Feel guilty - give him one last chance?
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Feel guilty - give him one last chance?
| Wed, 08-16-2006 - 2:41pm |
It's me again. I finally got up the nerve and told my husband that I wanted a divorce. Now he is on a campaign for me to give him one, last chance to prove that he can change. There's a part of me that wants to believe he can, and that I'll be able to forgive him for past hurts, and that he'll become the man I've always wanted him to be and we'll live happily ever after. But I know the odds are not good, and it's not very realistic. Also, this is probably a desperate ploy to lure me back into an abusive situation just when I'm finding strength and clarity. But now I feel incredibly guilty about not giving him another chance. Is there anything I can do to combat the guilt?

You will know when to leave.. you will just feel it and say I've had enough!
You can give him one more chance, but you need to realize that most likely things will not change. Abusers can change, but it takes months, years to change... not days. (I've read on previous posts that about 1 in 10,000 abusers change... is that right?)
Try not to feel guilty... this is the time that you can be very selfish. Try to only think about yourself, and do what YOU want to do not want your husband wants you to do. I'm sure he will cry and cry and say all the things that you want to hear.. but eventually he will go back to the normal abusive him. He will beg you and say how sorry he is.. but if he has always done that in the past... try and think of what happened after he said he's sorry and it won't happen again. Because it will happen again, and he really must not be sorry if he always abused you again and again...
If you do give him one more chance.. it will probably be great for awhile, then slowly go back to the way it was before. I am only saying this because this is what I went thru. I did give my X chance after chance to make it better and change and it never did change. it just got worse and worse. I did belief him when he said he would change, and how sorry he was, and that he can't live without me, and he will die without me... but it was ALL LIES!! He also used to say that I am running away, and that I always run away from problems, and never fix them... He did this to try and make me feel guilty about leaving.. but it didn't work.. i started to see right thru him. My X is fine.. and he is fine without me.. I just feel bad about the next girl that will come along and be with him.
Good Luck... Lauren
Yep.... Heres a little strategy that I use ....tell him "heck NO ...no more chances ...you ruined the numerous ones you already had ,and now you have to live with it .Stick to it for a few days (if it takes that long ) ....I can almost promise you that you wont have any guilt when he turns (again) to abuse and violence bc you wont give in to him ...
Its a tactic that I deal with every few days ...."im so sorry , promise promis promise ""I realize NOW what I have done and it will never happen again ."Depending on how many chances he has had in the past ,use your best judgement .
They always want one more last chance ,"if I screw up again ,I will leave and never look back ,no fighting ,no harassment "
Then when I say no ,its "300-400 phone cals everyday ,and "you stupid B**CH ,who are you sleeping with bc thats the only reason why you wont take me back , ALL I WANT IS A CHANCE "
Dont fall for it .
We are all here for you if you need some strength ,you can do it !
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
I totally agree w post 3- it's like hearing myself say it. Billion phone calls- u must be w/ someone becuz you won't give me another chance. Wow. These men are so alike.
I'm (I hope) in the last stretch of ending mine. He says about giving him one more chance. After all, NOW he going to counseling. There's really nothing he's says today that he hasn't said before. He also says 'You've changed' and you know what I say? Yes, I have. The problem is you haven't.
My mantra is "I'd rather be sad & miserable alone than sad & miserable with you"
And it is incredibly hard.
Good luck
my ex does that crap to me too " youve changed ," " the woman I married would never treat me this way " LIKE ITS MY FAULT ....
I just tell him that my actions are a direct response to his ,like the old saying " Dont start nothing , wont be nothing " and thats the truth ....he doesnt undersdtand it though ....
"you cant rationalize with the irrational " so dont give yourself a headache trying to .
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
Hi, i am new here and i want you to please hear me.
Honey i was once in your shoes, and please believe me when i tell you,none of this is EVER your fault.My abuse started after our first daughter was born back in 1984.He would get verbally abusive towards me if his dinner was late or he didn't like what i had fixed.I would get called a B***h.Then he would take what i fixed and dump it on the floor and tell me "clean it up b***h and fix something else.When i didn't get his dinner fixed right away,because i had a mess to clean up,then he would pull my hair and slap me.
My ex-MIL gave me a beautiful amber glass table,and because he didn't like me spending time taking care of our daughter,he picked up the table and just dropped it,smashing it all over the place.When i became pregnant,i had an excellent job.I worked for AT&T and brought home over $600 after taxes.Well when he found my money in my wallet,when i went to bed,he took everything and left me with a dollar for the rest of the week.Then after i had our daughter,he went behind my back and called my boss to tell him that i quit,which i did not know
Bon, the guilt is conditioned; remember that.