Everything's scarey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Everything's scarey!
1
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:05am
My thoughts are making me scared tonight. I know from reading all the posts, I guess this may be normal. The one thing I'm not afraid about is the appointment I have with an attorney on Friday. I'm scared about everything else. I'm scared that I've given up everything and where will I be 5 years from now or 10. I'm scared that I'll continue to feel lonely. I'm scared of letting my emotional feelings for another man (a two-way attraction that's going nowhere) go away because thinking of him and that we could possibly have a future of friendship brings joy to me right now. I'm scared of letting go of that, though I know I'm emotionally unfit to even begin another relationship. I'm scared that I'll be financially unstable like I am now or that I may lose my job by the end of the year and then what!?! We've come to an agreement that I've settled on so there isn't any bickering and fighting and the attorneys don't make off with the cash that isn't there. With this agreement he shouldn't make my life miserable. He promises that he won't let me starve. I believe him; he's not that big of a monster. He even told me today to go get new glasses while I have his insurance, and he'd pay the extra for the progressive lens. I'm also scared about a new counselor that I've only seen one time, and I'm not sure I'll like her. The other one brought me to where I am today, and she was such a tremendous help. This one already said initially that it may get worse before it gets better! (The other counselor isn't covered by my insurance any longer.) I'm scared about my friends, that I'm imposing on them. I've called a few that are divorced, gone to dinner with one, and neither have returned a call again. I hate the fact that I've wasted 26 years of my life on a marriage that wasn't right. Tonight I went to a reunion for where I used to work 26 years ago. I was looking at pictures of the Christmas parties. Even then I wasn't able to go to Christmas parties with my fellow co-workers. I wasn't "allowed". Why didn't I see this then!? Why did I wait so long!?

I just finished reading the post from jeepgirl and bawled my eyes out. Everything she said is so true. How long does it take to heal? Is this normal.....to cry because you're afraid but yet you know you now have the freedom to have a life.

I'm so scared I'll be lonely, that winter will set in and I'll really go off the deep end. I hate winter to begin with, and it always made me depressed. I've got SAD. Thank goodness I have a job right now that I love.

I'm just scared. I'm in one of these "nobody loves me" modes. Friday I'm going out with the girls, and Saturday I'm suppose to go out with a friend for dinner. I'd never be able to do that any other time. I need Friday to come quickly.

Thanks for reading......I'll go say my prayers.

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:59am

Aw...((((((HUGS!)))))))


Happy, you're totally normal right now.

CL-Blueliner4