Ex Abusive BF going to jail need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Ex Abusive BF going to jail need advice!
5
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:46am

I was in a abusive relationship for 5 years. It took me a long time to get out of it. I cant tell you how many times we would break up and get back together. My ex hasnt lived with me for a year now but we were still off and on. About 2 months ago I broke all of it off. I didnt want to see him anymore. He is such a horrible person and has done so many horrible things to me that I just cant stand him. I dont even want to hear his voice. Thinking about him makes me very angry. I have a long way to go to get over the things he has done to me. I know that I need to talk to someone about it or its going to eat me up inside.

He is going to jail today for 9 months. Well at least thats what the state is asking for. He goes to court today and they are going to sentence him. He will probably go to jail right from court. Hes going in for prescriptin fraud. He forged a script for Oxycontin. He showed up at my place last night. He said he was depressed because he was going to jail and that he wanted to spend his last night with me and that he missed me. I didnt believe him of course. Then he asks if he can stay over because he wants to hang out with me. I tell him no and he just starts begging me. He keeps saying please please. He was really annoying me. I told him no and to leave. Then he asks if I can give him a ride home because he got dropped off. And I tell him no. Now Im getting mad because hes asking me to do all these favors for him and he has no right to ask me for sh*t. Then he says to me the reason he asked if he could stay over is because his roomates are doing drugs tonight and he doesnt want to be around them because hes all depressed and is afraid he will do them. So at this point he pushed me too far. For the past like 2 years he has been addicted to pain killers. Its a long story but he got into worse drugs and I was always trying to keep him away from drugs and his stupid drug friends. And he used this drug excuse so he could get his way so he could stay over and that really made me mad. I looked at him and said " We are over! I dont care what you do anymore you are not my problem" and then I left because I knew if I didnt he would keep trying to stay. So I just left and when I came home later he was gone. Im so glad that I didnt let him get to me. He was playing the poor me card on me. He was using these things to get me to feel sorry for him.

Well today I cant stop thinking about him. Its making me mad because now I feel bad and I shouldnt. Hes going to be locked up for 9 months and he came to my place all upset because of that and he doesnt have anybody. I know its his fault that hes going to jail and I know I did the right thing last night but now I just feel bad for him. Now I want to go to court tomorrow and say goodbye to him. Then if I do that I will probably write him letters while hes in jail and then Im sure he will ask me to send the jail money so he can buy shampoo or whatever it is the jail sells. And I will get all caught up and involved in him and his crazy life again. I know that I shouldnt do this but I need someone to tell me not to go to his court tomorrow. I need help because Im a kind and caring person and I feel bad for him even with how horrible he has been to me. See this is why he came by because he knows me and he knew I would think this way and he wants someone to have while hes in jail. Im such an idiot. Sometimes I wish I wasnt caring.

Melysa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:51am
Hi mysti...I know you're kind and caring, but your inclination towards helping him isn't because you're kind and caring, it's because you're codependent and haven't quite broken that extremely unhealthy bond with him.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:58am

(((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))

You did great. You did the right thing telling him no. Great job sticking to your boundaries. I do the same thing. I do great in the moment, then afterward I start questioning myself. But don't question yourself. And DON'T go to say goodbye.

All I keep thinking is GREAT Job, great job. Keep with it. Just ignore the voice that has pity on him and keep listening to the wise voice that caught on to his manipulation. You saw right thru his tactics. And you shouldn't feel bad for being a good and caring person. I do that sometimes too. You stay good and caring. A therapist once told me, "It is the bad people who take advantage of you."

Stay strong sister.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:16am

Thank you so much for that deep message. I really needed that badly. Your reply is really interesting. I would have never thought of the co-dep thing. You make a lot of sense. And even more so with regards to him being the way he is because he has been able to get away with it. This is so true. The law and his family have let him get away with a lot. And he does need to learn a lesson like you said. And by me helping him he wont. Wow! This will really help me through this. Because I know that I dont love him and I cant understand why I feel the way I do. So the bond thing really is going to make me think more. Because I do feel that way, that we have this sick crazy bond thing. I am going to print out that reply so I can read it over and over again haha. Thanks so much. I know Im going on and on about this advice. But you have no idea how much this has helped. Thank you so much!!!

Melysa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:23am

Thank you for your reply. That is exactly what I do. I do good in the moment and then later have second thoughts. And we know that whatever we do on impulse is the right thing. So you are so right. And I did see right through his manipulation. So much so that I couldnt believe how good he was. I think that was the first time I actually saw it. Probably not but this time it hit me in the head. I heard the words and was like hello warning warning!!!! It was crazy. Whats even crazier is how often he has done that to me and I just fell for it ugh!! No wonder he came by he really thought he was going to get what he wanted because I have given in before a lot. I am actually pretty proud of myself. Im amazed that I was able to do that. This is a new start for me. I really feel that I can start healing now. Wow what a moment of truth! Thanks again

Melysa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 12:53pm

Hugs Melysa! I hope you re-read what sweetdreams and loonybunny wrote you, they are strong messages!

Take this time to work away from him, not feed into him! Now you have time and distance on your side, find a counselor through a shelter or whatever DV resources are near you. Take this time to re-introduce you to you! His manipulation, his conditioning, his constant mad making to make you think you mean so much to him, it's time to get off this merri-go-round of insanity and get back in touch with you.

Don't think for a minute that he is alone, he's got plenty of company, it's just they won't cater to him like you would and that's what he wants. He can't tell you the truth, he can't give you happiness, he can't give you anything but pain and it's time you heal yourself of this pain.

No contact, none, nada, focus on you and only you. We the caring do fall prey to these master manipulators out of our own goodness and trying to help the wounded. Well, it's these so called wounded that see our goodness and twist it to the extreme and we unintentionally fall into their web of deceit. When you start thinking of him, pick up a book on healing, call a friend, call a counselor, learn knitting, anything to distract you from feeling sorry for him and do something positive for you instead. Once you start staying away from him, you'll find the urge will lessen and you can start seeing how to help you instead.

Now is your time, use it wisely. Now is your life, live it in happiness. Now is your future, fill it with visions of health and love starting with loving yourself.

Hugs and stay true to yourself