Feel stupid asking but……Is it possible for this dynamic to ever change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2012
Feel stupid asking but……Is it possible for this dynamic to ever change?
5
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 2:56pm

I know it's such a cliche question but this is what I'm facing. My alcoholic husband became verbally and emotionally abusive over the course of our 9 year marriage. The last 4 months or so we have been in intensive couples therapy, individual therapy, and he has stopped drinking completely and regularly attends AA meetings. He is becoming the husband myself and my children deserved all along. I realize it's early on but he seems to sincerely grasp how wrong his behavior has been.

My problem? I have been put through so much emotional hell the last 5 years (when it became obvious I was a SAHM trapped in an abusive M to an alcoholic) that I'm completely unable to find the "love" that I thought was there. Not only that, I feel like I've wasted so much of my life and potential I'm afraid to waste anymore. I'm 33 and beginning to understand that there is life out there for me. I have no doubt we would be able to successfully co-parent but for the sake of my children I feel like I need to give us a chance. Is a successful marriage possible after all this pain? Do people ever really change this kind of behavior?

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
It is possible that he may change permanently but it is also possible that he will get back to what he was. Only time can tell. If you feel you cannot regain the love and trust, then you need to make a decision. Keep going for therapy for yourself and perhaps you can make the decision in few more months. In the meantime,take the steps to become financially independent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I agree with the other posts but would like to add that when me and my ex were going for therapy and he was trying to change his abusive ways my gut felt a false sense of security.. Nothing worked and ex went back to being his abusive self.. we got a divorce and moved on..

I have heard that there is something in Boston for abusive men (not sure of the name of the facility).. they say they have a success rate.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Just because he changes that does not mean you have to stay with him. He should change for his self and his children. The love you felt for him may have died and may not come back. That is not your fault and nothing you should feel bad over. Yes be could change but that doesn't mean you will fall back in love with him. It may be to late for the two of you and I don't feel you should ever stay for the children. That is unfair to them to put that on thier shoulders.

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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001

Clearblue, I was just checking in to see if you have had an opportunity to do any reading or if you have any questions.

Mama Harmony