EQUAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ABUSE?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
EQUAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ABUSE?
14
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:40am
I need constructive and objective advice on an issue. My b/f stated yesterday that even in a physically abusive relationship the person being abused is equally to blame. I was horrified by this statement. He said that two male therapists he's seen told him this. I really doubt that civilised modern society would think that someone who is being physically or emotionally abused would be to blame at all. He often loses his temper with me over very little. I said he is a bully and he has an atittude that "you made me do it". Sound familiar? i'd like to go back to him with some valuable constructive feedback.


Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 7:49am
Hugs and welcome to the board. Is your bf an abuser? does he abuse you verbally physically, emotionally, financially, sexually? Why have two councelors said this to him. Are they councelors he has seen in his life or are they friends who are councelors.

Most therapist don't truly understand the dynamics of abuse. They think its like most relationships that go bad, it takes two kind of mentality. An abusive relationship is about power and control who has it and who can never have it.

You said you'd like to have something to come back at him with. I understand that, but I also know that if he's an abuser nothing you say will make a difference he'll keep side stepping and changing. Its called crazy making.

Hugs, Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:16am
No! An abused person is never responsible for being abused. We don't blame other victims of crime for being victims so why would we blame the (predominantly) female victims of dv for the abuse perpetrated by their partners?

Partner blame is a way that dv perpetrators minimise what they do. They say 'it's your fault that I did xyz' to in some way make themselves feel better and as an excuse for what they've done.

I fully understand that you want to be able to challenge your partner but he will not accept what you say and may well see you as challenging him, maybe as another excuse to be abusive?

I don't know your partner but please take care with this.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 9:01am
Your bf is lying through his teeth.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:53pm

Hi Lou -


Yes, it sounds familiar, and your bf is feeding you a crock of beans.


Only problem is that he's not going to listen if you try and explain to the contrary.


One of the earmarks of an abuser is failure to take responsibility for their behavior and actions, meaning they blame everyone else (the cashier was rude, the driver cut me off, you should have known better, etc.).

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:24pm
Honey,

God himself could come down and tell him to his face that he is wrong. You can bring him all the proof in the world and if he's an abuser he will not believe you. It does no good to try to make him see it. No matter how logically presented and no matter how obvious the issue, if he wants to be right- he will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 8:45am
detoutesmesforces!!

I love this post, thank you and good morning.

Good himself could come down and tell him to his face and he'd still not get it. Yes you hit that one on the head completely.

Hugs and be well.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:10am
Hi Louise, I'm glad you are here. I've tried to post twice to you and my text keeps disappearing between edit and post - extremely frustrating.

Mostly, I want to say that I agree with every here. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser. Here's how I know:

You and I might get very angry with one another and, in our anger, we may even swear, call each other names or say derogatory things about one another's character. At some point though, we would realize that what we've said has hurt the other. We'd feel remorse and take responsibility for our own words and actions. We'd probably apologize to one another and work toward a solution to the issue so this does not happen again. We are not abusers.

Abusers use anger to instill the fear necessary to keep their victim 'in their place'. Abusers will never feel remorse or admit that they are responsible for hurting us. They tell us that if we are hurt, it's because we are too sensitive or we said/did something that caused their abusive behaviour and so we deserved (or at least should have expected) what we got. After a while they've conditioned us to the point that we, too, look for someone or something else to blame for the abuser's bad behaviour.(stress at work/loss of work/I picked the time/he's just tired/I should have known better/etc) Likely, after the 'occurance' we will apologize for our perceved sin. We will not ever address the original issue and work toward a solution because 1) the cost was too dear to us or 2) we've been convinced that it was never their problem to begin with. They did nothing wrong, it was us. So we are the one who needs to change/fix it.

In a normal healthy setting, it does take two to fight. An insult or derogatory comment said in the heat of anger is bad behaviour but, does not an abuser make. However, this behaviour, coming consistantly from one side is a huge red flag.

Your (ex?)bf is lying about the therapist. You already know that, you said so in your post. I would not waste my time countering his BS. He'll never admit he's wrong. He'll only use the communication as another oppportunity to put you back in your place - below him and under his control. If I was you I would not put myself in that position.

I'd just ignore this guy. He only says things that cause you pain. It's like ripping off a bandaid. It will hurt at first (the'absolutely no contact' thing) but it's will quicker to get over the pain than the slow way.

Please stay and post. You are amoung friends here who know exactly what you are going through.

Keep looking up^

Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 4:39pm
I think that in an abusive relationship that the victim comes to realize that she is responsible for staying in it. I think that's when most of us grab the strength to get out.

Perhaps that's what he meant?

Sarah
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 3:38pm
Oh my goodness!!! Another one of these?? I'm so sorry, but holy crap are these guys all cut of the same mold or WHAT???? Here's some good advice, read through your post and everywhere that you see the words "he said", complete the sentence with the words BULL SHIP. Sweetie, I was told the EXACT same thing. Equal responsibility my arse. If you hit, you make a conscious CHOICE that is entirely 100% the fault of the person exerting the action and is, btw, PUNISHABLE BY LAW. I would strongly encourage you to file a police report each and every time you are assaulted by your b/f . Oh, and yes, my X told me that HIS counselor ALSO told him that I had responsibility for the....tirades. Course, the counselor never said that in front of me.....course not....lol...Now you just don't believe one word of that hocus pocus -- only meant to confuse, anger and throw you off balance. After all, think of the power he would have if YOU are to blame when he hits? Oh no, I think not. ~~~~many hugs and lots of support your way
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 3:53pm
My H still uses the fact that I left and got with another man quick after that it was my fault he put his hands on me. I am sorry but it doesnt matter if he walks in and catches you F#$%ing someone, it still does not give him the right. christina

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