Emotional or Sexual Abuse?
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| Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:22am |
I've been lurking on this board for the last couple of days. I have come to the conclusion that DH is emotionally abusive and I guess I'm just looking for someone who can relate. I won't go into our LONG history - except to tell you that a few months ago I decided I needed to make some sort of a decision about my marriage. (I also have 2 children, 3 and 20 mos) Leaving my marriage is a decision I've been struggling with for a long time so, I made the decision to have us go to counseling, so I could get an answer as far as if he can change and if the marriage can work and so I know that if it can't work, I tried everything.
We've had 7 counseling sessions, DH has missed 3. In my opinion only 1 absence was valid but anyway, I've begun to learn some things about myself. That I need to keep standing up for myself, that for the most part, I'm not doing anything wrong and that DH's reactions in most situations are issues he has and are things HE needs to work through. Basically, I need to work on getting back to the person I was before I met DH - strong, secure in myself, etc.
The specific issue I have right now is with sex. I am emotionally unattached to DH and have been for a long time. Sex with him, at the very least, means nothing to me and at the most, makes me hate myself. Sex has become something I use to try to pacify him but it's never good enough, basically. His complaint now is that I never let him instigate anything or let him try to satisfy me orally, etc. And, although I try to let him, it is hell - I hate it. I feel like he's violating me in some way. THe worst was when he would come home drunk, start an argument usually about why I won't let him touch me and 2 hours later after he's worn me down - I give in and let him have his way. I had put a stop to that for about a year but recently it started up again and last night was the worst. I had specifically told him I just wanted to go to sleep and said it very nicely, kissed him goodnight, turned off the light. Then it started - "don't worry, I won't try to touch you" and it went on from there. At one point I thought he had finally given up - he apologized for starting anything, then he lays next to me and proceeds to start touching me. I'm laying there letting him when finally I just can't anymore and push him off me. At first he was apologetic but then came the anger and "hurt". So now we're in for round two and it's 12:30 a.m. (My kids get up at 5:30 a.m.) I point out that here he is again, keeping me awake. Twenty minutes later I find myself laying in the same position, with him all over me again but this time I just let him and I cried the whole time (he didn't know, at least I don't think he did). I'm laying there crying and thinking how much I hate myself for giving in again - just so I could get a few hours of sleep.
Can anyone relate to this? I feel so horrible. I can't believe I let him do this again. I'm bringing this up at counseling next week but I could use some support right now. And by the way - DH is acting like nothing is wrong at all - like what happened last night is normal. I hate him and I hate myself.
I'm sorry this got so long. Thank you, if you made it this far.
Lisa

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Dear Nightangel,
My friend's boyfriend also forced anal sex on her. She said he would always do it in the morning and start when she was asleep. Once he did the anal, took a nap, woke up, yawned and said: "I had a great dream babe, I dremt that i was on a football pitch and score a great goal!" She started wandering if he actually was ever awake while he was doing IT. When she expressed discontent he said to her that she should try being more unattainable. Basically no respect... Eventually she kicked him out of her flat and he had to rent.
Your fiance with the guns sounds much worse. I am so glad that he is no longer a threat. I hope hes in jail ? Although i never had experience like yours I used to be stalked by my ex. At the same time we had burglary in the house and I saw the burglar with a stocking on his head right next to my bed opening the widow from the garden. I screamed and scared him off but for the following month i was waking up screaming in the corridor and because i was frightened at night I started seeing things as schizophrenics do such as infants crying on the tree. I wanted to go to theraphy but my grandma said i should be capable of fighting this with my willpower and choosing to seeing reality based on what i know not on what i see. She said anytime i see this i should try to throw it away from my mind. Amazingly it worked but i wanted it to work v badly. I am not in touch with methaphysics anymore as i used to be but im glad that those images are not appearing any more. it is to do with taking control over your life. When we are threatened or our life is in danger mind can play tricks because, i suppose, the things that are happening (like burglary) seem so unreal. Were you affected in this way.? I hope not...
Hugs
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