Feeling alone
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| Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:42pm |
My husband is an emotional abuser. I just went through a couple months of believing he was going to change. I had some hope. Now I realize it isn't going to happen. My husband hates that I call him 'emotionally abusive' he says I must be getting it from my mom. He doesn't think I have a brain of my own. I feel so incredibly alone right now. I don't really have anyone to go to about how I feel, it just seems like nobody understands. I am not comfortable talking about it to many people but if I do then they either think I need to stop whining and get a divorce (easier said than done when you have kids and are financially dependant), or others think I need to stop whining and just accept him. . .the person who thinks that is the person who taught me to choose men like this in the first place.
I have certain issues which make a divorce situation extremely fearful for me. Other than the fact that I am financially dependant. My husband is not a citizen and I fear international abduction.
I also just don't want to go through that. I don't want to put my kids through that.
I wish giving up was an option but it isn't. I have to keep going, keep waking up every day.
I really didn't sign up for this. To have someone picking at me constantly. Sometimes I just want to smash all the dishes in my house one by one on our nice hardwood floor.
I have to get up everyday and be calm and nice and take care of my two young kids but sometimes I feel so depressed I just feel like I can't take one more 'mommy give me milk'. But I always seem to be able to do it. I am resilient. And I love my kids more than anything in the world. That keeps me doing it. I know I'm depressed I took a quiz online that said I have major depression. My husband refuses to pay for counseling.
I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice.

"My husband hates that I call him 'emotionally abusive' he says I must be getting it from my mom. He doesn't think I have a brain of my own."
Regarding international child abduction:
There are some protections you can seek.
First, any new passport request must be made with both parents and the child present. The only way around that is a notarized letter from one parent giving the other the authority to do it alone. I suppose one can forge such a letter, so the system is not perfect.
Second, you can have your child's passport flagged so that you are notified if there are any requests made for a new one. You may want to go do that now. You do not need any money or a court order to do it, only a signed letter by you requesting it. It can be faxed or mailed to the State Department. You also do not need the other parent's permission to get the flag. It will not prevent him from getting passports, but it will notify you.
Third, if the child already has a passport, you should try to stuff them away somewhere secret. It sounds nasty, but hey, if there are any trips outside of the country, I think the other parent should be speaking to you about it anyway rather than sneeking the passports out with the children.
Fourth, you should follow the advice given in the previous posts. From a shelter, it might be possible to find free legal representation. If you do go to a shelter, you will want to act fast on initiating all the legal matters. You want to try to get court support as soon as possible. This is absolutely necessary to give the other parent less amunition to try and accuse you of falsely kidnapping. An RO might also be considered. A lawyer can give you more accurate help, but you will probably want to be candid with the court about where you are (shelter or elsewhere), what your intentions with the children are, why you left, and your fears of international abduction. Stress to them the seriousness and how some sort of protection is necessary to allow safe visitations. The court then might be able to award you immediate temporary sole custody so that you can take additional safety measures.
With a paper from the court showing sole custody, you can then flag the child's passport so that you are notified of any attempt to take them accross the border (different from the point above where you can only flag for REQUESTS of new passports). You need a court order for this of course. If the child doesn't already have a passport, the other parent will never be allowed to get one. Only you will be able to.
Finally, if a child IS abducted, whether it be within a joint custody or sole custody (to you) agreement, then you CAN take action. It is illegal to abduct a child without permission of the other parent even when you have joint custody. Many countries now follow the Hague Convention on child abduction. That means they have agreed to reciprocal assistance to the child's home country for helping return the child. The authorities in the other country will try to track down the other parent and the child. However, one wants to avoid this situation using all of the measures above first. It would be extremely stressful to deal with a foreign country to return the child.
Some websites that you might want to browse for information are listed below. First is the State Department passport services. These are the people you will want to call to get the first measure of protection for flagging new passport requests. There are lots of redirects and message machines, but with patients you will reach them.
http://travel.state.gov/passport/ppi/family/family_866.html
This link takes you to the int abduction page: http://travel.state.gov/family/abduction/abduction_580.html
This is a site on the Hague Convention: http://hcch.e-vision.nl/index_en.php?act=text.display&tid=21
"I really didn't sign up for this."
Yes, you did. You married a man who's not a citizen and had children with him. Now he's become abusive. Now you feel trapped. But see, you're not trapped.
People do understand but you have to take the steps to help yourself first. If you don't care, no one else will.
You are only limited by your own fears. You are paralyzing yourself, no one is doing that for you.
Your husband doesn't care about you. Accept that and take the reigns and take care of yourself and your children. Be the woman you should be proud of.
You are strong and resilient, right? Ok, then devise a plan and make it happen. You know there are shelters, you know there are avenues you can escape to.
You know what you need to do so do it.
Your depression will lift when you take care of yourself and your children.