Father/Boss verbally abuses my mom and I
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| Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:28pm |
I am 24 years old and an only child and work with my parents. My father is verbally abusive, I think. He puts down my mother and I in front of people and always seems to make every problem our fault. Nothing is ever the way he wants it. My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. My mother has gotten to the point where she mostly just puts up with it. But I was away at school for 5 1/2 years and hadn't dealt with it in all that time and now I am right back in it. He makes me feel stupid a lot--which I can never understand because I know I am not, I even have a Master's degree to prove it! When I don't understand something I ask questions but he just makes me feel like I am an idiot and should be able to figure it out.
I am in an unusual situation because my mother and I can't just leave. Our livelihoods are wrapped up in the family business--and eventually the business will be mine which is not something I can just walk away from. We know he needs counseling but have no idea how to convince him of this. When we tell him he yells all the time he says he's not yelling. He doesn't even hear that. He doesn't just target us though (although we get the worst and most of it). He yells at our warehouse manager and our suppliers. But he is sweet as can be to our truck drivers. He has never ever been physically abusive. It's not even close to being in his nature--when I was 2 or 3 I threw a golf ball in his spaghetti and he spanked me for the first and last time. He felt so bladly about it that he never laid a hand on me again--so I am not at all concerned for my physical safety or my mother's just our mental health. I have started to notice friends telling me my self esteem isn't so good. This seems to be a symptom of my father's put-downs.
Any suggestions for our situation?

I can somewhat relate to your post, however, in my situation, mine is the other way around.
It's funny you mention the possibility of your mom being bipolar. My mother and I have discussed that as a possibility for my father. Except he never really seems happy.
As for counseling, I have thought of it many times. Maybe it is time to start thinking about it more seriously. The reason I found this forum today was because my father and I had a huge fight this morning. He had created a spreadsheet for me and said to look over it and ask him questions about what I didn't understand. Well, I did and he told me I hadn't looked at the sheet long enough and I should understand it if I just look at it. Well, I didn't understand part of. And he just went off on me. Then he told me maybe I should find another job and just leave. That's always his threat. Maybe I should just find another job. Well, today when he said to leave I actually did. I grabbed my bag and left. I drove around for about an hour, but I had things to do at work so I came back. I haven't spoken to him all day--and he hasn't spoken to me.
It just depresses me so because the only person I have ever really wanted approval from is him. Everyone else can tell me how great a job I am doing but it doesn't help. The best days are when I overhear him talking to someone on the phone or something and he says how great a job I am doing. But he never ever says it to my face. Does he think it will make me tough to bash me all the time? All it seems to do is make me cry. I am tough too. I was in a creative program in school and half of what we learned was to have a thick skin when our work was criticized.
He just came into my office and yelled at me again. This time for something I told him to do that he didn't. Because I told him to do it, it's my fault it was done wrong. Lovin' it.
Good Luck with your mother. I am sure I will be on this forum more often. I can see how it can keep you sane.
Thanks,
Rachel
Im just glad I was able to give some form of insight Rachel.
And no, it wouldn't have been possible to explain to my dad that he needed some kind of help. It wasn't HIM with the problem, it was all of us! And we conspired against him! I have no idea where he got these ideas. He always imagined we accused him of being stupid, that he didn't know anything. We never said anything like that. Outside of the house he was an entirely different story. My friends thought he was the sweetest person in the world. He made small talk with everyone in the grocery store, joked around with gas attendants, the man in the little shop where my dad bought the newspaper every morning knew him by name. He went to church every week. Jeckyl and Hyde. I always thought I must be crazy to be so frightened of this man. Everyone else loves him! It really screwed with my perception of people.
Well, my dad has been dead 5 years now. He died still angry and critical of everyone. And I'm in recovery for my own issues with alcohol, and I understand that he had a disease, yada, yada, yada. But yes, what you're living with is extremely damaging and painful, and takes a horrible toll on your self-esteem. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and send you some ((((((hugs)))))).
I do know one thing that sets him off though. He has terrible eating habits. He doesn't eat breakfast or lunch. Yes, that's right only dinner! Who can do that?!? But it of course makes him grumpy and crabby like anyone. I think if we could get him to start eating breakfast at least, he would be much more pleasant, honestly. He also drinks ungodly amounts of coffee--an entire pot by 2pm. Finally, my mother and I have started switching out the coffee at work with decaf--he has no clue, but it keeps him a little less wired and calms him some.
Some days if I go out for lunch I bring him back something. He'll eat that, and even say thank you, but he won't bring anything. He doesn't believe in taking a lunch break--in his eyes, it's a sign of weakness. I guess breakfast is too. He also doesn't believe in vacation time either, but that's a different story. I wish I knew how to get him to eat. I really think it would help immensly. The days I bring him something he is much more pleasant for the rest of the day--once his glucose levels are normal again.
My friends all think he's funny too. And I just sit there and wait for him to say something--praying he won't--that will be embarrassing to me or rude to them, but he tends to be pretty good around them. At some point in high school I told him he embarrassed me, and he at least understood that, and pulled back there. He is "good" around my friends. That's what we say after they leave, "dad, you were 'good' thank you." But he just can't be "good" in private.
I mean he was an ok father growing up while I was "daddy's little girl" but when I got into my teens he started being the way he is now. The support started to fall away I guess. I am glad he wasn't like that when I was little. I would have turned out horribly. And the thing is in high school, I knew he wasn't treating me well. I guess it's good that it never seemed right. I might be able to deal.
With Christmas though, my father is exactly the opposite. He does nothing. Granted he is Jewish, but my mother and I like to decorate and he wants nothing to do with decorating. He gets the christmas tree--griping the whole way--puts it up--griping--might possibly put lights on it--griping--and goes and sits on the couch. He never helps around the house. He mows the lawn and cleans the pool once a week. And that's it. Doesn't cook or clean anything--my mother did make him start doing his own laundry a few years ago though. But beyond that, he works, and sleeps on the couch. That's it. No socializing. It's very unhealthy.
But anyway, even though you father created unbelievable stress for you and mutilated your self esteem, I am sorry he passed away. Even though my father drives me mad, I would still be sad if he died because he is my father. So for that, I give you my sympathies.
And please let me know if you find anything particularly interesting or helpful in dealing with a father like this, since you have been there.
And hugs right back at ya!
--Rachel