head, and he never managed to comunicate with me on the intrinsic level despite my desperate attempt to instigate any conversation about it. I felt extremely frustrated. He was telling me "you should sleep now darling" in bed if i wanted sex. He was doing it on purpose and keeping me irritated because he claimed I was than coming better. But there was no other way than going down on him. I had nobody to talk to at the time. He was 7 years older and I started to not finding him attractive. We argued all the time and decided to spend time apart. I went to visit my dad in LA Than it came another great dissapointment in my life. My dad. He organized that I stayed at the friends' house by the beach. They turned out to my utter and complete astoundment to be in porn bussiness. My dad shouted at me that I cannot tell anyone in the family about it. That has tuened my blood run cold. My time there was disgusting.Dad was coming to visit me there and he was watching the movies and the magazines. I told my fiance about it and he, as a perfect gentleman, payed for my ticket back home.

Yet at home he only wanted one thing - to go down on my knees on him. I felt emotionally and sexually abused to the bone. I was very confused as well. I found a lot of porn under my ex's bed which was older men and sex with very young school girls. To all this he was constantly paying complements to other women in public saying wow look at this girl ! etc because he knew i would get upset. On the other hand he was suspecting me of having affairs and even inspected me with magnifying glass if my hymen was still intact! He was choosing going to clubs such as Springfellows, buing me sexy dresses and jewelery and of course flowers to say sorry. He was passionate about supporting conservative party and had strong views that women should stay at home.

Once he said " I cannot wait when you have a child. You will give birth to a lovely daughter and I will be playing with her and you will b getting jeleous" That was his usual sense of humor but at this point I actually decided I do not want to have anything to do with him and left( 3 years). I was vry confused at the time and depressed. Everything he was doing was demeaning me but I stongly feel that this kind of behaviour is widely accaptable in some conservative parts of the English mysoginistic society.(Thanks God they are in the shadow now.)
All it boils down to that he was trying to change me into somebody i was not and I found myself in constant struggle to prevail my dignity and humanity. I felt helpless, caged, suffocating. I have no regrets and no guilt now probably because I know that his constant pursuit in achieving certain image as a "succesful professional" in a James Bond style had shuttered into pieces since he become financially bunkrupt ( I also believe he was emotionally bunkrupt long before I have met him). More so I am glad that I am not a part of the picture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 9:48pm
Hi Lisa. I am new to this board. This is the first time that I have posted. I will apologize in advance because my post will also be long. I could really relate to your post. I guess I was hoping that I would come to this board and NOT be able to relate. IN my heart, I knew that I would, but I still hoped...I am just now starting to understand just how emotionally abusive my marriage was. I have been separated for 8 months. I knew that I was very unhappy in my marriage. My husband was very quiet and a loner (I thought). Our courtship was wonderful. I thought I was so lucky when we married. Things changed within about 2 years. He did not seem to know how to talk to me except to make jokes. I am sure that I enjoyed the joking at first, but after a while you have to have a serious conversation. My husband did not want to spend time with me, he rarely communicated with me, he stayed on the computer most of the time, he never held my hand or held me, and sex was WHAM BAM. His abuse was so covert that I just did not think that it was abuse. He was secretive and silent. I never realized how damaging silence could be. It took a lot for me to get up my nerve to try to talk to him. When I did, he would not say ANYTHING. He would just stare at me with this cold, blank, stare. I began to think that something was wrong with me. I tried writing him letters. I think that I wrote about 7 letters in my 9 year marriage. He never acknowleged one letter. If I asked, he told me that he needed time to think about them. I also gave in to sex because I wanted to try to be closer to him. But it was so hard without communication, or any other kind of intimacy. I felt like a prostitute. He never forced me or anyting like that, so once again, I did not consider it abuse. I also cried through sex many times. He never noticed. Sex was generally about him. I felt that he did not really want to touch me in any way. I also tried to talk to him about that. I never got any answers. I desperately wanted a family and children. I could not get him to really discuss that with me. When we had trouble conceiving, he did not take part in being tested. I went and had the preliminary tests done alone. Finally, I realized that I should stop trying to have a child with him. His disinterest in conceiving was a very bad sign for his future as a father. He finally said that he was not sure that he wanted the responsibility of children. My heart was broken. We went to marriage counseling, but he only made it to 2 sessions. I remained in therapy alone for the last 5 years.I began to develop my own life without him. I have horses and spent a lot of time with them. Again, I would have preferred that he be out riding with me. I was already shouldering most of the responsibility for our home. I did everything around the house. I withdrew also. I am ashamed to say it, but that is what I did. I lived as if he were my roomate. Shortly before we separated, I discovered that he was very involved with internet pornography. My friends had suggested that was what he was doing until late at night on the computer. I really did not believe it. I put spyware on the computer and discovered that was what he was doing. He was visiting many teen porn sites. Once again, I was heart broken. He had stopped wanted to be intimate with me (except wham bam). He preferred porn over me? I blamed myself for that also. I felt there must be something deficient in me. My husband found another woman within 2 months of our separation. She has children. I felt suicidal. I could not believe that after all of my years of practically begging him to tell me how he felt about having a family that he became involved with someone with children. I am now 43 and it is almost too late for me to have children of my own. We separated because I had an affair. Again, this is something that I am so ashamed of. He left immediately. At first he said, "I guess I cannot blame you". That only last one day. After that he began to tell me that I brought all of this on myself (separation/divorce). He would not take any responsibility for his neglect of our marriage. I was hoping that being honest with him he would do the same for me and that we could to counseling and try to work things out. I have been through so much emotional pain and guilt in the last 8 months. Today was especially hard because I know that he was probably at Thanksgiving dinner introducing his new girlfriend and her children to his family. I suspect that all they know about me at this point is that I had an affair. They have no idea what our marriage was really like. I know that it is common not to get any closure with emotionally abusive partners. That part is like torture for me. I will never get an answer to any of my questions. I will always wonder what happened to the man I thought I married. The man that I thought had become a reclusive loner just moved right in with someone else. He simply said that he could not tolerate my affair. Just like that, he was done with me. He has been so cruel that he has given his cell phone to one of the children to answer when I have called him in the past. The child said "Is this M's ex wife?" It is very hard to find peace with all of this. Finally, the most difficult part of all is that I am still battling that fear that just maybe he will treat someone else with respect. Maybe he will be a good partner in his new relationship. I know that is a common question/fear/belief of partners of emotionally abusive people; that they will be "different" with someone else. I still battle with that in my mind every single day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 10:21pm
Sleep deprivation is horrible, especially when you have children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 10:26pm
It's good that you got out. He sounds like a pedophile from that comment he made.
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 2:22pm
Reading your post took me back to a time I would like to forget. Most of the time I would just put up with it and then one night I got so mad at my now ex-husband.
I put up with him forcing anal sex on me.
I am crying while I write this. He would just force himself on me while I was sleeping.
No matter how much I wore to bed. I tried keeping my underwear on and he would tke them off. There was no kissing, no fore-play, he would just stick it in and all during it I would cry. He acted like it was no big deal, like nothing happened.
He hurt me. One night he did and I was so angry because like you I wanted to pacify him. I tried to be quiet, silent so my dc wouldn't hear my sobs. I got out of bed and said I have had enough, I am sick of you doing this to me. It made him loose control over me and it was the beginning of the end for us.
Unfortunately, I went on to meet someone and got engaged but got out. He used the intimidation of guns and my children and I thankfully ran from this man. He is no longer a threat.
But the damage has been done and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to triumph over tragedy.
I am dating a guy who I feel isn't meant to be, because I have my self-esteem and my self-worth back. I am holding my head up high because what was done to me wasn't my fault and I am not accountable for someone else's actions only my own.
I see in my new b/f who I am datiing someone who likes to control and there are red flags and warning bells going off.
I deserve better, and so do you.
Think about your dc.
thats what made me get my life back, my voice.
nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 3:09pm
My husband was the opposite. He would withold sex and affection as a punishment. He would have sex with me once or twice a year. He would not have sex with me on our wedding night. I still cannot figure out what was wrong with him. I consider myself attractive. It ruined my self esteem. I would go to kiss him or hold hands with him and he would back away and would say I "bitched too much."

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