feeling angry and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
feeling angry and confused
4
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:54pm

Hi everyone. I've never posted on this board before but I have posted on several other boards here on ivillage.

I ended a relationship about five months ago. I ended it because I had started having doubts as to the integrity and values of the person I was with, and the more I voiced these doubts (so we could discuss whether there was basis in fact for my feelings), the more rageful he became. He ended up being very verbally abusive several times, the final time threatening suicide. I was with him for only a total of about 9-10 months, and he was very supportive and kind and affectionate for about the first 4-5 months.

I'm writing because I'd thought I was healing from this relationship and was letting go of it, moving on, but in the past couple of weeks I find myself enraged that I was treated this way. I have disturbing dreams about him (in which I am still in the relationship), and I find myself feeling edgy and vulnerable. I feel like I really hate him. I would like to pursue a new relationship, but I'm afraid I will be "looking for the signs" that the next person would be abusive.

I have high self-esteem and have been seeing a therapist for a long time. My ex's rages came out of the blue; my therapist saw no indications that he would erupt this way, either. But this relationship has done a number on me. I'm a very sensitive person by nature, and the thought of him yelling at me and banging his head against the wall is just so disturbing. I feel as though I'm experiencing a sort of post-traumatic stress syndrome. It particularly disturbs me that my ex came off in the beginning as an easygoing, friendly, kind person. And that turned out to be far from the truth. It makes me feel like everyone has some dark underside to them that I need to be on the lookout for.

Does anyone have any advice for me, or can you share your experience if you've been through something similar? I'd really appreciate it. I think I'm looking for validation. Thank you!

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 3:32pm

At least you had the guts to get out while you could, and didn't remain a victim.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:58pm

Yes, you're right, on some level I feel I "allowed" myself to be abused. But as you said, I didn't see it coming until I was right in the middle of it.

I do see a great therapist and will discuss this with her during our next session. Thanks for your response!

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:24pm

Your description made me think of PTS immediately. I have had similar reactions. Keep talking to the counselor, keep filling each day with activity and treat yourself well. The dreams will pass, as will the anger. I agree that you will want to get past the bulk of this rage and fear before you return to dating.

You have had a close call, but you will be fine now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 11:48am

Thanks for that insight, rosemile. It made me feel better. :)

toriphile