emotions coming to the surface

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
emotions coming to the surface
14
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 8:58pm

I've been numb for a long time, mentally there but kind of going through the motions. I hardly cry. Saw her in the park yesterday walking dog-lately she's been "angry", keeping dog on leash and hurrying off. Wouldn't you know it...the day when I felt sooo raw and hurt and in pain, she's all warm and friendly. I cried, I yelled at her for the crappy things and she put her arms around me-I had said "don't touch me" but when I started to really cry she hugged me and as painful as it is to write I hugged her back. Yet I still said the things that were truths to me. We talked for a while-I started to doubt myself, wonder why I was breaking up... and believe her! I got home and made a call to a friend.
Today I'm crying a lot-pain, loss, grieving for what I do miss....and feeling so awful that this is what it is! At one point she said "I'm sorry for what I did" ...and I practically screamed "yeah, you're sorry alright, not for how you hurt me but that I caught on and am stopping it". I hurt physically-I think for shoving it down for so long, not addressing the real issues and "keeping the peace"....not wanting confrontations with my sons around. I let her into my head to tell me how to think and feel and behave. Some of my tears are for simply losing myself...trying to be what she wanted me to be. I'm crying too for all the times I was too depressed/anxious and wasn't "present" for my boys. I'm sad for allowing my spending/debt to get out of control , for the disorganized place my home is right now...cluttered. It'll take time but slowly I'll get it in order. And reclaim myself...most important of all.

I'm now willing to drive the dogs to a park several miles away if I can't get there well before her ...I can't bear to see her, I feel really vulnerable, I feel hurt/angry....I don't want to hear her words that sound so good especially when I wish they were true or indicate change. I don't want to risk moments of wishing/wanting and "going back" because i can't stand the pain []but really only postponing the inevitable]

One good thing is this....I tormented myself with the idea that she is in control still and has the upper hand ....when they are more cruel it shows who they really are...lack of empathy, compassion, goodness. When people take advantage of another's compassion or vulnerable times to manipulate and distort and cause pain that's not "winning"-it's abuse. It's stealing from someone to add to your sick ego.

I need to be gentle and let myself have my feelings-I thought she was someone different....I am so sad. It's o.k. If I don't stuff my feelings and just nurture myself I think I'll move through it more quickly. It's weird-I was so shut down and now I feel like a dam bursting. I think too that my son leaving after his college break-I have the mental space to let down my "guard" so to speak. I cried today like I haven't in years. Pent up feelings and hurt.

Tomorrow I go back to work , I had surgery in October....in some ways work will be healing.
Thanks for being there-I have to get some more of it out so I don't have another sleepless night...hugs to all,
Beth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:54pm

I know what you mean about the cry, it's like you can let it all out and feel ready to start over a bit. Figure out the cell phones and CC debt another day, It's not going anywhere. One thing though, do you pay for her phone?

I can't (now having read the book I guess I can) believe she emails you lovey dovey after she dismissed your feelings/emotions when she saw you in the park! I'm so upset w/ her myself. Wouldn't it be easier if we could see that every time they did that to us? I'm doing it little by little too, just got to work tonight on divorce papers. I have to get all the kids in for all appts before this is final, cause he carries med/dental. 4 need to get their teeth cleaned, 2 need optical appts and new scripts, and 2 need physicals. I was down earlier in the week feeling overwhelmed by it all, until today when I realized I was doing it on my own.

Your work in nursing is appreciated! Unfortunately we've all had the mean nurse, which you don't strike me as. Did you say you're in pediatrics? W/ 6 kids and 6 deliveries, I know nurses do so much work! Hang in there!

Your comment about my seeming happier, my cousin noticed that when she came by the other day, I actually sat down and chatted, snacking on stuff w/ her and letting the kids play. Apparently they all joke about me cleaning and scrubbing all the time, which I don't do now.

Your pets sound like more work than my kids! I'm so glad you took the cat in. I see cats all the time in and out of H's woods.

Like you said Beth, one day at a time. I hope you do get a good nights sleep. You're so right about one day at a time. I think we have the unexpected day of happiness, or lack of misery, we appreciate it, and long for that!

Take care of you!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:02pm

Hey Carrie,

Well it's been 24 hours since I've heard from her-I don't think she realizes that I'm serious. In some ways I'm glad this has gone kind of slower because I feel I can get stronger and stronger-I could be wrong but I want to be ready if she really "comes at me"... Every day that I get more distance I think more clearly. I laughed when I read your statement "the unexpected day of happiness or lack of misery"...that says it very well.

i'm glad it's friday-got some pretty flowers for the house and for my room....

good luck with all the appts.-it'll be a good feeling to get it done-plus it keeps you focused....

the cats-does anyone care for them? there are trap and neuter programs so that thye don't keep breeding....I'm a sucker for anything furry and homeless :)

nursing? yup..I'm pretty caring and sincere in my job-life is hard and I like to help people.

Talk to you soon...take good care, enjoy your kiddos,..I'm going to vacuum and do dishes, then relax and take long hot shower and go to bed!!! I have a knot in my stomach and not sure why....I guess that swirl of emotions that goes along with this situation....and I hate to admit it but wondering who she's with -even though I don't want her back! It's weird, but maybe just normal. Maybe I'll check on-line later...
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 8:01pm

I'm taking the kids in the hot tub, will be back on soon when they put in a movie. It's Friday, movie and ice cream!

carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:29pm
Enjoy!!!! You're a good mom.
Beth

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