Feel crazy today.... Don't wanna see him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Feel crazy today.... Don't wanna see him
Sun, 08-21-2011 - 2:03am
So, I haven't been on here for a while and I was talking on different places on the message boards.

I finally realized (admitted) that my husband is abusive in ways. I left him at the beginning on March. Hard! It was nuts, up and down. He hates me, then loves me, then hates me, then loves me. I started counseling a couple months ago. It helps soooo much to be able to talk to someone.

Every time he's mad at me he calls my daughters and tries to put them in the middle. He even went as far as telling one of them that he was gonna call the cops on me if I tried to hide my van from him. We will hopefully be divorced soon.

My kids and I are living at my parents. They are finally stable and don't ask about their dad very much. My 5th old son cries when he has to see him, which is only maybe once a month.

My h is the type that will make himself out to be the victim, an awesome, loving person. To him, I ruined his life, broke his heart. He can not believe I would ever do something like this.

I've been doing better (so I think anyway). The more apart I get from him, the more I see that was wrong, I am in therapy trying to work through all of the abuse with him and with my ex. I'm trying to learn my feelings and not be a rock with no emotions. You know what I mean?? I feel lifeless sometimes. When
my therapist ask me how something makes me feel,
I have no answers. Nada!

I have not yet told my family about the rapes, violence, any of it. I don't want them to know, but lately I wonder if it might help 'set me free' sorta.

I am a hider. I don't let people in. I don't like to be touched. Just everybody leave me alone! Is that a good way to live? I don't want to ever be with another man! But, I crave wanting someone to love me not abuse me. Don't I deserve that?

I woke up today(yesterday I guess it is) with a call from my husband. He is coming to my daughters baptism. Great! Be there for your daughter for a change. But, all day I have been on edge. I've been kinda panicking. I dont wanna see him. I'm sure he'll be as nice as he can in front of everyone. I don't wanna see him!!! How do I do it? How do I pretend being around him is ok for me?

I haven't told him yet that they want my daughter to stay back a grade. I'm scared to because he's gonna go nuts. It'll be my fault. My kids being on the autism spectrum... My fault. My son having wheezing problems when he was smaller..my fault cause he came out a couple weeks early. Ahhhh!

The only part of the abuse I'm still confused on is the obessive a sucky groping my h did. I hated it. How many times can you tell a person stop. When someone supposedly loves you, and at a whim sticks their hands down your pants. Only to have you try and pull their hand out but instead they hold you tighter until you give in, how do you think that makes them feel. I hate being held down or hugged so tight I can't move. If I'm squirming and panicking wouldn't you (as a lover) understand and stop. Am I (as a wife) not allowed to tell you no, I don't like that. Is it right that every time you come near me I go the other way because every time you come near me you pull my bra up or go down my pants. If that is what a relationship is, then maybe I am not made to have one.

Should I tell my mom and sisters??? Have y'all?? I wanna be normal and healthy and strong. Maybe I'm having a pitty day. Sorry guys. I'm just so freaked about seeking my h. I'm tired of pretending everything is ok.

I know I'm all over the place here...sorry, had to vent.
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 08-21-2011 - 9:04am

Dizzi, I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to see a man who either sexually assaults or rapes you every chance he gets.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Sun, 08-21-2011 - 7:24pm
My youngest has pdd-nos and he cries when I say daddy wants to see him. He told me he wants a new daddy, his daddy is so mean. My oldest had aspergers and she doesn't say much about h. every once in a while she asks when she is gonna see him. My middle daughter has anger issues. We are working on them. They are all in different types of therapies, which h hates. Therapy is for wimps, it's all in you'd head is what he says.
It scares me to think of him hurting them!! His way of parenting is to look like the best daddy ever in front of others. But, at home, if he even pays attention to them it's to yell or threaten with a belt. I really tried to keep them close to me.

Believe me... I kick myself for not leaving earlier. I don't know how you all feel about belt spankings. I used to get them a lot and hate them. H used belt maybe 4 times on them. At the time, I would cry but he wouldn't listen. He took them from me and did it, and said it was small, just one small spank. Looking back I should have stood in front of them or fought harder for my beliefs. Let him get mad at me instead. I think there is a better way.

As for the groping, it is one thing I can't wrap my head around. He said 'good wives let their husbands do it' 'just let me do it'. He wouldn't let go until I said yes. Then it was like a chuckle 'haha! Got ya!'
Sex abuse...sex abuse...it's my kids daddy! Can't make sense! I am always connected to this man.

I just got back from baptism. He didnt say one thing to me. It took 10 min for him to realize my oldest was there. Poor thing was scared to walk through crowd to go to him. She just wanted to say hi. He did his whole 'I'm the best daddy ever routine. Makes me feel like I'm an idiot, I'm making every thing up. He shook everybody's hand and introduced himself. Cover! Makes me wanna throw up! I hate it!

I have been reading that book actually, only half way through. I read it while my kids are in their therapies. It is right on. I read stuff and go 'that's him!'
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 12:16am

Stop driving yourself crazy about WHY he did anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2007
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 8:35pm
Thank you both for listening and some advice. I really appreciate it. I really needed it, I've calmed down today.