EQUAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ABUSE?
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EQUAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ABUSE?
| Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:40am |
I need constructive and objective advice on an issue. My b/f stated yesterday that even in a physically abusive relationship the person being abused is equally to blame. I was horrified by this statement. He said that two male therapists he's seen told him this. I really doubt that civilised modern society would think that someone who is being physically or emotionally abused would be to blame at all. He often loses his temper with me over very little. I said he is a bully and he has an atittude that "you made me do it". Sound familiar? i'd like to go back to him with some valuable constructive feedback.
Thank you.

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Most therapist don't truly understand the dynamics of abuse. They think its like most relationships that go bad, it takes two kind of mentality. An abusive relationship is about power and control who has it and who can never have it.
You said you'd like to have something to come back at him with. I understand that, but I also know that if he's an abuser nothing you say will make a difference he'll keep side stepping and changing. Its called crazy making.
Hugs, Cathy
Partner blame is a way that dv perpetrators minimise what they do. They say 'it's your fault that I did xyz' to in some way make themselves feel better and as an excuse for what they've done.
I fully understand that you want to be able to challenge your partner but he will not accept what you say and may well see you as challenging him, maybe as another excuse to be abusive?
I don't know your partner but please take care with this.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
Hi Lou -
Yes, it sounds familiar, and your bf is feeding you a crock of beans.
Only problem is that he's not going to listen if you try and explain to the contrary.
One of the earmarks of an abuser is failure to take responsibility for their behavior and actions, meaning they blame everyone else (the cashier was rude, the driver cut me off, you should have known better, etc.).
CL-Blueliner4
God himself could come down and tell him to his face that he is wrong. You can bring him all the proof in the world and if he's an abuser he will not believe you. It does no good to try to make him see it. No matter how logically presented and no matter how obvious the issue, if he wants to be right- he will be.
I love this post, thank you and good morning.
Good himself could come down and tell him to his face and he'd still not get it. Yes you hit that one on the head completely.
Hugs and be well.
Cathy
Mostly, I want to say that I agree with every here. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser. Here's how I know:
You and I might get very angry with one another and, in our anger, we may even swear, call each other names or say derogatory things about one another's character. At some point though, we would realize that what we've said has hurt the other. We'd feel remorse and take responsibility for our own words and actions. We'd probably apologize to one another and work toward a solution to the issue so this does not happen again. We are not abusers.
Abusers use anger to instill the fear necessary to keep their victim 'in their place'. Abusers will never feel remorse or admit that they are responsible for hurting us. They tell us that if we are hurt, it's because we are too sensitive or we said/did something that caused their abusive behaviour and so we deserved (or at least should have expected) what we got. After a while they've conditioned us to the point that we, too, look for someone or something else to blame for the abuser's bad behaviour.(stress at work/loss of work/I picked the time/he's just tired/I should have known better/etc) Likely, after the 'occurance' we will apologize for our perceved sin. We will not ever address the original issue and work toward a solution because 1) the cost was too dear to us or 2) we've been convinced that it was never their problem to begin with. They did nothing wrong, it was us. So we are the one who needs to change/fix it.
In a normal healthy setting, it does take two to fight. An insult or derogatory comment said in the heat of anger is bad behaviour but, does not an abuser make. However, this behaviour, coming consistantly from one side is a huge red flag.
Your (ex?)bf is lying about the therapist. You already know that, you said so in your post. I would not waste my time countering his BS. He'll never admit he's wrong. He'll only use the communication as another oppportunity to put you back in your place - below him and under his control. If I was you I would not put myself in that position.
I'd just ignore this guy. He only says things that cause you pain. It's like ripping off a bandaid. It will hurt at first (the'absolutely no contact' thing) but it's will quicker to get over the pain than the slow way.
Please stay and post. You are amoung friends here who know exactly what you are going through.
Keep looking up^
Susan.
Perhaps that's what he meant?
Sarah
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