Emotional or Sexual Abuse?
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| Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:22am |
I've been lurking on this board for the last couple of days. I have come to the conclusion that DH is emotionally abusive and I guess I'm just looking for someone who can relate. I won't go into our LONG history - except to tell you that a few months ago I decided I needed to make some sort of a decision about my marriage. (I also have 2 children, 3 and 20 mos) Leaving my marriage is a decision I've been struggling with for a long time so, I made the decision to have us go to counseling, so I could get an answer as far as if he can change and if the marriage can work and so I know that if it can't work, I tried everything.
We've had 7 counseling sessions, DH has missed 3. In my opinion only 1 absence was valid but anyway, I've begun to learn some things about myself. That I need to keep standing up for myself, that for the most part, I'm not doing anything wrong and that DH's reactions in most situations are issues he has and are things HE needs to work through. Basically, I need to work on getting back to the person I was before I met DH - strong, secure in myself, etc.
The specific issue I have right now is with sex. I am emotionally unattached to DH and have been for a long time. Sex with him, at the very least, means nothing to me and at the most, makes me hate myself. Sex has become something I use to try to pacify him but it's never good enough, basically. His complaint now is that I never let him instigate anything or let him try to satisfy me orally, etc. And, although I try to let him, it is hell - I hate it. I feel like he's violating me in some way. THe worst was when he would come home drunk, start an argument usually about why I won't let him touch me and 2 hours later after he's worn me down - I give in and let him have his way. I had put a stop to that for about a year but recently it started up again and last night was the worst. I had specifically told him I just wanted to go to sleep and said it very nicely, kissed him goodnight, turned off the light. Then it started - "don't worry, I won't try to touch you" and it went on from there. At one point I thought he had finally given up - he apologized for starting anything, then he lays next to me and proceeds to start touching me. I'm laying there letting him when finally I just can't anymore and push him off me. At first he was apologetic but then came the anger and "hurt". So now we're in for round two and it's 12:30 a.m. (My kids get up at 5:30 a.m.) I point out that here he is again, keeping me awake. Twenty minutes later I find myself laying in the same position, with him all over me again but this time I just let him and I cried the whole time (he didn't know, at least I don't think he did). I'm laying there crying and thinking how much I hate myself for giving in again - just so I could get a few hours of sleep.
Can anyone relate to this? I feel so horrible. I can't believe I let him do this again. I'm bringing this up at counseling next week but I could use some support right now. And by the way - DH is acting like nothing is wrong at all - like what happened last night is normal. I hate him and I hate myself.
I'm sorry this got so long. Thank you, if you made it this far.
Lisa

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Boy, howdy, does that bring up some bad memories!
I cannot thank you enough for your reply. I hate feeling like I'm so alone with these feelings. Our counseling is joint, right now anyway. I have been to 3 sessions alone because DH couldn't make it (doesn't truly want to is my feeling). The sessions I have been to alone have been great. I really like my therapist. After last night though, I was considering scheduling an extra session next week so I can go alone before the joint one. My therapist has said he generally only sees couples but in my situation would want to see me alone if DH stops coming or we split up, and I definitely intend to keep seeing him.
I am thinking exactly what you said, that I need to come up with some plan of action. The counseling was my first step. Now I think I may need to take another.
Thanks again, Tracy.
Lisa
Yikes. I'm with Tracy. Bad memories there. I can't count the number of times I just waited for it to be over. I can't offer a lot of advice, as I am not even close to a comfortable place talking about the sexual aspect of my soon-to-be-dissolved marriage. However, I would say use, as much as you can, the advice and support of the veteran folks here.
And take care of yourself as much as possible.
MG
Hello All,
I know how you feel. My ex- fiance was putting pressure on me all the time.
Ironically he was also detertmined for me to stay virgin meaning no intercourse.
He had a sexual experience in Taiwan with a prostitute who gave him massage and blow job and basically I was under constant impression that it was all he wanted and that I would never be able to compete.
I was 21 and felt absolutely degraded. My needs and dreams were never addressed. All he wanted was a virgin giving him head, and he never managed to comunicate with me on the intrinsic level despite my desperate attempt to instigate any conversation about it. I felt extremely frustrated. He was telling me "you should sleep now darling" in bed if i wanted sex. He was doing it on purpose and keeping me irritated because he claimed I was than coming better. But there was no other way than going down on him. I had nobody to talk to at the time. He was 7 years older and I started to not finding him attractive. We argued all the time and decided to spend time apart. I went to visit my dad in LA Than it came another great dissapointment in my life. My dad. He organized that I stayed at the friends' house by the beach. They turned out to my utter and complete astoundment to be in porn bussiness. My dad shouted at me that I cannot tell anyone in the family about it. That has tuened my blood run cold. My time there was disgusting.Dad was coming to visit me there and he was watching the movies and the magazines. I told my fiance about it and he, as a perfect gentleman, payed for my ticket back home.
Yet at home he only wanted one thing - to go down on my knees on him. I felt emotionally and sexually abused to the bone. I was very confused as well. I found a lot of porn under my ex's bed which was older men and sex with very young school girls. To all this he was constantly paying complements to other women in public saying wow look at this girl ! etc because he knew i would get upset. On the other hand he was suspecting me of having affairs and even inspected me with magnifying glass if my hymen was still intact! He was choosing going to clubs such as Springfellows, buing me sexy dresses and jewelery and of course flowers to say sorry. He was passionate about supporting conservative party and had strong views that women should stay at home.
Once he said " I cannot wait when you have a child. You will give birth to a lovely daughter and I will be playing with her and you will b getting jeleous" That was his usual sense of humor but at this point I actually decided I do not want to have anything to do with him and left( 3 years). I was vry confused at the time and depressed. Everything he was doing was demeaning me but I stongly feel that this kind of behaviour is widely accaptable in some conservative parts of the English mysoginistic society.(Thanks God they are in the shadow now.)
All it boils down to that he was trying to change me into somebody i was not and I found myself in constant struggle to prevail my dignity and humanity. I felt helpless, caged, suffocating. I have no regrets and no guilt now probably because I know that his constant pursuit in achieving certain image as a "succesful professional" in a James Bond style had shuttered into pieces since he become financially bunkrupt ( I also believe he was emotionally bunkrupt long before I have met him). More so I am glad that I am not a part of the picture.
I put up with him forcing anal sex on me.
I am crying while I write this. He would just force himself on me while I was sleeping.
No matter how much I wore to bed. I tried keeping my underwear on and he would tke them off. There was no kissing, no fore-play, he would just stick it in and all during it I would cry. He acted like it was no big deal, like nothing happened.
He hurt me. One night he did and I was so angry because like you I wanted to pacify him. I tried to be quiet, silent so my dc wouldn't hear my sobs. I got out of bed and said I have had enough, I am sick of you doing this to me. It made him loose control over me and it was the beginning of the end for us.
Unfortunately, I went on to meet someone and got engaged but got out. He used the intimidation of guns and my children and I thankfully ran from this man. He is no longer a threat.
But the damage has been done and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to triumph over tragedy.
I am dating a guy who I feel isn't meant to be, because I have my self-esteem and my self-worth back. I am holding my head up high because what was done to me wasn't my fault and I am not accountable for someone else's actions only my own.
I see in my new b/f who I am datiing someone who likes to control and there are red flags and warning bells going off.
I deserve better, and so do you.
Think about your dc.
thats what made me get my life back, my voice.
nightangel
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